How do you approach a mum friend about their kid's hygiene?
Said friends son gave me a cuddle today after school, now he's 10, I also have a 10 year old so I know they are a bit stanky after school but this poor child's smell nearly made me gag. I felt awful but I physically had to recoil from the hug because the smell was so bad. Like, my hubby used to be a gardener, this child smelt worse than a grown man after he spent a day in the garden on a 40 degree day (and he smelt pretty bad đ - just to clarify, this is a little joke at my hubby's expense - not at the child I am referring to in my question.).
Also, upon looking at him. It was very clear he's not been bathed for quite some time, his scalp was black with dirt (quite easy to see in hos short light hair), ear wax almost leaking out his ears, knees and elbows caked with dried and fresh mud and his uniform could definitely done with a wash and I noticed he's had the same odd pair of socks on for days (I know, they do get dirty at school).
Now, mum has just had a new baby a few months ago so I know she is busy and just making it through the days are her main priority right now but this has been an ongoing issue for the last 18 months at least. Teachers have bought it up with her too, she's a single mum but has a lot of support (her mum and sisters share a lot of the parenting load) so I kind of feel there's no excuse for this.
I feel it needs to be addressed with her again, today was the worst I've seen (and smelt him), it's not fair on the poor kid. He must get picked on by other kids too because it wasn't unnoticeable, not by a mile...
How should I go about this?
**Edit to add**
Naturally, we have asked her if she needs help and since she's had her baby, we (her friends), her family and the kids dads have helped her quite a lot. She has Thursday evening til Sunday evening to herself as the kids either spend time with their grandparents or their dads families.
I am a busy mum of 3 myself, I work, study and maintain our house and am the main caregiver to our kids as hubby works long, strenous hours (leaves before the kids get up, home just before they get to bed), so I'm already at my limit of what i can cope with, so as much as I'd love to take on his clothes washing and bring him to my home for a shower - i just dont have the time or the ability to cope with that kind of commitment.
17 Replies
Honestly, she knows. Have the school raise it again. They have mandatory reporting if they're concerned about the child's wellbeing
If your friends with the mum then invite the kid over for a sleepover and give him a bath. Tell him he can't go to bed till he's clean. Even though it wouldn't happen often, at least you know you've done something to help.
Agree but dont force it. Offer it and ensure they all do a good job. Shouldnt be a big issue but will help him out. Unfortunately hygiene really comes from habit/practice but the odd deep wash and instructions will still help.
I would mention it in a very caring, discreet way , say 'oh I just wanted you to know Bobby was reallllly whiffy today, maybe need to have a chat with him about stepping up deodorant and hygiene as summer is coming?'
Can you offer to help her out with his washing? Maybe get him changed after school and you take it home to wash and he can get changed before school? Or have him for a sleepover to give her a break :)
You could also send him home with some deodorant and just say when he slept over he got a bit of pong
Thanks guys!
I met her as our kids a have been in the same class for 5 odd years now, however our kids aren't really friends (I have a girl - she has her son, obviously) so a suggestion for a sleepover would kind of come out of left field.
Also, I'm a busy mum of 3 myself, between juggling work, studying and my own family - I barely have time to fart let alone taking on another kids washing/cleaning etc - especially when my friend only has her kids Sunday night through to Thursday morning because they're off with their dads/grandparents/aunts etc. She has much more free time than I do! I think the whole family might be a bit lax in the hygeine department but still...
A lot of us have been down the tactful, caring route before but she kind of acts like it's not a big deal or has 100 excuses why she can't take 10 minutes out of her day to get her kid showered!
It's just really frustrating!
Maybe have a quiet word and ask if she needs help for God sakes ! You have no idea what she is dealing with and yes I am sure she does notice but maybe is unable to cope and comments like he is whiffs is disrespectful
I mean my child comes home full of mud every day after school and even if I saw another child like this i would not be making laughing emojis about it I'm appalled at your lack of compassion in the pretext of looking after said boy !
If your so concerned talk to her herself and dont say he is whiffy, that is rude ask her if she needs help or would like a spell for an hour or two what if it was you as a single mum and had to look at your boy every day go to school because for whatever reason maybe said help is not helping this is not concerning it's just plain rude you clearly have a lot of time to notice how bad a ml other and how much her kid stinks instead of actually asking without making a joke and making yourself look good because your coming across horrid
Jesus Christ, there's always one!
I posted this because i want to help the child, the laughing emoji was at how bad my husband smelt after a day at work - something we both used to joke about. I was just trying to get across that this poor kid smells beyond what would be considered normal.
Also, since she's had her baby. We (her friends) and her family/kids dads have bent over backwards to help her out and naturally we have asked her numerous times if there's more we can do to help her, and if you read my update you'd know she gets a 3 day break over the weekend!
I am a busy working/studying mum of three, my husband works hard full time long hours so I work, study, run the house, cook, clean and care for the kids on my own. So forgive me if I'm not entirely enthused at the idea of taking on another kids needs, especially seeing as his mum has a lot more help and support than I do!
I would never just up and say "hey little Tommy was whiffy today" but, again if you read my reply here you would know that we have kindly bought it up before, as have his teachers yet she doesn't see it as a big issue (where most parents would be mortified).
You might think I'm horrid, yet I assure you. My only intention is to help this kid get a pretty basic need met.
If she's getting time to herself for 3 days over the weekend then she has no excuses.
If grandparents and other family members are helping out then there are no excuses.
Maybe it's time to be blunt and say "hey look. I don't want to start an argument or upset you but you NEED to give "tommy" a bath. He's starting to get noticed at school and I'm concerned he's getting close to being bullied."
If she doesn't step up, time to call child services.
I'd be interested to know how well looked after the new baby is if he is being neglected.
Baby is the light of her life, she takes quite a Lot of pride in making sure bub is always bathed daily, has a cute clean outfit on, changes nappies regularly etc, though I don't know how she is behind closed doors I suppose - I hate to say it but she is on the lazy side (she was thrilled when she found out she was pregnant because it meant she could stay on Centrelink for 8 more years).
I'm think blunt may need to be the way to go, the situation hasn't improved enough to be acceptable - he's not been that bad since but still evident he's not bathed regularly enough.
Thank you!
So if he hasn't been bathed for some time are the people looking after him half the week (fathers,grandparents,aunts) not showering or cleaning this child either? Your story and follow up comments contradict themselves and you do just sound horrible.
I'm horrible for caring that he's not getting his needs met, horrible for asking a way to address this with his mum? If I was that horrible I'd turn a blind eye!
I don't know how you saw a contradiction, he's with his mum for that majority of the week, with others for the weekend. I don't know if they bathe him or not, all I do know is when he's in his mum's care his hygiene is not at an acceptable level, the other day was as bad as I have seen him and I was concerned.
Thanks for all your "help" though đ
I am a single mum my child has never smelt bad or looked like he hadn't showered in 12 months this and even if the kid had a disability there is no excuse simply put it sounds like neglect and mum just does not care
2 options given you've tried the nice and supportive way. 1. Recommend the school reports the neglect. You can then support and encourage if there is an investigation and it's not comming from you. Or 2. You can say I'm really worried. We really like him we're want to help but he really smells and that not good for him and his future and friendships or for you in the end because you are a busy mum and I imagine the last thing you want and need is the government investigating your family. What's in the way of him being clean with fresh clothes? We all know it's hard, I'm not judging you but for his sake and your sake we need to make a plan and stick to it. If she's angry, empathise but say it's not fair on him. If that fails, talk to him directly about it and offer your place to wash and get back on track. If all else fails, you need to make the notification yourself. Good luck and good on you for caring and intervening. He needs some love too.
Talk to the kid? His mum isnât stepping up and he is 10 not 5 so understands. Simple thing like, âdonât forget to shower, my grandad always said we can tell how successful a person is by how clean they areâ. We say it to our own kids, say it too him as well. I grew up in a similar situation, my mum died and my dad was way too lax. The kids at school teasing me was how I learnt. If only other parents and adults stopped pitying me and told me I would have probably worn a bra instead of getting teased by the boys. A simple âyou need to tell your dad to buy you a bra sweetyâ would have gone along way. My nick name wouldnât have been stinky..... I learnt the hard way, talk to the kid. Iâd say to this kid âmake sure you shower every day, if you donât you will stink and some people donât like thatâ. Good on you for reaching out about this.
This is neglect by all the adults in the childâs life. Why is no one ensuring he showers on the days he is with dad or grandparents? Puberty will be hitting soon so the smell is going to get worse. I occasionally make my 11 year old shower morning and night because he sweats so much. He usually only showers at night (and sometimes wouldnât if I didnât remind him), but sometimes he sweats so much he absolutely reeks by morning so showers again so he doesnât go to school smelling. That poor child would most likely be getting bullied at school because of the way he smells. You need to brutally honest with the mother and tell her that she needs to ensure he showers/baths every day and has clean clothes, or you need to report her to child safety, or you need to speak to the school about them reporting it.
Chat to the teacher first. Some kids look messy because they are so active no matter what. But who knows. Sounds like there is a bit going on in this kind situation. Discretely talk to the teacher about it. Surely she must have picked up on it too if it's that bad.