I apologise for the length in advance but backstory is needed;
My ex and I have 1 child together.
During our relationship he continuously lied and then lied to cover up the lies, even lying to his family/friends/my family for them to corroborate his story. Some are unforgiving others have excused it as ‘little white lies’. There was a lot of concerns about his drug/alcohol use and the people he was hanging around at the time, concerns raised about crime (theft) and his mental state (constantly threatening suicide, picking fights then not remembering doing so)
I left before our child was born because I lost all trust and faith in this person.
Our child was born, he ignored the fact for close to 2yrs. Then one day wanted to be a Dad. I tried for the sake of our child to co-parent happily and I was a very ‘yes person’ incredibly flexible and lenient with visitation (me being present at visits, slowly introducing overnight visits when I thought it was suitable) etc until he started making excuses and lying again, disappearing for weeks, not responding to contact attempts. He then got a partner who he cheated on, assaulted and also lies continuously to and I cut contact to once a week due to their family situation and how unstable it is (constantly breaking up, DV. His partner has told me all of this). I didn’t cut them off because our child deserves the right to see dad and have a relationship with the family on that side.
Our situation is getting nasty and I am constantly being threatened with legal action, parenting plans, consent orders, having facs called etc constantly being told ‘My lawyer has advised that if you don’t...’ and ‘My lawyer has stated under this Family Law Act that you HAVE to....’ etc
I got a lawyer and we went to mediation where again the ex lied because he never actually had ANY legal representation. We eventually came up with a parenting plan which he has refused to sign. Again, he is lying saying he has signed it and returned it to the solicitor by the stipulated deadline, but he hasn’t as I have been in contact with my solicitor regularly. This is now not just affecting me but our child aswell.
I can’t afford to keep paying for a solicitor as this is financially draining and I am the only one to support our child. Is there anyway I can stop the bullshit and work in our child’s best interest, so that there can still be a relationship between child and dad without all the lies and manipulation affecting it?
Dad has already told me that he will be ‘telling’ our child how I wouldn’t let them attend significant family events as they grow up / tried to sabotage their relationship and alienate him so I want to stop all of that before it starts..but how? Without being made to look like a moll. Any success stories with co-parenting or turning a hard situation around for the better?
4 Replies
Narcissist! There is some great articles on co parenting with a narcissist, which is exactly what you are doing.
Get some counselling support for yourself and your child. Stop doing mediation, it’s not going to change anything and it’s a waste of money with his behaviour. Limit your exposure even if it means blocking his number except for 15 minutes per day to allow contact with his child. Do not engage with him at all.
I know it seems hard, I’ve walked this path but you will be better off and so will your child
AGREE! Listen to this person. Do not engage with the pathologically lying Narcissist. It's head wreaking. The child is FAR better off with no father than a narcissistic one.
I'm honestly really jealous of those mums & dads out there who can co-parent. Unfortunately, its not possible for me & it doesn't sound like a possibility for you either. Our situations are different but there are significant similarities. The only access my ex has with our child is through supervised visits at a contact centre because of serious mental health issues. You have significant concerns so this might be an option. It is then up to him to make the visits happen & everything is documented for if/when its taken to court. Limit communication to email & set a time once or twice a week where you unblock his number so he can call & speak to your child. But the onus is then on him to actually call. Document EVERYTHING. See if you are able to access Legal Aid. Remember, HE is creating this situation you're in with his lies & threats. Mums guilt is really powerful but you have to be objective & look at what's really best for your child.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Disengage!!! He is obviously mental and a pathological liar. Contact Centre supervised visits only.