I feel like a rubbish mother. Today I really shouted at my daughter because she wants me to play with her when I get in from a full day's work, and I am just too exhausted and busy.
My husband is working abroad, has been since February, 28 days at a time with 6 days off. My daughter is missing him a lot.
I work full time and have no help from parents as they are too far away.
I am doing everything to run the house, including food shopping, cooking, cleaning, housework, washing, ironing. I have just started an online course for my work too (I am a teacher).
My daughter is 6 and therefore at school and childminders before and after school, and plays all day. But when we get home, she is wanting me to playwith her. I can't, becauseI have to cook dinner. I then have to wash up. After dinner I am already beginning to feel exhausted. She then wants me to play. I already feel guilty because I said no earlier, so I play for a bit. She likes role playing, which I find tiring, I suggest colouring or drawing or a jigsaw, but she wants to pretend.
Tonight I did it for 10 minutes but then because of time, it was 7.45pm and it's bedtime. She kept ignoring my stern requests to go upstairs, and then began to whinge that it wasn't enough, we didn't play enough. I lost it. I banged my head against the wall in pure frustration and exhaustion and shouted that I must be a terrible mother.
I then broke down in tears in front of her. I told her how hard everything is. How exhausted I am. But I broke her heart. She looked so worried, and she wanted hugs.
She kept saying sorry over and over, I have told her it isn't her fault that I am on my own (After all, that's my husband's).
We have had a long cuddle in bed and I have tried to reassure her as best I can. I feel like such a dreadful mum though, so explode like that in front of her. I have explained to her that I can't always play, I have got jobs, and I am exhausted.
Am I being terrible? Do mums play everyday with their children?
Please send some support.
22 Replies
Mumma, grab yourselves some take away tonight and enjoy playing with her :) she’s telling you she needs more attention.
Nope. Six is old enough to understand. Set her up doing activitied where you watch and check in and chat while youre doing your thing. Try to give her fifteen minutes of your undivided attention when you first get in, Maybe she just misses you especially if its just the 2 of you right now, and then later do bedtime, and thats good enough!
I’m a single working mum of one child. Some nights we just watch tv together, no I don’t play with her every night. Since I’ve become singl, I’ve found things so much easier, like dinner, you can just throw something easy together because it’s just the two of you, less washing, because we are out all day, less housework. It’s also quiet, because they don’t have a sibling to fight with. I look at the mums with three or four kids and think, how the hell do they do it? Enjoy the time with hubby away, just you and your little girl, change your mindset and things will get easier.
If you do want to spend more time with her, consider paper plates and cutlery every now and then, and a slow cooker meal or just a roast chook from Safeway :) something really simple. It can totally be done .
That’s what I was thinking! Much as it is a waste, use paper plates and cutlery a couple nights a week so you don’t have to wash up. Or else, get up a little earlier in the morning and wash up then, before your daughter gets up.
It’s time to make adjustments to your life so you can cope.
As a single mum working full time there is no way I cooked everynight. I cooked everythird night. I would make enough so that it could be reheated/frozen for other nights. There are a lot less washing up that way and much more time efficient.
As for house work it’s time for you and hubby to invest in a cleaner. If he isn’t in the house and you and your daughter aren’t at home all day a thorough clean once a fortnight should be plenty.
Make a date night for you and your daughter. Ours was Fridays.We’d grab a cheap takeaway and spend the evening together. Dishes and sweeping can wait one night.
Think about investing in technology that can help you. A robot vacuum etc. get your daughter to help, she can dry dishes she is six, or she can load and unload a dishwasher. Explain the moreshe helps the more play time.
Firstly my initial thought was wow what a super mum your doing one hell of a single mum role
As for getting upset like that we all do it and have melt downs the fact that you are even concerned about the incident proves your a beautiful mother and want to fix it
She is only 6 and they have no understanding of the burden you are carrying and she is not but maybe sujjest role playing as a little mummy help you out with chores and interact that way
Consider Saturday were you cook a few meals and freeze and then use the slow cooker ??
Get the hello fresh where you just get it delivered Nd you whip it up quick when you get home
Don't worry about cleaning so much and may be have a bath with her go for an evening walk and just chat !
I understand as I am in a similar position and if hubby is away do you need to work full time can you go part time maybe ,
It's about making your time less stressful !
But do not beat yourself up just breathe and enjoy your time together and you will less likely feel like exploding it's unfair I think when men work away for that long as it's a huge bundle for us mums and they do not get it talk to him and tell him the stress is to much
Your great put it down to a bad experience on your behalf and wake up and start again knowing what you know now
My cooking is no effort. Meat in oven... Leave it alone. 6 mins before it's ready, chop veggies and chuck them in the steamer Saucepan. Done. My 4 and 7 year old chop the veggies with me and do the dishes with me. They enjoy the time with me and they learn good skills and values and habits and health knowledge at the same time. While meat cooks you have time to play. It's literally about 3 minutes of actual work in total. However, all parents respond emotionally at times and that's OK. Plus... Why is it your husband's fault he's overseas... Is he putting himself above you? If so, have an honest conversation about what your marriage needs are. If he's doing it for the family, you probably have 50 to hire a cleaner for 2 hours every fortnight.
I’m the same, I only have to cook for one kid, it’s so easy, you don’t have to make big meals like when cooking for a big family. A load of washing every couple of days as there is only two of us, very little housework as we arent there all day, ironing on the weekend for the week and food shopping isn’t much for just two. I thought the same about the husband, he’s overseas working to make money for his family, why is it his fault, I’m sure he would rather be there with them. I think it wouldn’t matter what the op did or didn’t have to do, ten kids or one, I think she needs to speak to someone, she seems very negative/down about life.
Funnily enough I am cooking for the family, but 8 rissoles or 4 chops in the oven and a few more florets of broccoli and an extra carrot is easy peasy. I don't do mash and other more time consuming vegetable options unless I'm cooking in advance for freezing. I think if you live by meat and 3 veges or salad or tacos etc... Basic foods, it's super quick. I was getting overwhelmed like this mum so I literally worked out how we could eat healthy meals without effort (because I hate cooking and didn't like that I was ordering takeout).
Wow, you sound amazing, I always wonder how people with a big family do it.....you keep it simple like me but with bigger quantities 😀 I love the sachets too, like masterfoods, they tell you what you need and simple instructions, especially the bakes,throw it all together and put in oven.
Lol. Not amazing. Just reached where this mum is and needed to find a different approach
If you don't have time for things that matter, stop doing things that don't.
She's not. She's overwhelmed and needs reassuring it happens, her daughter isn't damaged and suggestions on how to minimise the impact some of the necessary but less valued things like cleaning /cooking etc have on her time
You are NOT a terrible mother. What you are is woman stretched to her absolute limits doing everything on her own. You have to manage every part of the house day-to-day while working and studying. You are (I am assuming) dealing with young people needing your guidance and attention all day long and then going home and having your tiny person needing you and wanting attention and time and energy that you just don't have. I get it completely.
I'm in a similar situation (apart from the fact that my husband isn't working away). I deal with competing demands on my time constantly at work which is incredibly draining on me, then I have my daughter chasing me around when we get home "Mum, Mum watch me, do this, play with me!" Or she cracks it (rightly) because she's being rushed around and doesn't get to enjoy things as she should. Tonight I shouted at her when I picked her up from OSHC. I'd had a frustrating day at work and I'm coming down with a cold so I'm in that sneezy, headachey, feeling like complete crap phase. She was upset because I wouldn't let her get changed so she was dressed the same as her friend. I wanted her to pick up and leave immediately because it was hot and I had fresh meat in the car for dinner. Then I looked at her shoes (brand new, first time she's had shoelaces which she insisted on having) and instead of undoing the laces she'd been shoving her feet in and bending down the heels. She's been able to tie her own laces for a long time (She's 7) but despite my offers to teach her how to undo double bows she's refused but insists on doing them up in double bows so couldn't undo them! They weren't cheap, however, and I was livid in that moment. I made her put her shoes on dragged her to the car. Once in the car she started telling me off because in the process of muscling her to the car I'd caused her to rip or tear something she'd made. I completely flipped and shouted at her that I didn't care, she'd pissed me off when she wouldn't come and then seeing how she'd treated her shoes despite me asking her constantly if she wanted me to show her how to undo the laces and we'd just spent good money on them and how dare she treat them that way and disrespect our hard work and so on... She burst into tears and so did I. I hugged her tight when we got home. I knew it had been the stress of my day and feeling unwell that had caused my anger, and she had gotten upset due to having to change her plans and then deal with a mum who was trying to rush her home so we could cook dinner and she was understandably feeling overwhelmed. I apologised profusely and we hugged and she sat at the bench and played (with an onion, of all things, haha) and we talked while I prepared our dinner. I often find it hard to find the energy to play with her when we do get time. Like your daughter she loves to play pretend and I'd much rather play board games or cards or colouring or go to the park than role play. This often ends in frustration and I have to try to compromise. We've chosen not to give her siblings so I kinda have to suck it up sometimes. I also find time every night to lay with her while she falls asleep and we get time to talk and hug and reconnect which I hope is helping her.
Many women (parents, really) are time poor these days. I don't think we're alone in feeling like we don't have enough time for our kids and our kids probably demand more from us than we have to give.
I don't know what to suggest to relieve things, but I hope you feel less alone xxxx
You're not the first mum to lose her composure in front of her kids, we're only human - appologise to her for losing it and move on, dwelling on it will only make you feel worse and it doesn't achieve anything.
Acknowledge it, accept it, put it behind you...
I'm kind of getting the vibe that you're on the fast track to completely burning out though, now would be a really good time to reassess your priorities.
You need to find some balance, theres got to be a way to maintain the house, work/study, spend quality time with your daughter and making sure you get some rest and down time yourself!
Hire a cleaner if you have to, cook simple meals in advance, eat take away, give a big middle finger to the housework (It ain't going anywhere), and just accept the chaos to an extent!
I try to play with my kids (roleplay as well) but they always get angry at me for "doing it wrong" (even though I do exactly what they say) and it always ends in tears. They're happier playing with each other so I just let them play while I do housework.
Why are you trying to do it all? I presume you both earn a decent wage? Get a cleaner, housekeeper, aupair, a fairy godmother, whatever it takes to free up your time to tend to your needs as well as having energy to play with your daughter.
Imagine having someone for a few hours each afternoon to pre-cook dinner, do some washing, tidy up, play with your daughter, while you get to go for a walk, or take a long bath, they do all the washing up then you sit down with your girl feeling refreshed. I’d get a cleaner if for a few hours once a week as well. Alternatively, you get ready made meals delivered, and you do the housework once your daughter is in bed or before she wakes up
It’s ok to have a meltdown in front of your child! It’s how you deal with it afterwards that can potentially do harm. In your case, you’ve apologised and explained you’re feeling overwhelmed by everything - just remember to keep it age appropriate. Get your daughter involved in helping with chores - food prep, clean up, housework, shopping. When you do play with her give her a time limit, what needs to be done next, and a consequence for whinging afterwards. It’s hard! Make sure you also get some ‘me’ time each day so you can recharge your batteries. If you don’t look after yourself you won’t be able to do your best for your little girl.
Nope, we dont play every day and I don't role play. And definitely not at 7:45pm. Thats book and bed time.
How about get her a little apron and she can help with dinner and wash up and that can be some time together at the end of the day.
As for your melt down, welcome to the EVERY SINGLE PARENT club. We have ALL done it.
Ok so you had a shit Mum moment. You will remember it forever and wonder if you fucked her up because of it. You definitely haven’t and we all have these moments.
Thank you for sharing this tbh because it helps to know that I’m not the only one who loses it from time to time.
I have a 6yr old boy and work FT. My husband works a lot and isn’t around much. So I totally get where you’re coming from.
Ok, so if she isn’t happy to play independently or watch tv when you come home here are a few options.
Firstly explain that you can’t play as there is heaps to do. TBH she just wants to spend time with you. Doesn’t matter what it is.
1. Get her to help you make dinner. There are kids veggie peelers and knives that are completely safe to use. Let her do some prep and then set the table.
2. If you’re doing domestic chores like changing sheets etc or putting on washing have her help you. They actually enjoy it and you’re teaching them a great life skill.
3. Have her feed the animals (if you have any).
4. Set her up at the kitchen table/breakfast bar with some colouring in or homework that she can do and still hang out with you while you’re getting dinner ready.
Remember to introduce some independent play at times as well. It’s important that kids know how to occupy themselves
You’re doing a great job providing for your family. Just remember to make sure you get some time for yourself as well.
Firstly, you are only human and I’m sure you’re doing the best that you can.
Secondly, we all have time limits and I can honestly say I don’t have quality time to sit with my kids and play with them during the week. We usually do something small together on weekends and my kids are happy kids. Also, research will tell you it’s good for kids to be bored. Gives their brains a rest from work, and develops their problem solving and creativity.
Thirdly, I know I’ve had meltdowns in front of my kids and then calmed down and told them (age appropriately) that I’m very tired. They are surprisingly understanding and caring! I teach them it’s ok to have feelings and how to deal with them. So, I guess these times are when I have to walk the walk and not just talk the talk.
Sounds like you need to try and top up your own cup. Even the smallest things are better than nothing.