Hubby and I agreed before we were married that we were going to have 3 children. We currently have 2 kids - both under 2. I feel like I handle parenting them fairly easily, obviously some days are harder than others but I think 98% of the time I do reasonably well. Both children’s needs are meet and beyond that. He has a good income and steady job and we own our house. I don’t see any reason why we couldn’t have a third but now the topic has come up, hubby is dead against it. He says if I want another baby I better start searching for another person to give it to me because he won’t be. Now I realise it’s probably too early for the subject to come up, our youngest is only 5 months old but I wasn’t asking him to start trying or anything like that. I simply told him that I do want a third, two or three years down the track.
I feel as though he has trapped me now. He refuses to have another baby even though we agreed to it years ago. I would have never married him or had the children we have if I knew we weren’t going to have three. I know I should be thankful for the two we have but I just don’t feel done and I don’t want to resent him later on in life.
To make matters worse, I have recently miscarried twins and he acts like nothing ever happened. He says they were never babies, he never wanted them so it doesn’t bother him. How can someone not care that they lost children?
I’m not sure what I’m asking but please help? What do I do from here?
13 Replies
The way I see this is, while you had your ideal life mapped out in terms number of kids you wanted - situations and circumstances change in many ways. I wanted more than the one I have but my mind shifted and my age being the main factor. I’m in now way old but know how much energy goes into the little ones. Maybe have a chat about what his specific concerns are. If he is good financially etc there has to be a reason why he is so closed off on the issue. Good luck.
There is no way to know how many children you want prior to having children. It’s not a bait and switch thing. It’s a I want kids, three sounds like a good number, but you never really know until you get there.
There is a lot more to having kids than paying the bills and how you cope raising them. Each child and each pregnancy changes the dynamic of your relationship with your husband. The time you have for each other often decreases, intimacy often decreases, and sometimes our personality moves away from who you were pre kids. Not everyone enjoys those changes. Sometimes when we get wrapped up in parenting we don’t notice those changes. It’s impossible for anyone to know hw that effects them until they have a child. The long and the short of it is, he is entitled to change his mind.
If you choose to resent him, that’s a decision you make. Just like he could choose to resent you for pressuring him into a child he doesn’t want.
The way I see it, a no, over rules a yes in these situations. Raising a child you didn’t want is difficult and despite that saying ‘you never regret the children you have’, people regret the children they have and it’s not something you can take back.
At one point in my life I would have loved more children. Yes, I was sad, but we don’t always get what we want for many many reasons, so I got through it. A few years back there was a surprise pregnancy. It ended in miscarriage. I was relieved. It was terrible timing and I really felt done with babies and small children. It doesn’t make me a horrible person.
I think I’m this case you could both find some empathy for each other and acknowledging how each other feels doesn’t discount how you each feel.
He's telling you that he can't cope with 3. There is no way he could know that prior to being a dad. Sometimes plans change when we evaluate our actual tolerances and capabilities. Saying you wouldn't have married him if he only wanted 2 children is incredibly harsh. It implies you married him not for him, but for his sperm. Re losing your twins I'm very sorry you experienced that but don't judge him too harshly. Many parents don't emotionally connect with their children until after they're born. My husband is an amazing father but he would have been the same. Approach this again in the future if you think he's likely to change in mind, but realise that you can't force him to want another child. You can focus on the family you have though.
I’ve just been down the hospital with my son for yet more bad news, so tact isn’t my strong suit right now.....but seriously.....get over it, enjoy your five month old baby, cherish the moments, you can talk about another one down the track, just concentrate on the new one you just popped out. Anyway can decide how many babies they are going to have, pre actually having them (including myself), but life and shit happens and life doesn’t always go to plan. You wouldn’t have married him, seriously? You obviously got married for all the wrong reasons then, you sound like a spoilt brat.
3 hypothetical children are much different to 3 actual children, so I think it's really unfair that you're holding this 'agreement' over his head, people are entitled to change their minds. Before I had kids I wanted a huge family, like 5 or 6 kids at least but now I actually have children and have experienced how bloody hard it can be I'm done at 3 and I would resent my husband if he tried to make me feel bad because it's not what we agreed on before they came along!
You might be coping OK with parenting but it sounds like he's just treading water here and the thought of a 3rd child scared him. As a mother of 3 I can tell you, having 3 kids isn't easy.
You need to listen to what he's telling you, I believe if you really push this it may cost you your marriage.
He may come around at some point (he may not) but for now I think you need to just enjoy and be grateful for the ones you have.
Yep I have 3 and if I could do it again I would have stopped at 2. 3 is definitely not easy.
Just wait it out. If he is a good husband and a good Dad, don’t throw him away or resent him because of this. I had two under two as well and always thought I’d have 4 children. After the second, it literally took me over a year to be able to grasp the concept of a third child purely because I was just so wrapped up in the two I had. Now we are planning the third.
Maybe it’s just a really hard concept to grasp for him. I think pushing and pressuring him now will only do more damage. Just wait and see, once things settle down into a groove, he will probably come around the the third he said he wanted.
Or not. Some people are done when they're done. I agree with the post above. Someone saying no trumps someone wanting more.
It's also quite possible that he's grieving for the loss of the twins in his own way, men often believe they have to be stoic. Saying they were never babies or that he didn't want them and his indifference may be a coping strategy. Maybe he doesn't want more children because he doesn't want to go through the pain of miscarriage again or maybe he just genuinely doesn't want more children.
I think the key here is time.
U really need to slow right down! U have a 5 month old.....not too many people want to try for more when u have one that young! Enjoy the ones u have and give hubby a break....he may come around in a year or 2!
Lady, you need to chill. I'm sorry for the loss of your twins, I'm hoping you find some peace with it soon. Perhaps hubby was less than tactful about it, but I'm sure he was probably relieved if he's so dead set against it. Perhaps he feels guilty for wishing it away?
Things change. Nothing is ever set in stone. I saw myself always with 2 or 3 kids, then I had my daughter and went through horrific mental health decline with post-natal anxiety and OCD which I'm still fighting 7 years later. We decided that for the good of the family and for my health it would be best to stop at one. Am I sad that my daughter will never have a sibling? You bet. Do I feel guilty? Sometimes. Am I relieved that we made that decision? Hell yes!
What if the situation was reversed? What if you could not or would not have more kids? What if hubby threatened to divorce you because you "promised" him 3 kids? It would be totally unfair, right?
My advice, enjoy your little one. Get counselling, both individually and as a couple. Move through this together. Maybe he'll be open to it later. Maybe he won't. It is not, IMO, something to end your marriage over.
I think you should leave the subject alone for at least a year then bring it up again, he may be just a bit blinded by the baby stage atm, it's not fun for everyone.
As for his attitude towards your miscarriage he could be a bit more considerate towards your feelings but this really is how some people view it. I have had 2 miscarriages before 6 weeks and I felt nothing and probably said similar things to your husband, but I have also had a later miscarriage at 13 weeks and was devastated. Everybody is different in how they handle and view a loss.
Honey you need to Slllioooow down ! It sounds like you guys are busy with littlies AND just had a miscarriage of twins that would be daunting for anyone ! I think
Your grieving your miscarriage and want reassurance that that wasn’t your last pregnancy and he’s grieving and stressed and over whelmed and thinking about another baby right now is the last thing he needs to do . Enjoy the baby stage of your children!! Enjoy your family as you are and approach the subject again ina year or two. Parenting is a huge adjustment and you’ve got two so close together already ! I’ve got three and had 3 under 5 and honey trust me
The baby stage is the easy bit ! You haven’t hit toddlerdom yet or terrible 2s , f’d up 3s and fearsome
Fours are for real ! Husbands need love and attention
Your babies need love and attention YOU need your love and attention ! Slow down enjoy the ride your already in and if after a while
You still feel
You want to have another approach it once hubby has adjusted once your babies have grown a little..
UNLESS your an older
Mum and your biological clock is ticking (in which case maybe you still
Need to step back and sort out what’s really happening for you emotionally ..?) there’s still
Time xx