Are there any mums out there who don’t live with their young children (post divorce)?? How do you cope? How often do you see them? How do you deal with the judgement of others who think kids should be with their mums? Seriously struggling with this at the moment and keen to hear some tips from others in similar situations..?
6 Replies
As long as you know you are doing the right thing and what is best for them, I wouldn’t worry about others. Your kids are number one priority, if they are happy that’s all that should matter to you. Do you have to tell others they don’t live with you full time, can you just say we have shared care? I’m assuming you have them sometimes, so it isn’t a lie, it just not disclosing the actual care arrangement. Do you have a custody agreement? I would see them as often as possible to ensure you have a strong bond and they know you love them. Most part time parents have every second weekend and a mid week dinner on the off week, but that’s just the standard. Can you negotiate something that works for all involved? It’s a bit hard to provide advice when we don’t know the full story and what legal, if any, agreements have been reached and the reason the father is the primary caregiver.
I don’t know from experience but I guess it would be all about being very selective in how much you share with people. I think it’s one of those topics that people will always have an opinion about and always think they have a right to get it across even when it’s not welcome. So culling a lot of people is probably the easiest.
I’m sure you have your reasons, and your closest and dearest will know/understand those reasons, and the rest can get lost tbh.
I think the only way you will cope, is with time. And I think you should see them as often as you need to, or as often as you comfortably can.
Reasons for being apart are nothing legal, just that it is very difficult for me to get work where they are currently based with their Dad. He is the primary caregiver as he is self employed and works from home so has the flexibility to manage school etc.
No formal custody arrangement as we get along really well and have had no need for one this far.
I think I’m just struggling with the guilt of working away and not living in the same town as them. That, and feeling like I’m putting work before my children when I’m actually moving away to chase work so I can support them now I’m on my own.
Can you live with him and the kids until you find work in the town he is in? Or if the father works from home, can he move to where you are and care for them during the day and you have them nights or 50/50 or something? How old are they? Are they coping okay with you not around?
My ex and I share 3 kids. He has our 8 year old and I have our youngest two. We split holidays with the oldest (the youngest stay with me) and one weekend I have all of the kids and the next weekend he has all of the kids. I call my 8 year old 2-4 times a week as much as both of our home lives allow us. It's hard. It's really hard. But it's what works for us.
I live in Cairns and my eldest son lives in Sydney. He visits every school holidays. Has been this way since he was 9. He is now 14. He lives with his dad, step mum and siblings. I live with my husband and our kids.
My boy calls me twice a day, we text and we have a secret family facebook page so we can keep up to date with each other all the time.
It took a long time to get used to it for me, i missed him so much, but now we are closer then we ever have been.
Quality time is what matters. Keeping in touch even if its just sending a stupid photo to each other. Or "love you" via text.
It can work as long as both parties (parents) want to make it work. And work hard to make sure it does.
Judgment from other mums... couldn't care less. He is a happy boy and this works for him. Let them judge... not my problem.