My 12 year old son is utterly refusing to go to school. He’s in grade 6, and has refused to go to school for the last two weeks. I have to go to work, so I can’t stay home all day to make him go, and even if I were home, I can’t physically do it. I can’t drag him into the car and take him there and drag him out and up the path into the school.
He’s not being bullied. He’s a little behind in lessons and has been for three years. He’s all about showing off and image and is telling all his mates he’s not going to high school next year. We’re rural and he will have to get on the bus like his big brother. I’m sure he’s going to get off the bus and truant by spending the day in town.
What the heck do I do?
Son’s school refusal
Son’s school refusal
Posted in:
Health & Wellbeing, Education, Behaviour, Kids
22 Replies
Yes you can drag his arse to school! He is 12, a child ffs and HE is making the rules? If you don’t stand your ground now and make him get an education the he will have very little hope of a good future. Not sure what decent job you can get with a year 6 pass at best
My son is 10, I can just physically lift him if need be but I won't be able to much longer. Also, the 12 year old grade six boys at my kids school are huge, they may still have the minds of children but physically some are the size of grown men. Enlighten me, how exactly do you force someone who could easily physically over power you, to do something they are vehemently against?
OP, you need to get to the bottom of why he doesn't want to go. This isn't a simple issue that "force" will fix.
Actually NO I can’t. He’s as big as me and stronger and I cannot physically do it. That’s why I’m asking for other ways.
Yes I know his future is at stake, that’s why I’m asking for help
Obviously never dealt with this before! You can't physically make them go. You can't pick them up and carry them to the car then carry them to class. Done it all with my ASD 16 year old, took everything away from him, grounded him nothing worked. The only thing that worked was changing schools.
Are you serious, do you know how big some 12 year old boys are?! Half of them would be taller than me at my daughters school and I'm 5ft 6
My husband was almost 6 foot in grade 6 and over 90kgs. If our sons are the same id dread the day I'd be expected to drag them out the door 😂😵
Work 2nd, child first. Get your priorities in order. He needs your attention and that of his significant male role model. Get a counselling service like head space on board.
In an ideal world yes. My kids need to eat and I need to pay the rent
In an ideal world yes. My kids need to eat and I need to pay the rent
Did you come here to make excuses or Actually deal with the problem. You’ve got a 12 year who you think is difficult now. Trust me it’s going to be a whole lot more difficult next year and every one after if you don’t stop making excuses
And it sounds way more like ODD than ADHD. Speak to a qualified and experienced psychologist about how to deal with this but in short it’s simple - no negotiation.
Yep, I’d be telling him I’m getting my crazy on and that if he doesn’t get his arse into gear and start going to school, I’m going to physically drag him kicking and screaming... and make him believe it.
Plenty of things in life we don’t enjoy doing but have to do it anyway. No excuse. Yes he can have mental health days, but he can’t be dropping out of school all together in year 6. No friggin way.
I’d certainly have the “I don’t care you’re going mentality” since you’ve ruled out any bullying ect. Maybe just chat to him again to double check, ask him if things would be better if he changed schools. Make sure he is definitely just refusing because he is lazy and thinks he is entitled to make the decision, then get your crazy on.
We can’t change schools it’s the only one around for miles
Ok, I'm going to give you some actual helpful suggestions aside from brute force and screaming your head off (like that's going to improve the situation 🙄).
1. Speak with his teacher if you haven't already.
2. Speak with the school (high scjool he'll attend next year i mean, his current school probably cant do much at this point)counsellor/social worker and see what they can do to assist you. Also, taking the first few weeks of term 1 off may be wise if you can.
3. Set a goal to just finish up term, bribe him if you have to. Just aim to finish off primary school.
4. Look into some tutoring, being behind may be causing him way more anxiety and stress than you realise, his way of dealing with that may be avoidance.
5. Consider if there may be any undiagnosed behavioural issues that may have gone unnoticed, my younger brothers ADHD went unnoticed until he hit puberty (around the same age as your son), it manifested in defiance, a sense of entitlement and a real problem with authority. Once diagnosed and treated things started looking up!
6. Consider if it's mental health related.
All the best with it hun, this is a really hard age for boys
Thank you! I shall try all these things and ask for some time off around school return.
How does one go about seeking a possible diagnosis? That sounds exactly like my boy, he’s defiant, thinks he deserves everything that no one else is getting and doesn’t obey at all.
Voice your concerns with your GP, they'll be able to get the ball rolling. I'd say a referral to a pediatrician and child phsych would be the first on the agenda.
All the best x
At least someone was able to provide actual helpful advice. How refreshing!
He can stay home but you can control other things. Like pocket money, entertainment and clothing. He only gets the bare basic clothing and food. No treats, toys, Phone etc
Speak to the school, police and state education department and a psychologist for advice.
Just a thought, could you take away his phone/tablet/any device, turn of internet and take the television cable to work with you? Make being at home as boring as possible for him.
Remove any sort of pleasure. Remove his bike/scooter and don't play taxi with him. No out of school social life until he decides to go back to school.
This is the only thing I can think of. Good luck.
He is probably shitting himself about high school. Being the 'King Pin' of primary school might be a little hard for him to go and be among the smallest of high school. Is big brother telling him stories or told him what is going to happen to him in high school? My stepson did this to my other stepson, told him that he had arranged for him to get his head flushed, told the school bullys girlfriend that his little bro had a crush on her and showed her a photo. Told him he needs to learn to fight because its an everyday thing. So we had trouble trying to get him to school but once he got over that first week he was fine. There were no head flushings or beatings it was just his brother being a shit head. Take things away, turn wifi off and tell him he gets it all back once school starts and he attends. Is there a male you can borrow for that first week of school? Dad, pop, uncle? Just for getting him there every morning to start with as this will be the hardest part. Let school know about it at the start of next year so maybe he can get into see the school counselor who should try and get him involved in some school activities that he likes to keep him engaged and wanting to go to school. Good luck.
Agree to turning off internet. If my kid thought they were boss and could stay at home I would pack up the internet, tvs, games, everything.
I would have a conversation with them about the right way to do things. Ie) youre having troubles with something, talk to me and we can find a solution. Talk to your friends mum/brothers, your teacher, chappie at school, auntie, etc and find a plan. Come to me with a problem or a solution or an idea and I'm here to listen.
Wag school for fun, put yourself in danger, leave yourself without an education long term, then thats not ok and will be disciplined.
Tell him he'll be repeating grade 6 then. If ge wants to act like a child, keep him in primary school