Ok so not sure how to feel. Please no negativity. I love my partner dearly. We’ve been together nearly 3 years. I have 3 children to ex partner and he has 1 child himself. We are expecting our first child together which is amazing. But sometimes I’m not so sure. Just recently I explain that I can be a big bitch in labor and you’ll just have to bypass how angry I get. I don’t say hurtful things I just swear a lot etc. like “f*^% someone push on my back hurry the bleep up please sort of thing. never a hurtful word towards anyone like attacking them. And he turns around and says “if I start that s*%# his just going to walk out and not come back until it’s done.” Now I don’t know if this is his way of coping with being scared himself but there are other times his said if I get to much his going to tell me “shut up and push, you shouldn’t have spread your legs then and you wouldn’t be here” and times where his just purely joking that he’ll take over and pull it out of me. I honestly don’t know how to feel. I have spoken to him multiple times about the things he says and he just gets angry about it and says I’m being silly. I feel like I’m dreading this labor. My ex was only there for one birth of our three children. And even then he wasn’t there to see his first born be born as he was outside. I’m frightened this is going to happen again. I think I just need positivity and reassurance here. I have mixed emotions and honestly I’m bloody scared shitless. Sorry for the vent but not sure where else to write this sad yet emotional post
11 Replies
You need positive reassurance that he'll be there but you also need to think about and work on other ways to get through your labour without abusing him. Ie you should be saying things like fuck this hurts not fuck off etc
No one has the right to abuse another person. And other people don't have to sit there and take your abuse either walking out actually sounds like a proper way of him dealing with you abusing him instead of him annoying you more.
If you're scared about him not being there then you both need to work out a way that he will be there and won't feel the need to walk out until it's all done.
Yes I have been through labour, yes I've given birth naturally yes I know how much it hurts. Yes I believe my advice is helpful and yes I do believe you've got the ability to find other ways to get through labour without abusing your partner and the midwives helping you through your labour. Strong women, can do amazing things.
Also have a friend who can be his backup! In case you do make him walk out until it's all done, someone who can take your abuse and will handle it. Without walking out on you.
I'm gonna level with you here, if I was supporting my loved one through a birth and they told me to fuck off - that's exactly what I'd do!
(I've birthed 3 massive children myself, so I do know how scary and painful it can be).
Partners often feel really helpless in the delivery room, so keep that in mind.
Tell him what you need in terms of support and try and find new coping methods!
Fair enough, making you scared is pretty shitty of him.
Heres an idea. Instead of desperately wanting him there hoe about focus on having the right people there.
So plan it without him right now. And tell him you would love him there but right now youre mostly anxious about what he'll do and his lack of support.
Ok I should explain myself a bit more. I shouldn’t have used the term “fuck off” I’ve never abused anyone in my labour there’s just a fair bit of screaming and swearing when contractions started. I’ve said fuck during a contractions and possibly swore at someone to “ fuck please push on my lower back someone fuck hurry please” due to back labor’s but not actually abuse someone ever. I would never abuse anyone. I don’t even attack my partner when we have our disagreements. Or when his swearing/abusing me some days cause his in pain.
I would just stop talking about what labour is going to be like with him. You're probably scaring him a bit 😂. How did your ex miss your other childrens births?
OK, you may want to edit your original post then. There's a huge difference between getting a bit shouty or sweary whilst labouring and swearing/shouting abuse directly at someone whilst your labouring - the way you described it sounds more like the latter when that's not the case!
He sounds like he's being a jerk to be honest, it may just be because he's not sure how to cope with it all or it may be that he lacks any kind of empathy! I would try and find a back up support person just in case.
My ex with the first born was out having a cigarette and on the phone.
Second born he didn’t want to go last minute and I had to get my Mum to come with me. And third birth he said take your Mum again as I’m not going so I did. I had issues where it was me or baby the rate I was going and my mother tried to call him and he wouldn’t pick up mind you these phone calls where at 7am.
My ex was pretty shocking even during pregnancy. I was on diets got asked if second born was even his due to not looking like the first.
I think that’s my worry of all is I don’t want repeats which my partner now is amazing but one of those males where you could kill them as all they do is joke their never serious or when they are they don’t want to express themselves.
Wow, your ex sounds like a complete asshole. Even really abusive men want to be there for their kids births. I don't think you will need to worry about your new partner being like that because it's not common. Just stop thinking about labour, stop talking about it. I know its hard but the only thing its going to do is make you stress out.
Or instead of not talking about it. Talk about what you DO want itto be. Ie) calm, supportive, him supporting you and knowing that swear words mean youre in real pain and want support. Overall it sounds like you want it to be pleasant and are really scared that he'll let you down. And when you try to prepare him, his responses aren't really making you confident in how it will go.
Stop talking about the labour with him and anyone who was getting abused would probably walk out, I don’t think he’s wrong there (I’ve given birth naturally). It sounds like you are scaring him, talk with your midwife about your fears, that’s what they are there for,partners are usually more afraid during the labour than us going through it, don’t put it on him.
Yeah don’t talk too much about what it’s going to be like.
See it as if it’s your first labour for the th of you, because it kind of is. Neither of you know what the other is like in that exact situation so just wait it out and see.
Do you know what his ex was like during labour? Maybe it’s his fear talking. Or maybe she abused him and that’s what he is scared about.