I have recently found out I'm pregnant with what would be baby #3. I have 2 amazing boys the youngest isn't quite 18 months yet and is quite a handful! We struggled for years to fall pregnant with him and had some losses along the way so he was a little miracle.
This pregnancy however was not planned and despite being careful it's happened. We're still stunned. I am feeling so torn and so confused. After such a hard time to get baby #2 I never thought we'd be faced with the prospect of a third.
We struggle financially at the moment. We basically live from week to week. We both work very hard and I have mother's guilt to the max that I don't get to spend as much time with my boys as I want. The thought of another baby taking even more time away from my boys is scary.
I have considered adoption but I know deep in my heart I could never give a baby away.
I've contemplated termination and it makes me cry. I don't think I can have another baby....but how can I terminate a pregnancy when we lost babies and the pain of those losses nearly killed me. Nevermind the costs associated with a termination.
I don't know what to do or how to even make the right decision for my family.
My husband is so shocked and will support whatever decision I make but is useless in helping me make this decision and it shouldn't be mine alone to make.
I don't know if anyone can even help me but I'm so torn on the inside I just needed to get it all out.
How do you decide what's best for your family and live with the decision either way?
Please be kind with your words. I am still shocked myself and fragile and barely holding on.
6 Replies
I want to say congratulations on your pregnancy but I also don't want to speak those words yet as you haven't decided what you want to do.
For me, I would continue the pregnancy. Money isn't everything and I imagine you have a lot of stuff already with the other two. It sounds like you have a lot of love within your family and you'll be welcoming a baby to a loving household with 2 siblings to grow up with. Sometimes love is enough :)
I think having the baby, you will never regret and you once you lay eyes on him/her you will wonder what you were even thinking. However, knowing what you've been through, I feel like you'll regret the decision to terminate and wonder the ifs and whens. What if in a few years you come into some money or you're in a better place? You'll look back and think "if I had have had that baby".
I've been in your predicament.
I had an 18 month gap between my first and second kids, I was wholeheartedly done! Of course I found out I was pregnant with my 3rd when baby #2 was around 7 months old. I didn't want to be pregnant, I didn't want another baby but I also couldn't bring myself to even consider termination or adoption, so baby was coming whether we liked it or not.
7 years on and this kid is the light of our lives, such a character. I know our lives would have been easier if we'd decided on other options, I've faced some tough times financially, emotionally and physically - times that have made me question if i made the right choice.
You'll get the people who'll say "Oh you never regret a child you do have" and it's simply not true, I have regretted my choice occasionally and others times I've thought "I wouldn't trade this for the world"
I am at peace with my decision though.
I don't know if this is helpful to you or not but I do know how conflicting this can feel. All the best with your choice xx
Having come from a very poor family where I did not even have a proper school shirt (which I got bullied sooooooo much for) or have a proper lunch, do any extra curricular activities or anything like that (I needed braces when I was younger but my parents couldn't afford them as well and there were also a few medical issues I had that couldn't get fixed due to my parents having no money), I think if you really, really can't afford another then it's best not to have another. Love can't feed, pay for medication, pay for school stuff, daycare etc etc.
I know people say "You don't regret the kids you have, only the ones you don't" But that is a load of crap! Heaps of people regret their kids. It doesn't mean they don't love their kids though.
I think this is something only you and your husband can decide. You need to weigh up all the pros and cons. Whatever decision you make there is support available. Good luck and sorry you are going through this.
I am currently 33 weeks with baby number 4 and have lost 2 before this one, my partner does not want this baby from the moment I told him we had our ups n downs over it but I just couldn't bring myself to terminating something that has happened for a reason up until 3 weeks ago I thought he had come around to the idea of #4 arriving soon, nope I was wrong I am now on my own with 3 others and one arriving soon, I guess u need to do what's right for yourself I hope it all works out for you and your family...
I don't think anyone but yourself can make this decision for your family. I see a lot of you never regret the kids you have... Hmm I call BS.
You said yourself you have a challenging 18mo. You struggle financially. You already have mothers guilt!
Ok so with all that ask yourself will you be able to handle another child if they also are the same as your 18mo? Will the extra financial put strain on your relationship & what you can offer your current kids? Do you have to upgrade anything to fit an extra kid? Does your current kids go to daycare, will you be able to afford another in daycare or will you have to give up work completely putting more strain on the household. If you can't afford a termination can you afford a child?
I get it I really do, my kids are only 13mo apart. I couldn't even face the prospect of having another one after my last that my hubby went in for the snip. If I had of found out I was pregnant now I know deep down I wouldn't be able to handle another child, especially as my second is a huge challenge. I would selfishly chose to terminate so I could concentrate on my family as they are. I'm not saying it wouldn't be hard but I'd know if I brought another child into our family my other kids would suffer especially my youngest who struggles in daily life already. I also know mentally I couldn't handle another child let alone one if they were like my youngest. I want to be able to provide a good life for my boys & them be able to do the extra things I couldn't or go on a holiday. But we couldn't do that if we had another child. I personally would chose my current kids over one that I haven't meet yet. But that's me. I wanted you to know it's ok to chose yourself, your family & it's ok to terminate if you decide that's best as Im sure you'll be getting a lot of keep the baby! that having the unplanned baby isn't always the answer but you have to decide for yourself.
P.S. My youngest was an unplanned baby I love him but most days I don't particularly like him & I know our life would be so much easier if we didn't have him. I know it's a horrible thing to say but every single day he makes life a struggle & our household miserable ðŸ˜
Good luck I'm sure you will make the right decision to suit your family x
Have u thought about adoption my now ex and I struggled to fall pregnant we tried for 2and a half years and nothing it drove us to the point that we split up and all we wanted was a baby but do what you think is right for u and your family