So I drove 5 hours with my son to visit my grandmother who was ill, my grandmother end up passing away the next day and her funeral is not for another week. We were not expecting her to pass away so I didn’t expect to have to stay or come back for a funeral.
My husband has told me it is up to me when I come home but he doesn’t see the point in me staying in the same town for a week with my family to wait around for the funeral. I’m not forcing him to come to the funeral as him and my family don’t get along so much. I don’t get along that well with some of my family either and I had not been that close to my grandmother over the last few years (which I now regret) but they are still my family.
I don’t feel up to the 5 hour drive home and then the 5 hour drive back in a few days (with a 6 month old) I have told him I’m not up for the drive but he says that’s fine but I know it’s not.
I was funny was with his family for a while. Even though he says he is not stopping me from seeing my family he I feel like he is trying to.
It would save us like $160 on fuel and he is being anal about money at the moment.
I don’t want to go home yet but I feel like he is leaving me no choice (even though he says it’s my choice)
I just feel like I’m going to resent him a bit if I go home but if I stay here he will be angry at me.
Am I just being too sensitive or is he being an ass?
Am I just being too sensitive or is he being an ass?
Am I just being too sensitive or is he being an ass?
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Loss & Grief
17 Replies
Being away he may not realise the way what he said came across to you rightnow.
I get what hes saying and in other times I dont think you would mind. As long as hes being understanding and supporting whatever you decide thats the main thing.
I’ve told him my decision but he does not seem to support it.
Take his word. If he said it’s fine, then believe him. And if he happens to turn around later and be angry at you for that, remind him what he said and remind him that you trust what he says and he shouldn’t say things if he doesn’t mean them...
He is already angry. It’s one of those “I’m fine” things that women do when they are so not fine!
Death is hard enough to deal with without the person who's meant to be on your side making you feel guilty for wanting to be with your family at such a difficult time.
If I were in your shoes, I would just not allow him to add to my current stress and just do what you need to do.
If he wants to be mad let him be mad, he'll get over it and he'll certainly survive a few days without you.
To be honest, the way you've described this and his behavior, he sounds a bit manipulative.
You should stay. He said it was fine. Regardless of whether he wants you home or not, next time you speak with him, thank him for understanding that you need to be there and supporting you. Maybe throw in there that driving with your baby while you're grieving would be dangerous too so being able to say goodbye is best for everyone and that you love him for understanding that even though you know that he is going to be frustrated his wife and baby are away
I think you're being too sensitive. He said it was fine. He said it was up to you. You're an adult, you don't need to ask for permission to do things like this, stop feeling guilty :)
If this is true though, it's understandable to be sensitive when grieving
And I think it's more that he's saying one thing (that it's OK) but he really means another (that he's not actually OK with it).
If that's what he's doing he's controlling the OP by using guilt and manipulation.
You are allowing him to let you feel guilty . I understand why you are ... maybe we should be at home , but guess what , his arms ain’t painted on ... he can look after himself and if he continues to try to manipulate your emotions and actions , it’s not healthy .., and if you don’t put a stop to it he always will ... you are entitled to spend this time with your family .
Let him be angry then. You're saving $160 on fuel, even if he wasn't being "anal" about money that's not exactly pocket change. As well as saving yourself 3 5 hour long car trips.
If he doesn't tell you why he wants you back home or tell you why he's upset, and even though you can tell he's upset then just take his word that he's fine. Maybe that'll teach him to communicate better instead of playing passive aggressive games.
I agree, if he truly is saying one thing and meaning another (not saying IM is lying but it’s a hard time for her right now, she could be reading too much into it) then it’s very passive aggressive and is a form of emotional abuse! Stop feeling guilty (easer said than done, trust me I know) and nip this behaviour in the bud now!
I am hoping that you stayed and spent time grieving with your family. I am really hoping the he sucked up his ill feelings towards your family and attended your grandmother's funeral to support you.
I would not care if my partner hated all my family if I was attending a funeral for one of them I would expect him to be there for me when I need the support. It is one day so I am hoping he was there for you
Who cares if he's angry at you. That's his problem. You shouldn't fear someone's anger, he's just using anger to control you. Set some firm boundaries for yourself.
Let me put it this way - Xmas Day a very dear, elderly family friend passed away. My husband took leave and drove with me, our 3 year old & our 3 month old 15 hours EACH WAY so I could say good bye and be with my best friend during her grieving. We stayed with my parents for a week.
Previously, my eldest and I spent a week interstate visiting my grandmother with my parents while he stayed home and worked. 12 hour shifts. With only the dog for company.
Yes, if he’s pulling the guilts on you, he is being an arse.
You probably are being a touch sensative but that is completely understandable as you just lost your grandmother.
Your husband is giving you the option to stay but he probably would rather you come home because he would miss you and your baby or hes just being a sook. Either way he will be right a few days without you. He can sook all he likes. He will get over it. You be where you need to be.
If i had a dollar for everytime i was told i was to sensitive by my ex, well let me put it this way i would have a lot of dollars....... I also know the telling you its fine but it really not being or being made to feel like it isn't or you have to justify.... In the end do what you want and don't let him make you feel bad for it. You will regret it if you don't and it wont make a difference in the end as if it's always like this you will resent doing what makes him happy . Its kind of a form of gas-lighting. Stay. You are not being unreasonable. Your grandma's death was unexpected. You have travelled a long way with a 6 month old by yourself which isnt fun at the best of times . Even if you don't get along with your whole family at the best of times it where tou should be and where you need to be . Its unnecesarilt for you to go and come back when its quite a journey. He said he was fine and i know it was passice agressice fine not fine. You don't have to ask his permission. When you talk to him again. Say i have made my decision i'm staying here. I sense that you dont truly support my decision but it is not up to you. I will not made to be feel guilty in this already shitty time. Its been a hard enough journey with a 6 month old the first time by myself so i dont wish to repeat it. Im staying to grieve with my family and to pay my respects to my grandma cause i don't want to regret not doing this. I would like if you would come to the funeral to supprt me but choose to respect your decision die to past family dinamics if you don't . Please give me the same courtesy. Even if he doesn't . Do what you want and need to do mumma . Sending my condolances xx