I’m a SAHM (well I’ve had a couple of kids close together so haven’t gone back to work as yet but my job is still there and waiting) Before I had kids I was so career focused and determined but now it’s all about nappies and waiting on my husband to come home - he’s very hands on once he walks through the door. Our kids are still little so I get they take up my every thought but where do I fit in? Where do all of the mums fit into the picture? I love these kids with all of my heart but what happens when they don’t need me anymore and all of those years have passed me by and all I’ve become is Little Johnny’s Mum! I’ve taken years out of my career to care for my little loves (by choice as I could easily put them in care and return to work) and watched everyone advance around me. It’s a catch 22. I don’t wanna miss my babies being babies and don’t want to miss opportunities either. Please, wise mums who have tread this path before me, tell me how to get my head around it.
9 Replies
I have no advice career wise but I can say, just do something for yourself. Find a hobby, preferably with a social group if you find yourself needing more adult contact too. Once a month, once a fortnight, however often you are comfortable doing it.
I have only just begun doing stuff for myself after two little ones and I actually feel like my own person sometimes. It is great.
Being a parent is a marathon. It's not a sprint where the finish line is when they aren't babies.
It's not all or nothing. It's about quality over quantity and it's up to each family to find the balance that suits them.
Doing some things for you in this time will not lower your parenting experience. I found it made me more able to enjoy my child because I took time out to nurture myself. I also felt it was really important to acknowledge that I'm raising children to be future Tweens, teens and adults and future parents. They need to see me take time to nurture myself so that they a)learn it's important to take time to yourself b) learn that mum has other interests too.
They also need time to build confidence without me being ever present and gain confidence in the world and know that other people can care and nurture them too. Kids gain confidence from learning that.
Its not really that long. Maybe five years? This is one of those things where you make a choice and it is what it is, and dont regret the disadvantages because youve chosen the benefits.
And when I say that I mean in terms of lost income, super,'getting ahead' etc.
As said above, self care and self development will really helpyou get through that time, dont just be all about the kids ,balance is really important.
For me it was one or the other. I chose full time motherhood. I have only 1 child and have not worked at all since he was born in 2003. I was 34. I wasn’t career orientated as I left school at 16 and went straight into the workforce. I had no tertiary education. Fast forward to now. I am nearly 50 and do not regret being a sahm for all those years. I look at my life in stages. And being a full time mum was something I really wanted to do so I did it. My son is now 15 and I have just started at uni. I have finally found what I am passionate about and hope to graduate the year my son finishes high school. And then we move into the next stage - me working in my dream job and hubby & I supporting our son through his uni adventure. Our children grow so quickly and although being a sahm isn’t for everyone or possible for everyone, we made it work. I don’t believe there can truely be a work/life balance when raising children.
You don't believe there can be a balance? What about mums who work from home, or during school hours? I get 20 sick days per year and purchase extra annual leave so I get 9 weeks a year. We take 6 or more holidays a year because we can afford it which we wouldn't be able to without my 90k per year and I finish work early enough every day to pick my son up from school at 3pm. I'm happier having my career during the day. Staying at home cooking and cleaning makes me feel like I've lost myself. I absolutely disagree that you can't get work /life balance. Honestly it really bothers me when stay at home mum's make judgement like that. Why not just accept that what works for one family might not be the perfect recipe for happiness for another. To the poster, if you do return to work I recommend negotiating hours so you can pick your kids up from school and have regular contact with the teacher if possible and getting a cleaner on a Friday so that weekends are about fun. And if you choose to stay at home then don't feel guilty. Look at the positives of you returning to work and decide whether, for you, that outweighs the positives of staying home.
And what happens when you no longer have a financial plan (husband) to support you?
I see it as...
I am their mum now. And I am always going to be their mum but they won’t always need me this much, so while they do need me, I’m going to be there 100%. I’ll give them everything I’ve got, even if it means losing some parts of me in the process. I’ll spend years giving to them until they don’t need me so much.
But you know what, once they do grow up and start to leave home, I want to travel. I want to see Australia. I want to buy a little caravan and travel, with the peace and quiet, the privilege to decide where I wanna be, when I want to. I’ve got plans and ideas for my future, when I do get more time for me.
But for now, I’m happy doing it all for them because I know it’s not forever.
Don’t get me wrong, I am all about taking some time out for yourself and keeping your mental health in check during this time. But also reminding yourself that it all passes and nothing lasts forever.
Get out of the house! Either by volunteering, doing a short course or doing a bit of paid work. I think it’s super important not to lose your sense of self. If mum’s not happy, no-one is happy. Looking after you IS looking after your family
Omg the fathers don’t have to deal with this shit! Why is it all on the mother??? Then come divorce and we’re all in the bloody poor house.
Have the father do more parenting and stay with your career