Hi mums. I've been separated six months and have a beautiful independent 4 yr old boy (as independent as a 4yo can get 😂) who I look after about 2/3 of the time. He's at a point where he loves being with his dad who lives on a big property, prob moreso than me, as we are cooped up at my parents (I care for my sick mother). Im also at a point where I'm needing to invest more time into my career to help it take off (part time). My question is, do you think there would be any harm in letting my son stay with his dad an equal amount of time to me - allowing me slightly more space for my mum and to work part time. I've read in psych papers that letting a preschooler be away from the primary caregiver for more than a few nights can be detrimental. In our case it would be something like 5 nights on 5 nights off. His dad is great as a parent (terrible husband, we are barely on speaking terms) but i feel totally guilty at the thought of leaving him there in case he feels abandonded by me or starts to want to stay with his dad full time (though not possible or realistic and would break my heart). He's never really been a mummys boy but i have been the primary caregiver his whole life. Do you think will it harm our relationship in any way to do 50/50 or do you think it would be good to see us both equally? I should also add that in both cases when we have our child, neither of us would be working so both home looking after him (not putting in childcare) and generally have a similar parenting style - the only thing we actually agree on.
5 Replies
If you and your ex don’t have similar parenting styles and routines then I wouldn’t do it. After watching my niece and nephew struggle doing the 50/50 where there parents couldn’t communicate and co-operate in regards to parenting, there is no way I’d want to see another child go through that.
You also have to take into account distance from schools etc.
if you and your ex can communicate/negotiate and keep similar routines, punishments etc then it can be very successful.
I would do it. My youngest was 3 when I separated and was so much happier with his dad than with me and his brother and sister. I arranged for him to go an extra night than the others and he thrived on it. There is no one size fits all when it comes to custody arrangements and each child needs different things. If you know he is happy and dad is doing a great job it could be a win win for you all.
Seems like a good solution for everyone. Primarily your son.
I see no issues at all. Except taht you two dont get on. Shared care needs you to work together to make it work, or your little child just wont deal with it.
Risks are - if he doesnt cope, will ex be satisfied with you deciding to drop it back (very often you both dont see the same things from the child). Perhaps offer it as a thing for a month because he 'loves it there right now' just until you see how you go.
Giving 50/50 before he starts school may mean you could have a problem where he will live/attend school when he starts and potentially lose primary care if thats the way it goes.
Personally I wouldnt change it right now, just arrange some extra holidays but make it clear theyre holidays while he can, before he starts school, if that could be an issue.
Some good suggestions already provided but yeah every child is different. If you do I personally was considering a fortnightly share of 5,2,2,5 (being equal nights shared). It makes a fortnight and is 50/50 without too many nights away from either parents. In saying that I have an extremely conflict-free co parenting relationship with my daughters dad. I think any time there is no communication or it’s not effective 2 way communication it won’t work. Only thing that didn’t allow us to go 50/50 was that her dad works away at times so wouldn’t be able to do this on a consistent basis and keep routine.