*Sorry, didn't mean to wrote a novel! If you get through and comment, thank you xo
Before I start, my daughter is amazing!! I love her beyond words and would do anything for her. But f%$k me she is hard work!!
She is the eldest of my 3 girls (lord help me!) and is my people pleasing rule follower, the middle is easy going, but cheeky and sneaky and the youngest is a mix of the best and worst of both (I'm sure I'll be writing in about her in a few years, lol). All three are very strong willed, hard headed, determined, resilient kids who I am extremely proud of. We are trying to guide them to become decent humans without crushing their spirits but at the moment I'm done with their crap, especially the biggest, and just don't know what to do anymore. I would never give up and walk away, but I can see why some do. I hate living this way!
I know hormones have a lot to do with it, but she has always been a volcano that explodes without warning when the wrong buttons are pushed. She tries to parent her sisters and is bossy and dominating, but can also be the complete opposite, then gets upset when people don't do things the way she would do them had she been in control. This is a battle she faces at school. She has a list of letters after her name different peads and psychs have given her over the years which we are mindful of and work on. They are a reason she behaves the way she does, but we do not allow that to become an excuse for her poor choices. She only behaves this way at home as we are her safe space. She holds it together at school, with friends and family, but it is exhausting so when she is home she is done and lets seemingly small stuff become huge. It is like she doesn't know how to find the middle ground without taking personal offence and is always missing social cues which lead to disaster. After she has calmed she is so remorseful it is heartbreaking. I know many kids are like this, but her reactions are extreme. We can have several massive meltdowns a day!! Especially if she is overstimulated or in sensory overload.
It doesn't help that her sisters seem to enjoy pissing her off for the sole purpose of pissing her off, then they get upset when their goal is reached and she is yelling at them (my biggest struggle!!!). They don't always do that and there are times when they play together so beautifully it makes me want to cry, but even those times are spoilt in seconds when one of the younger ones inadvertently push the bitch switch.
We are all sick of walking on eggs shells and awaiting the next tsunami of screaming and yelling. I'm on edge all the time and am frightened of saying something I will regret in the heat of the moment. I'm turning into the grumpy yelly mum I never wanted to be. We have always had a good routine which she thrives on and although they all test them, the boundaries don't move. We celebrate her "letters" as a gift as although they give her challenges, they also make her the amazing kid she is. We let her know that one day she will be able to control it, but she is still learning so can't expect to be perfect. We constantly fill all their buckets with love and compliments as well as acknowledging that none of us are perfect and failing is ok. We will always love each other no matter what. We say sorry and mean it. We do forgiveness and understanding. We limit screens and have proper family time daily.
I don't even know what I'm asking....maybe I just need to know it gets better. She isn't even a teenager yet so I'm petrified of what she will be like then. I miss the close bond we had when she was little. I know it changes as they grow and not need us as much, but I feel like I am losing her. She is becoming more closed off and I worry about how she sees herself and how to navigate her through this time with her confidence and self love intact. I know we are not alone and that this parenting gig is tough. I know it could be worse. I know that some of this is kids being kids etc. I know that this too shall pass, but none of that helps me now.
What can we do to help her? What can I do to help me and my hubby support them all and ourselves better? Please tell me there is light at the end of the tunnel!!!
16 Replies
She has a bunch of letters after her name but yours not letting it be used as an excuse for her behaviour?? What are you doing to the poor girl? Oh you have ADHD they’re known for their explosions and attitudes. Are you doing anything to help her or calm her rage. Is she on meds? If she’s having them for school after school she’d be coming off of them and going through a withdrawals you know like some sort of addict. Except not quite as bad. Does she have a calming space. Is she given space by you and her sisters and time to calm down. My daughter is 5 has ADHD and mild autism. Although I don’t let her get away with her outbursts I undestabd she cannot control them. Just like her brothers can not control their melt downs they are ASD. However I do my best to ensure they have space away from each other and if one needs space then they get it. I don’t think you really understand your daughters letters/diagnosis really. It’s not like it’s something they can control. They don’t just choose to explains in to a crazy melt down where they can’t control what’s going on. You need to put steps in place that assist her in not going full melt down. You are her support person. Her mum, her sisters need to learn to back off and give her space too. There may also be more go On. Autism in girls is much harder to diagnose and to me it sounds as if she has Autism. She may need therapies, a psychiatrist/psychologist/counseller. Medication etc her hormones are raging too. I know how hard it is. But you can’t just give up. Take her to her paediatrician and see if there’s something they can do to help. Her letters could provide an answer instead of ignoring them or discounting them as being the cause you may need to look and see what they’re all about,
Thank you....I understand what you're are saying and can assure you we are not ignoring her diagnosis and have many strategies in place. She has her own room the others do not go in unless invited (the other two don't care who is in their rooms even when they aren't in there and she often plays in their rooms with them) as well as several spaces outside to go to get some alone time. Her boundaries are respected, but she usually loses it without warning when they are playing or just hanging out.
The other day they had a game where they were a family of cats. She wanted one sister to sit and stay guard, not moving for 5 minutes or more while the other two played. Understandably the one left out got bored and decided to leave the room to get a drink. She crack it big time, threw the other sister out and slammed the door because the game was apparently ruined. I explained how her sister felt and that she wasn't doing anything anyway so what did it matter that she got a drink. After she calmed she agreed what she did was wrong, but in the moment she couldn't see it.
A few weeks ago a friends younger child was here and I gave the kids a bowl of grapes each. The other child thought he would be funny and steal one of hers (they have a great bond). She laughed so he tried to be sneaky and do it again. She laughed again then did it to him. Then the other two stole one from each other and soon they were all taking a grape from one anothers bowl and eating them, all laughing. Suddenly she starts yelling because she only had 3 grapes left. She had eaten more than she had originally and I had a whole bag in the fridge which they all knew about and were told previously that they could have more. The youngest two ended up in tears and she stormed off in a rage.
We know that her diagnosis (ASD, SPD, CAPD, dyslexia, IADHD) are the reason and the why (I say that, but maybe not as clearly as I meant to) and we have had 6 years of appointments and therapies to help her. When I say we don't allow them to be excuses, what I mean is we hold her accountable for her actions and she needs to apologise for her behaviour. I don't want her to be enabled to think that her diagnosis gives her the right to be a horrible person. She knows right from wrong, but in the heat of the moment only sees it her way. I said I don't expect her to be perfect as she is still learning, she knows this too. But I do expect her, once she is calm, to think about what happened, replay it with me and find a better way to handle the situation next time.
We are all very understanding and supportive, as are the rest of our family and her school. She has amazing support systems, strategies and figet toys etc in place and they do work, but at the moment it is next level and none of that is working.
We have attended numerous seminars, parenting courses, books and I have done hours and hours of my own research to where my friends come and ask me for advice and I have offered strategies to her therapists that they haven't heard of that worked. I am fully aware of what each of her conditions entail and the comorbidity between them.
She is not medicated as they haven't worked (trialled 3 at differing doses) and made it worse. She felt sick and numb, minimal outbursts, but no joy either. She hates them and wants to learn how to deal with her struggles herself as she doesn't want to feel nothing (said she felt like a b&w rainbow) and wants to learn how to control her outbursts herself. She knows it will be harder, but believes she can get there, as do we.
She gets time out from her sisters with sleep overs at friends/grandparents and alone time with each of us parents regularly, even if just to go to the shop for takeaway. We have alone time at home with one parent taking the other 2 out for the day and always try to have one day at home as a family each week where we disengage from all electronics for the day. Her diet is healthy and balanced with little artificial/preservative ingredients with most of our food organic, home grown and home made.
I could have added that above, but already wrote a novel and know that long posts don't get many responses as people don't have time to read them.
So, after all that here I am at a loss as to what to do next......
If you’ve done all that, not sure if anyone on here will be able to assist you?
Yup....I know, but it's nice to be supported and surrounded by mums going through the same stuff.
Strength in numbers!! 💖
I was your daughter. My poor mum copped the brunt of it, and this was in the era before HF diagnosis were a thing. I was finally diagnosed as an adult.
My son is on the severe end of the spectrum.
I did get better, my mum and I are extremely close.
For me, to get through it, was lots and lots of contrived personal space. Even though I had my own room, I didn’t always know when I needed to take myself off to my safe space, so my parents needed to find ways to separate us without looking like that was what was happening. I also found having an after school hobby that I LOVED and finding a sport/exercise that didn’t rely on social aspects incredibly important, in burning off steam.
Just to ad something’s will just resolve on there own. Yes she has diagnosis but she will still mature and she is unlikely to stay in this phase forever. Yes it’s hard work but it takes time.
Thank you!!!
I gave my poor mum a hard time too and my hubby was way worse!!!
Mum said she didn't feel the same pressures that us mums today have to face and I'm sure that doesn't help things.
She really is an awesome kid!!!
We have a safe word to call out if a game starts to get out of control. Like when you tickle kids and they say stop it, but really want more. If they call that word out the game stops straight away. If I see things starting to escalate I call it out which helps, but sometimes it happens too quick.
Think I am just in for a bumpy ride with this one.....have already told her I can't wait for when she calls me to complain about her kids while I'm on a cruise somewhere sipping cocktails. My mum says being a nana is way less stressful and way more fun, lol.
I just want to say you are one amazing family including mum and dad! Take a bow! I read the post and your additional information and think you are doing a fantastic job. I have a friend who's eldest daughter has (what we called then) Aspergers. Similar family life growing up to yours without medication (there was none appropriate back then anyway)... Hold on... she and her family made it and she is an amazing adult now with a tertiary education and a career job perfect for her. You can do it mumma :)
I didn’t think kids with autism were medicated? I thought it was just adhd, odd etc.
Some are. Just depends on symptoms
Thank you!!! I really needed to hear that!!
I know we are doing a good job but it is so hard right now!
We were mucking around today and I told her she was a rotten turd and she said "yeah, but you love me and are stuck with me so sucks to be you" and laughed.
I am sure everything will turn out ok, but it is getting there in one piece that has me worried at the moment. There is so much sadness in the world now it would be easy for her to lose faith in herself.
Buckled in for the ride for now though xo
Can I suggest that maybe the therapy you’ve done hasn’t been very helpful at dealing with her current behaviour. Seek advice from a reputable behavioural psychologist and don’t just send her, this should be about parent training as well.
Thank you....we have seen several different peads, psychs, councillors etc, publicly and privately. Have tried matching her with people she clicks with, soft ones, hard ones and we have attended with her, without her and her alone.
I honestly think it is hormonal on top of the rest now and I know it will get better but still worry as the rates of kids with mental health problems is skyrocketing and I'd hate for her to end up a statistic
Are you eligible for NDIS? Could you maybe get some respite for the family, say a day a fortnight?
Sounds like me as a kid - oldest of 3, rule follower, controlling, trying to be the parent of my sisters, struggled to "fit in" and read social cues, experiencing sensory overload etc.
I have a lot of insight into this now, I have only a diagnosis of anxiety however I suspect I'm HF ASD.
I know my outbursts are usually due to overload/overwhelm. I struggle immensely being social all the time, and find if I'm "peopled out" or very tired (sleep deprived) I will snap suddenly, usually over seemingly small things, which are usually the straw that breaks the camel's back. I find I need time out from everything, to be alone and do something that recharges my batteries. I am a bookworm so I find that reading helps, especially if I can tune out to the world and not be interrupted. Your daughter might have a similar need, her "thing" might be reading, drawing, listening to music etc. Maybe help her recognise when she needs to take herself away and have that time, and maybe once she learns when that is and can verbalise it and you can help her by letting her have that time and privacy.
My husband also watches for these signs in me, and takes over whatever I'm doing and tells me to take a break - normally to stop me having a breakdown and yelling at our daughter. I struggled with this at first because I like to control stuff, but I listen to him and let him help. Maybe you can agree that if you see her escalating you can help her by telling her to take a break.
Good luck. It's hard work. I'm sure you will get there.
I’m exactly like that as well ❤️