My partner apparently walked in on my 6 year old son humping his step sister. My partner has flipped out and my son is now banished to his room. I don’t know what to do. My son said he wasn’t. My son is also ASD level 1 and I am finding it so difficult to get any truth from him these days. I’m lost at what to do with my son and now my partner hating him to the core. I feel like my partner just puts up with him because he has to. What do I do about my son and the humping?
29 Replies
Your partner may be putting an adult spin on something childlike. My kids often do things that could be weird. We just educate.
How old is the step sister? Can you ask her what happened if she's old enough? Someone I know has a son who molested his baby sister so it does happen. I just don't understand why your partner would lie about that but I hope it's a misunderstanding. Sending you love and strength it would be such a hard situation x
She is 2. His just admitted to doing it and I feel sick. How do I fix this, do I take him to speak to someone
https://bravehearts.org.au/what-we-do/counselling-and-support/
I think you need to contact bravehearts and explain what has happened.
At his age it’s not about punishment but they will be able to help him, help you and help protect your step daughter as well.
You can’t simply ignore this or try to deal with this yourself - you need to get professional help.
Admitted to what? Thrusting his crotch or trying to make his penis hard? This could be a mountain out of a mole hill. My son's best friend at 6 bent over at a disco dancing and my son thrust... The kids dad and I laughed and had a discussion about appropriate contact. My son had been watching a teen titans so it wasn't sexual
He’s only six, what has he admitted to exactly? I would be more worried that he knows what that is at six and if someone is hurting him. My son at six, even older didn’t know what sex is.
Were they dry humping? Or clothes off? How old is the step sister? And how was she reacting? Was she intact the instigator?
I don’t think punishing is the right way but teaching him right/wrong and maybe putting some rules into action so that it doesn’t happen again, ie not letting them alone together or only out in the family rooms ect
Our adult minds go into over drive when we catch our kids doing something like this and we freak out but I think people forget that children aren't born with the inate knowledge that (most) adults have about right and wrong, appropriate and innapropriate etc, Its up to us as parents and even society in general to teach them what's acceptable and what's not. Your son being on the spectrum may also mean he might struggle to recognise the social cues that help guide this knowledge too, so it won't hurt to get some professional help in that respect.
Just remember, he's only a little boy. I really doubt he was maliciously trying to hurt your partner's daughter or even understood that what he was doing was of a sexual nature.
He doesn't need punishments and to be treated with contempt or shamed by your partner, this is an opportunity to educate him!
You mentioned that your partner just seems to merely tolerate your son, forgive me if I'm too blunt here but that's a really big problem, that needs to be addressed and rectified asap!
He's 6. I can't say anything else.
Firstly he might not know this is sexual or inappropriate. He might just know it feels good when his penis rubs up against something.
It’s not uncommon for little boys and girls to use furniture to rub against to make themselves feel good. It’s quite probable that this is an extension of this.
The first thing you do, is put a rule in place that children don’t go into each other’s bedrooms and both adults need to supervise and enforce this rule. They play together in the loungeroom, outside etc. and you supervise.
The second thing you do is contact your child’s treatment team (psychologist/OT/speech therapist) and tell them what happened and ask there advice and ask for appropriate sexual health programs/materials etc.
Third thing, you do is you reassess your relationship with your partner. You say he ‘puts up with your son’. That’s not acceptable, that’s not ok. And if that’s true you need to leave his arse. Talk to adults who grew up in homes where they were ‘put up with’ and listen to how they were damaged by that. It’s an absolute horrible feeling. Dump his arse. Love and protect your son and teach him he doesn’t have to live with someone who ‘puts up with him’!
You don’t do anything about your son but you do say “bye Felicia” to your partner. Your child comes first. He has Autism you don’t get to say it’s ok if he doesn’t like you! You are inflicting abuse on your child by leaving him to live with a man who treats him like crap and doesn’t even like him and probably shows him he doesn’t like him. What kind of mother are you. Also take your child to see a child therapist and OT to work on his behaviours and if you haven’t witnessed the behaviours how do you know it’s happened. Did your step daughter say it happened. Autism doesn’t just go away. It’s a life long condition where you need to work on life skills. My son is 9 and Has never tried to hump anyone. If your kid has witnessed you having sex or has seen it on a video then he is likely to mimic the behaviour and will need to work with someone to lessen and minimise the behaviour.
Probably will get jumped on but if my 2yo daughter was humped by a boy I'd be freaking pissed off no matter whether the kid had an understanding or not of the behaviour. Not that punishment is necessary but you need to address the lying and discuss with him why humping is inappropriate. He can't ever do this at school, it'd be a shit fight if he did.
For those saying that you should ditch your partner, we only have a small snippet of him starting to hate her son. It sounds like he's difficult due to his autism and if he is doing things that are effecting his daughter, he rightly so probably has some feelings of haste towards him.
My children that aren’t my partners and have autism are all “difficult” if he showed a dislike and treated them like this ladies partner is I’d be saying “good bye” id be concerned about my daughter if one of her older brothers did it to her and I’d be on top of it like a shot. Calling a counsellor and his OT and writing up a damn social story on what are the right behaviours are and what wrong behaviours are. But restricting him to his room full time is not ok. She doesn’t state what his level of ability is. My son is Level 2 (which won’t mean anything to people without children on the spectrum or if they don’t work with them) my other son is level 4 so more severe and his understanding is almost if a 3 yr old when it comes to behaviours his learning is at year 5 level or higher but his regulars every day understanding is of that of a pre-Kindy kid. We have social stories on safe spaces and his safe spaces, where he can touch himself, how he can only touch himself and that we don’t touch other people’s privates or rub our privates on them through or outside of our clothes. We have also got a protective behaviours program run in our schools in our town to protect our kids from predators in their own home. What this guy should be more concerned about is how this 6 yr old boy knew what dry humping was, where he saw it/learnt it/who has done it to him etc yes be concerned for your daughter but also be concerned for the little boy who is also vulnerable due to his diagnosis who probably has no understanding, who’s mum is probably doing her best to try and “normalise” him in every way possible but is not getting anywhere with a dick who has no tolerance for her child’s condition. My level 4 child is 9, my partner who is not his dad does his best to work with him and help me help him. It’s so freaking draining but my son is not biologically his but he’s doing his best to ensure that my child has a future and may even be able to totally main stream one day. Ignorant people who don’t understand Autism or what it does to children should probably not answer with “I’d be pissed weather your child has an understanding or not” because those people don’t have an understanding of “Autism” and the way these kids think or even the way they are. These kids aren’t bad kids they don’t have bad bones in their bodies. Yes you have the right to be concerned but being pissed at a curious kid who’s cognitive level is probably around the same age as the step daughters is not the way to go about it.
You've literally just assumed that I have no awareness of autism. Mind you, my son is on the spectrum so I do have a damn well clue thank you. You talk of wanting your son to be mainstream one day (which is a goal for most of us with children on the spectrum) and in my opinion, this includes not excusing behaviours because of their ASD.. otherwise it's just hypocritical wanting them to be mainstream.
I would always be pissed off if my child was acted upon in a sexual manner no matter what. It's being a protective mother.
Thankfully the mother has addressed it below how the child learnt such behaviour and her partner has been told to not come into the house which is a great response. Hopefully he can have such support as your sons are getting also.
I never suggest he be restricted to his room either.. you have literally made up this whole scenario in your head and become defensive for no apparent reason.
Please, don't just assume in future.
Different commenter, doesn’t matter how small the snippet or whether hes just starting to hate, new partner dislikes/resents child = has to go.
I personally think the OP isn't actually telling the full story. She's changed her story a bit from it being her step daughter and now she is saying it is her daughter. So I don't think any of us can really even have a fair say in the story
It’s says his step sister
I have spoken to bravehearts and parentsline. Both have said to speak to the specialist who we see for intervention. Both have said it needs to be addressed to my son about what is wrong and right with our bodies. I’m regards to the partner his become increasingly more aggressive to the point of him wanting my son kicked out of home. I’ve told him not to come around otherwise I will call the police to have him removed. I remember when my son was around 4/5 my partner would hump my leg and make it a joke and encouraged my son to do it. I did not find this ok at the time and I feel like this has contributed to what has happened. My daughter can’t talk as she is 2.5 years old. I am focusing now on getting the right information from the professionals, addressing the body talk with my son, not allowing baths or to be nude in front of anyone to teach privacy and then I will deal with my partner as I go. I am mostly stressed from what my partner has been doing and the way that his acted. He seems to think I’m not protecting my daughter. My child was fully clothed but my daughter was having nappy free time which won’t be happening anymore. Thanks for everyone’s wise words.
You sound like a strong woman who has her head screwed on and the best interests of both her children. With those intentions, you can’t go wrong. To hear that he is mimicking that dickheads behaviour, then he has the gaul to act like that, he knows it’s his fault, that’s why he’s so defensive. So glad you can see through the jerk. Good luck, you’re doing an exceptional job in difficult circumstances.
Just a comment on the nappy free time - put her in undies instead of getting rid of nappy free time, helps with toileting when it comes to it and still allows her out of the nappy. Good luck with your son and partner.
I'm confused, wasn't it your step-daughter not your daughter? So aren't you technically withholding her from her dad?
It’s my sons step sister they have different dads... I’m their mum....
that's called a half sister not a step sister. step sister would be no blood relation....
This is confusing.
It's likely not sexual. Unless he's been exposed to something he shouldn't have. Kids do feel good down there but he might have been doing it because it was fun not because he was trying to abuse his step sister. He just needs to be taught that's it's not ok and why. Ask your partner in private, when your kids at school or something, to show exactly how he found them. That would show alot of what's going on. It could just be a sensory thing. Babies/toddlers do it in the cot to help them go to sleep
Survivor of childhood sexual abuse here, get your son someone to talk to. I hope I’m completely wrong but from my experience kids act out when they’re being abused.
By how she commented above it seems that is the case. Makes me sick she stayed with a man like that
So he saw your partner do it and partner encouraged him... now partner is mad because he has done it elsewhere?
Your partner is a dick and needs to be gone
Sounds like you've worked it all out yourself very nicely good job mummy.