The quick back story is that I was with my physically and emotionally abusive ex for 5 years. Although he was not the father of my 2 children (now 9 and 8) and never physically harmed them, they saw and heard the things he put me through and coming out of that relationship DS9 has made it very clear that he does not want me in another relationship.
Both kids have been in counselling and have come out the other side better than I could ever have imagined. But of course they will always have their struggles.
Fast forward, I met a really great guy, (for the purpose of this question, A) and we really hit it off, he has been everything my ex never could be. We have been spending time together for a little longer than 3 months now and he has met my kids but only as a friend of mine. My kids love him and he is great with them, but my son is still insistent that he does not want me to have a boyfriend.
A has now asked me to be his girlfriend and I said yes. Leaving me with the need to explain to my son that he is more than just my friend.
A would really like to be a part of the conversation as he wants to assure my son that he cares deeply about all 3 of us and that he will never hurt us the way we have been hurt in the past. He seems to know better than me what my son needs to hear at the moment.
I'm after opinions on how others have/would handle this situation. This is such a happy time for me and should be for my kids as well and I just want to make sure that this doesn't impact my son negatively.
14 Replies
Your son probably feels very proctective and is looking out for you which is beautiful. Maybe get A to have a private talk to him and ask him if its ok if he starts a relationship with you whilst reassuring him. If your son says no then I think (sorry to say) maybe back off a bit with no pressure and give him some more time with A as friend.
First thought is do you really have to tell him? If the title is so scary, but he accepts your partner, just increase the time around and wait longer until its just a thing that hes a good part of your life before labeling it.
To be honest, I feel like your boyfriend shouldn’t be there when you tell your son.
I remember my mum telling me about her boyfriend and I would have hated them there when they told me. Especially if he is taken by surprise.
Maybe you could tell your son, and then also mention that your boyfriend is coming over the next day because he’d really like to check if he is okay with DS and reassure him that he will look after you. That way, he is prepared, AND your new boyfriend also gets a chance to try and prove that he isn’t going to be like your previous partner.
Personally even if you’ve both agreed to be in a relationship, I wouldn’t rush into telling your children. 3 months isn’t that long.
I’d hold off and no it shouldn’t come from the boyfriend. Your kids don’t need to know your relationship status and I’d hold off until the six month mark.
Don’t make the mistake of letting him play dad early in the piece. This guy is just your boyfriend and your kids need to know you are the leader and a man doesn’t change that.
It's been 3 months, I've had ham in the fridge longer than that lol!
With all due respect, it's too soon to be giving this relationship and this man any kind of official title or role in your lives, especially given your past relationship history.
Your son is telling you he's not ready. Please listen to him!
For now you just need to keep hanging out with this guy as a friend and slowly increase visits so your son has the time to adjust and so you can get to know him much, much better.
If and when the time comes to discuss your relationship status, that is something you and your children need to discuss privately, as much as this guy may want to come in and state his honourable intentions to them, the kids need to be able to process this on their own terms which can be hard to do in front of new partners.
You need to approach dating in a slow and cautious way. Of course this should be a happy time for you but you've got to balance that with your children's emotional wellbeing too. We don't have the luxury of going in hard and fast as primary caregivers, that's massively unfair but when you're their only source of stability you have to be careful not to rock the boat.
Best of luck
Your kids have had to have therapy because of your last bad choice and you want to introduce the new guy three months in! Come on, you’re better than that. Focus on your kids, helping them heal, keep seeing the guy, keep him away from the kids for now and it doesn’t matter what label you give it, he’s still a stranger. He also seemsoverly interested in the kids for someone you’ve only been seeing three months and the fact that you think he knows what they need more than you, their mother, is a red flag for me. They are your kids and you know what’s best, don’t ever forget that, you just seem so vulnerable and I hope the kids don’t pay for that.
Your son is also showing he has lost faith in your judgment by not wanting you in another relationship, so be very sure when you introduce this guy or your relationship could be very damaged with him. Three months is not enough time to be 100 percent sure.
I missed that the first time, but yes that line about him wanting to be involved in telling the son and him knowing what her son needs best screams problems.
For him wanting it, but moreso for poster for believing it. Even if it felt true, logic must reassure you that you as the mother know him best and must not overinvolve the new man with the children and your relationship with them and parenting of them.
Do not doubt yourself. Your son needs YOU to know him and do best, not to defer to the new man.
You need to really look at your mindset going into this.
With that mindset, the kids have no hope. He might come in and be the disciplinarian because he knows what “kids need”. How can she possibly let a man who has been in their life three months call the shots, this is exactly how kids end up in dangerous circumstances and it isn’t the first time for these particular kids. I feel really uneasy about this post and wish the op would back herself and prioritise her kids over her giddy feeling of being in love. She’s in the honeymoon period, she doesn’t even know the real him yet, I wish she would wise up and act more mature and cautious.
I think I worded that wrong, he doesn't think he knows what they need or anything like that. I more so meant that he is aware and understanding that there will be challenged and boundaries and he just wants to show my son that those days are behind us.
Having thought it through, I am going to leave it longer and let it happen as it feels right. It's really hard to navigate these waters. But I am their only constant and it's just not fair to put my happiness ahead of what my son needs right now.
Thank you.
Fair enough, we only saw a snippet of your relationship in one paragraph. I’m so glad you are putting your son’s needs first and I really hope things go well with the new guy.
Wait, wait and wait. And wait again. 3 months is miniscule. You should know after being in an abusive relationship that true colours don't show for some time. Please wait for this time to happen! Wait for the lovey dovey stage to be over and you've been through a few stressful stages to see what he's really made of before bringing someone else into your kids lives. Keep him as your friend for now with minimal time with your kids until the time is right. You owe it to your kids to be extra careful.
I’m 7 years past DV. I haven’t been in another relationship yet, so don’t have the experience. But I personally would wait a bit longer.
This person can just be a friend who spends time with the family and I think your kids could do with the time to get to know & trust this person as a family friend, rather than a possible new father figure.
Sorry but it sounds like it’s moving way too fast and this guy is wanting to control the situation. Speak to his ex and see what she says about him.
Take a step back, focus on your kids, continue with counseling (you and the kids) and see how things are in 12 months.
Your kids inherited your former abusive partner for half of their lives. Time to think about the kids wellbeing. Listen to your son. I bet he sees right through the nice guy facade. I know I did as a kid, but it just looked like I was being selfish or a trouble maker and it has affected my relationship with my family.