I recently broke up with my husband. I wasn't happy for the longest time. Talked to him, didn't play the blame game etc. Anyway, we had some talks after that and I was upfront and said we wouldn't be getting back together. He is also a big drinker so he does know that that played a big part. Anyway, the night before good Friday, he decided to cut his wrist. He phoned me immediately and told me where he was and what he had done so I called emergency services and we went up. He had done a bit of damage to the nerves in his wrist but was ok otherwise. Spent time in hospital and is now seeing a psychiatrist. So onto the question. We have a 14 year old ASD boy who doesn't know about any of this. The Psych has told my ex that he should tell my son everything. I don't agree. Think it will make ex feel better but won't do a thing for my son except have him worry about his dad. He already suffers from anxiety so this will tear him up. I'm not sure what to do. Any advice?
6 Replies
I don't think keeping mental illness a secret from kids is a good idea, it sort of adds to that stigma that is something that should be kept hush hush "we don't talk about or acknowledge that", that can be more confusing and cause more worry than actually knowing what's going on!
However, going into specific details of his self harm isn't necessary and it could be frightening. It needs to be kept simple, ie. "Dad's unwell in his mind at the moment, sometimes it might make him act funny or do things we don't understand. He will be OK, he's getting help from his doctors etc".
If your son was a Neuro-typical 14 year old I might agree with your husbands psychiayrist. But he isn’t.
If your son has a psychologist or counsellor of his own I’d discusss this with them before doing anything.
I have ASD and as a teen I would have known that something was going on but not what it was, making me more anxious. My son who is on the spectrum needs a different approach.
I don't think there is ever a right or wrong, it depends on the child the details their relationship etc etc and in this case i agree with you i don't see the benefit for your child so I wonder if hes told his psych, or has even considered himself, the details about your childs anxiety and ability to cope.
Personally, I wouldn't have wanted to know at that age that my father was struggling that much. I think sometimes innocence is something that needs to be cherished and maybe when he is older you can discuss it, but let him think of his dad how he always has.
If he was typical, I’d say yes. Huge on believing that kids (especially by the teenage years) shouldn’t be sheltered from things like this in life because we need to prepare them for the future and sometimes these things are inevitable.
BUT, you know your son best. And if it really doesn’t sit well with you, then you’re probably right. I think you could brush over some things like “dad is struggling a bit mental health wise” ect without going into the details that are going to concern him too much.
Your son needs his own psychologist who knows him and who you trust. That’s who I would take my lead from, not your ex’s psychiatrist.
I hope you’re seeing someone too, that’s a lot for you to carry.
I have teens on the spectrum, trust your gut, I do and it’s never steered me wrong