I’m so stuck, lost and confused at the moment. Any advise is appreciated.
Ive been with my partner for almost 10 years now, we have 3 kids together.
Sorry guys it’s a long one,
Financially
We run a small family business where he mainly labour’s and I admin, he had this business prior to myself and has been great since day one with supporting myself and his children financially. Over the years I have invested a lot of time into the business as he has made it clear that I’m needed in the office and can’t get a job for myself. Although he helps financially he also spends like there’s no tomorrow and we are well over our heads in debt, and for nothing for our family - like a home, it’s all debt for HIS (his made it clear it’s his business) business wants (not needs).
Sexually
He has a great sex drive, I don’t so much however I usually satisfy his needs. I feel as though I’m only touched when his keen and this has contributed to me not having much of a sex drive. The last 2 days he has barely spoken to me let alone touched me and now all of a sudden his all over me because his keen. When I politely decline i get told I’m an old grandma and it makes me feel awful about it....
2 days not talking
This was because of Christmas Day, my children and I wanted to see my family and he didn’t, he wanted to keep us all at home, he says “I just want my little family at home enjoying life with no one around” this would be ok if he didn’t try to keep us at home every other weekend. He literally wants to stay at home and be alone with us and again, I’m all up for that, but not when it starts to feel like his pulling me and the kids away from the world and my family. He refused to come see my family so I took the kids and I was a horrible person for leaving him alone on Christmas for a couple hours even though I asked him several times before leaving to come with us explaining it was something that his whole little family wanted to do. The kids absolutely loved it, they had such a blast and because the kids and I went to see my family (extended) he then refused to allow my mother and siblings around in the arvo for presents even though that was what was discussed days before. My kids were so devastated and so were my nieces and nephew and my family who now know they aren’t welcomed to our home. I honestly get anxious just thinking of inviting someone over. We still have all the present under the tree because no ones allowed over to open all together.
Fathering
he can be a great dad however can also be horrible, my daughter is currently on her 3rd week of coughing and he tells her off all the time to stop coughing, she gets so upset because she can’t help it but he tells her she is full of crap and can stop it. The kids love sleepovers and that’s an issue with him, not when it suits him though. He tends to be quiet selfish by only participating in family activities that he wants to do, which is really only home, eating out, or bush. Mind you these things can be fun, but what about the other stuff myself and the kids want to do?.. he doesn’t come to end of year concerts, birthday partys, or anything. He can act quiet selfish and when the kids reflect his behaviour he basically rips their heads off, they only learnt it from him 😩
Myself
I feel like I don’t know who I am anymore, I feel like I can’t get excited about anything any more, I’m up and down in the relationship depending on how he is really. One mintue his great the next absolutely nasty and I just want to run. I don’t want my mental state to be so confused and I don’t want to keep confusing him either, which is why I think we should end things. I just want us to both be happy for the kids and I don’t see that I can with the stuff that goes on around here, I don’t want our bad relationship affecting the poor kids, it’s not normal and I definitely don’t want them to think so.
He takes no responsibility for anything, he broke our family car once, I asked really nicely for an apology and I got told (instead) that he wanted to talk to later on about my attitude.? He can’t handle being wrong and definitely cannot apologise, I don’t think he has really ever genuinely apologised for anything. his family have been quiet hard to deal with too, I confronted a member about using and abusing him with work and I was abused badly, even other members of his family were shocked and he didn’t give one crap. If anything he egged this member on with previous msgs telling how crazy I am... I have to admit I can go crazy at times and this is were my mental state is affected by him, I feel his that self centred and selfish he won’t reason with me, or listen or admit when his in the wrong which leads to me breaking down (acting crazy, crying and begging him to just listen).
There is soo much more I could write down however what I have written is the most recent events of our life which basically reflects on the entire relationship, we are stuck on the same round a bout of crap. we met young and I fell pregnant almost straight away.
I’ve asked him about our relationship and he is ok, but I just get the impression his comfortable because he has a women looking after his kids, cleaning his home and satisfying his sexual needs, he has said to me before that he is comfortable.
I can tell the kids are affected by it all, and are constantly asking me why dad is like this, or that. What do I do... 😭😭😭
7 Replies
I would of left years ago, you have a dictator. Not a husband.
I didn’t even read your whole post. But he sounds like a controlling minipulating peice. I would walk away because things will never change, he doesn’t think there is a problem with his attitude and he never will..
This behaviour would make one crazy! You already know this isn’t right and you deserve better. You start an exit plan, saving money, minimising things that stop you from taking action ect. You can do what you set your mind to, you have a lot of your value and self belief tied into his opinions of you from the sounds of it! You only have 2 choices, accept this as your reality or change it.
I think now you have realised he is controlling, it’s time to really assess the situation. Are you okay with this? If not how far are you prepared to go sorting it out? Are you prepared to be a single Mum? If you are prepared to really challenge it all and potentially leave. You need to get your ducks in a row. Get an account that has money in it just for you, give your self and allowance and save it. Have a plan of it all blows up. Now I am pro working on marriages, if you can’t talk to him write him a letter, don’t say anything you don’t mean or won’t commit to. Give him a chance to recognise his actions and there effects and then he has to decide to lean in and work on things or do nothing which then leaves you to make big decisions. Then get a lawyer to see what you are in the hook for and or if you are entitled to anything .
Good luck it sounds hard, but never give up your family without good reason, and don’t let him isolate you further you need those people to hold you up
I know this situation, I came up with an ultimatum counciling or I leave! He refused so I packed all our things and waited until he was home and sent the kids to his parents for a sleep over, as I felt like then I wasn’t threatening him, then I made I list of all the thing I was upset with but also all the things I loved about him, I read it all and asked him if he thought it was worth working on it, he did, I had to own up to the fact that he was this way when we married and I knew that, and he had to realise he had to change and you know what we both changed and spent one weekend a month with the kids away for 6 months and worked on us, doing fun things and spending time talking and setting goals, and we made a agreement that if I thought he was being unreasonable we would text each other so the kids wouldn’t hear that we’re saying, and actually after 9 months we are totally different, he admitted he was depressed and was trying to control us as it was the only throng he had he loved, all the best be safe make plan if it doesn’t go well, but also try if you want to as well.
I would definitely leave. You only get one life and this doesn’t sound like a good one. Your kids don’t need to grow up with this example either.
You are in a relationship with a narcissistic, emotional and financial abuser and master manipulator and he is gaslighting which is why you feel like you are confused.
He will continue to abuse and manipulate you.
Reading this all I thought was, my ex husband did that, yep acted that way too. I was with him for 14 years and decided to leave 2 years ago. It is not easy, he still tried to manipulate me but I knew there was no going back.
Take the presents and tell him you are going over to your parents/siblings. He has been isolating you from any support so it makes you feel more alone and helpless and then you think you only have him for support - but you don't!
You have to decide if you will actually leave or not.
If you do decide to leave, then before you tell him it's over, go and speak to your parents, siblings and friends. They probably already see what he's like but open up to them about how it is at home and tell them you are getting organised to leave, they will support you.
Since you have access to the business finances, photocopy everything important, including his super info and bank statements and ask someone you trust 100% to keep them safe.
Go to centrelink, ask to speak to a social worker and tell them everything, you are leaving and need to set up single parenting payments, you ex is abusive emotionally. (I went and did this and the social worker pushed through my claim), they can also help with emergency funding for those leaving abusive relationships and offer additional support or point you in the right direction.
It's time for you to speak up about the abuse, set you and your kids up for a life filled with happiness, fun and less negative energy and situations.
For me, the past 2 years has not been easy, BUT I am free, my kids are in a happy, loving home. My son has sleepovers and does after school activities and myself and my kids do so much more together now.
I have taken 2 years to heal from years of abuse, and I'm still working on it, however, I am growing and flourishing rather than shrinking and hiding like I use to.
Good Luck Mumma xx