This is really hard for me to write, so please just give me help and advice, I know how I feel is wrong but I just can't help it.
I don't love my step daughter. Don't get me wrong, I look after her, spoil her and treat her as my own. But as much as I adore her father, I just don't have the same feelings for her.
I am actually at the point where I dread her coming over. I actually get JEALOUS when her father gives her all the attention instead of me, like he will snuggle up to her on the lounge watching tv while I sit away. Makes plans with her but never with me. Never forgets her birthdays and other events, yet makes no effort with me.
Everyone raves about what a wonderful child she is, but I just don't see it.
How can I deal with this ridiculous jealousy? He even told her he wanted her to be with us more often and I panicked at the thought of her being here more than she already is.
This is so juvenile of me.
What can I do?
Is there anything I can do to bond with her more? Will the love eventually come? I really want to love her!
Need help with loving step daughter
Need help with loving step daughter
Posted in:
Parenthood Guilt
25 Replies
Sounds like it's not ridiculous... Really stop and give that thought some credit... He doesn't make plans with you? He doesn't remember your birthday or make any special effort?
I think if you were feeling happy in your relationship with him you wouldn't be feeling this way about his child.
He thinks I don't mind that he doesn't make a big deal out of the no plans/no special attention occasions. I feel silly asking him to give me more attention, I wish he would step up himself and appreciate me. I'm starting to feel like I'm not worth it
First thing you need to do is say, you know what? It actually does bother me you dont make an effort.
I was like you once, wanted to play it cool about the special occassions, didn't want to seem demanding, but 8 years later I got jack of it and said you know what, i feel under appreciated and explained about the birthdays etc. So things changed. Sounds like u need to have a conversation with your partner because this isnt really about that little girl. Your step daughter highlights your partner has the abilities to be devoting but your not feeling any devotion.
Also just keep reminding yourself she is a child. She isnt in control of the way her dad does things. These issues are not her fault and instead of sitting back and feeling like your just on the side line of the daddy daughter club, join in! All the best xx
Also, do you have your own children? The snuggling thing got my attention. How do you have time to want him on you all the time? Once you have kids, you just don't have that time, it's shared that's just a fact. You get him all to yourself when she's in bed.
Yes I have kids of my own, including a newborn with my partner. All the more reason I feel terrible for feeling this way. I don't feel maternal towards her at all.
You dont have to feel maternal or even parent her. Sounds like hes very handson which is great. You do havs to learn to give her time sith him or give him time to parent her, but takr the pressure off to love her. All you have to do is provide care, the rest will come as long as you keep working on making it positive and dealing with your negative feelings.
Is there a large age gap in your relationship? Like enough for you to have a parent/child dynamic because you are many years younger and he is much more mature/wise? This would explain why you would feel in competition with the child. You don’t seem to have a step parent mentality, but more a jealous sibling mentality.
A mature woman in a grown up relationship would view the relationship as you two being the parents, raising a child together, but you put yourself on her level, in competition. To be honest, I find this kind of thought process very dysfunctional, I think you need to get to the source. I have to ask, how old are you? Maybe it’s just a matter of him not giving you enough attention, love, affection? Think about the real reason you feel what you feel. Remember, feelings don’t make us bad people, it’s what you do with them that does and you’ve done nothing wrong.
No, I am actually slightly older than he is which is what makes this even more crazy. Plus I have children of my own plus a newborn with him. I just feel like all the attention is going to the kids, in particular the step daughter who has become very sooky and clingy towards him since the baby... Yes I know kids come first, but I think a relationship is worth nurturing as well.
Sounds like you are all going through an adjustment/transition phase as there has always been his kids, your kids and now there’s ours. He may be especially sensitive to the fact that his daughter only comes part time to the house and wants to ensure she feels secure in her place in the family unit, even though a new baby has come along. It has probably also brought on feelings of guilt as this baby lives with him whilst is daughter doesn’t, it becomes glaringly obvious to him that he is fathering this child more than his other, hence wanting his daughter over more. Not sure what the solution is as I can only imagine if I had two kids of my own and only one lives with me full time, there would be some serious guilt issues. You may also be a little hormonal and extra sensitive, having just given birth. I’m am sure you will all find your feet, just everyone is adjusting to the new normal. The best thing you can do is communicate with him and even help him build a strong relationship with his non custodial child, even if that means having her over more. Perhaps the more she comes over, the less he will compensate, but give yourself, him and the kids time.
Also, to be honest, if I had these feelings of resentment towards a partner, Iwouldn’t have added another child, but reconsidered my future with him. Babies have a way of magnifying the problems in a relationship, not fixing them.
I absolutely love the man, I couldn't imagine life without him. And you are right, I do feel extremely hormonal which isn't helping things right now. I think its more to do with my lack of communication, but I feel crazy asking for more attention under the current circumstances. But I think its what I need, to be reassured that I am still important. I feel very selfish wanting this
Youre going through a lot, there are a lot of different dynamics for you each to manage, you need to communicate and talk about how its going. Even saying you how you feel can help, it doesnt need to take anything away from her.
Also think of it this way, holding it yourself, or letting it sit and become a wedge in your feelings towards the child is not fair for either of you.
I'm confused why you married a man if you don't love his child? That aside, you're asking for help. Firstly, you're an adult. Remind yourself of that when you're feeling jealous of a kid. Secondly, parents never get the level of affection childless couples can have because cuddles need to be shared around and kids like cuddling their parents. Remember you signed up for that. Thirdly, if you can stop yourself seeing her as competition, relax. You'll start to value her then because you'll see how important she is to hubby... And that should make you happy too if you love him it's natural. Finally, remind him you need affection too. Even if it's just making sure you get affection when she's with her mum or he cuddles her but reaches out to give your hand a squeeze. You'll get there if you can change your jealous reaction
This just makes no sense to me. I married a man who has kids, that doesn’t automatically mean I love his kids. If that’s happened with you then hats off but seriously, he is one person, the kids are separate people unto themselves, it doesn’t automatically mean you fall in love with them too. Jealousy is a normal emotion and we are allowed to have it, I used to date a guy who was jealous of the attention I gave my cat. Doesn’t make him a bad person, just a normal one.
Different poster.....I think what we are all getting at is that most people wouldn’t marry a man if they didn’t like their child, because that’s kind of a big problem they would like to resolve first. You see it as a separate issue, but the truth is they are called blended families for a reason, it isn’t just about you and him, it’s about the total dynamics of the family and as you can see, this issue does and will effect your relationship with him eventually.
I’d be having a close look at your relationship. If you feel like you are treated less than by your partner then it’s not going to help your relationship with your step daughter.
You don’t love her because she highlights all the things that’s wrong with the relationship. You can’t brush things under the carpet when she is there because he demonstrates he is capable.
Examine your relationship. Is this ok by you? Really? If it’s not and it’s not something that he is prepared to change then walk. It’s not his daughter that is the problem, it’s HIM.
Dealing with these feelings as a step mum is really tough, I know from experience. If you look after and treat her well as you say you do that is a positive. Here's a few suggestions 1. It might help to think about what your role is with her. Like you don't have to give her mummy love, she has one of those. You could be a friend or a mentor type person. 2. Understand that dad doesn't see her all the time so he will lavish attention on her when he can. There could be guilt on his side as well. Allow them time together. 3. Is it possible to plan an activity for yourself sometimes when she comes over? That way her and dad can spend time together and you are busy too. 4. Allow yourself to feel feelings. Examine them. Pushing them down makes it worse and you will obsess over it. 5. Try to relax and not force a relationship. Do some fun activities all together, doesn't have to be over the top. Even something like a gaming console if they are old enough. Step mumming is tough so try not to beat yourself up about not loving it 100% of the time.
I feel exactly this way about my 5 year old step daughter. I DREAD her coming over. She has a 2 year old brother who is just the best kid ever. I have 11,8,6 year olds. To me, she’s just not a likeable child. She whinges, cries, dobs all the time. I don’t like spending time with her, she climbs all over me, sooks if I give the other kids a cuddle before her in the morning, goes into my room (where kids aren’t allowed) and touches everything. I get anxious when he talks about them living with us full time. The 2 year old I could easily have here more often but her, there’s just something about her I don’t like. I know it sounds juvenile like you say, I try so hard to feel love for her but I can’t. I honestly don’t think there’s anything we can do except fake it til we make it.
Yeah, she is a dobber too, even pinches my daughter when things don't go her way. I can't stand the constant sooking, whinging, attention seeking from her. I don't feel maternal towards her at all. Its so hard to fake liking someone
It is, I know. My step daughter provokes my 6 year old (who is very easily provoked and short tempered as it is) then my husband will growl at my DD and step DD will gloat. There so many little things she does, and when you write them down they all sound petty, but when they’re happening they’re SO frustrating. I really don’t want her living here full time, I am due in December and I just dread it. You doing it with a newborn must be so hard. Hormones play some part no doubt but I also believe you about how she acts and the attention from your husband she gets. It’s all a factor and adds up. Good luck x
Do you have children yourself?
You need to separate the issues.
Your partner doesn't give you the attention you want, so you need to communicate that with him rather than resenting his daughter because he's meeting her needs!
You can't force yourself to love her - what you do need to do is find a way to process and deal with these feelings because she's not going to stay a little girl forever, soon enough she'll be a teenager that will be able to sense the way you feel about her!
"Everyone raves about what a wonderful child she is, but I just don't see it". Maybe you need to start looking for the qualities everyone else is talking about rather than focusing on what you feel she's taking away from you.
I would honestly suggest some counselling, possibly both couples and individual.
Being a step mum is hard, being a stepchild isn't a walk in the park either. Try and put yourself in her shoes, it may help you see things more clearly.
Find yourself a good therapist to work on your self esteem. The relationship with your SD will flourish once you’ve worked on your self worth, he sounds like a terrific guy. I judge a bloke by how he parents and how he treats/speaks about his ex (the mother of his kids). If this guy does both well, then hang on to him, work on communicating better, to have your needs met. But first you gotta meet your own needs.
Don’t let your issues be the ruin of a great relationship.
I would never judge someone on how they treat or talk about the mother/father of their kids until you know the truth about why they do and if it’s valid.
His ex cheated on him, there was even speculation as to whether my partner was even the father of his daughter. I wouldn't expect him to speak well of her
I’ve read a lot of the replies on this question and it’s amazing how many people are saying get over it - see a therapist etc etc. I wonder how many of them are actually step-parents? Not many I’m assuming. Being a step-parent is a bloody tough gig. I know - I have 5 stepkids living with us full time 100%. They are not your biological children, and yes it does feel totally different to your own. You can love, tolerate and forgive your own children a lot easier than you can your step child. You are willing to do a lot more for your own child ie cook, clean, run errands etc and it not feel as much like a chore and that you are a slave.
I don’t agree that you have to love your step kids in order to be with their parent. That feeling can not be forced, even if you wanted to love them. Same as the step child won’t necessarily love you. But I do think you should try and treat them with kindness, care and respect. And you should hopefully get the same back. I also don’t agree with the comments saying it’s up to the bio parent to parent them. In my house there are 2 parent figures (their bio dad and me), and we also have children together. We both parent them all. Actually more so me as I’m a SAHM. To those that say the step parent shouldn’t parent but be the “aunt/friend” type, what about when bio parent isn’t around? Do you just report back to bio parent later? I deal with the issues there and then.