Life was a bit of a mess growing up. When I was 18 I met someone that really shouldn't have been for me. I fell pregnant only 2 months into the relationship. After having our daughter I was an emotional wreck. I was an alcoholic and abusive to my partner. We split up and he kept her. I walked away, being 20 and naive, thinking this was the right thing to do. Things were pretty messy all round. Docs took her for a few weeks when she was 2. Since then I didn't have much contact with her father after that. Then in 2016, ironically 1 week after miscarrying twins, my daughters step mum contacts me asking me questions that my 10yr daughter had. That was fine. It was nice to have some sort of potential contact. She said to me then that maybe we could work towards her coming to meet me etc.
Over the next 2 years, I have been making and buying gifts for her and asking step mum for pics, but there was always an excuse why she couldnt send me any. Fast forward to the other week. I ask her if I can start getting to know my daughter. She replies that she doesnt want to know or talk to me and that she doesnt understand why I kept my boys (both born after her) and not her. But step mum would gladly keep taking gifts off me knowing that my daughter doesnt want anything to do with me. Or so she says.
I've been too scared of my ex to approach him because of how awful I was. The only contact I have is with his wife. My daughter is almost 14. Shes run away and friends have overheard the stepmum bad mouth her and complain about how bad things are. But what can I do?
The point is.... I've made this heartbreak bed. But i dont know how to lie in it. I've lay in it for the last 13 years and it hasnt gotten any easier.
How do you fix your own heartbreak
How do you fix your own heartbreak
Posted in:
Parenthood Guilt
2 Replies
You need to take things really slowly and start communicating with your ex.
You went through a bad time and have come out a better person, you can apologise if you feel you need to or just explain that you’ve come to realise that you want to start getting to know your daughter if she would like to. But the key thing is here IF she would like to.
She’s at a pivotal moment in her life, being a teenager, rebelling and you coming into her life can either be a great thing or a shit timing thing. Worth a shot.
You write your daughter a letter telling her you are sorry and one day if she feels like meeting you and getting to know you, you would love to also get to know her. You are a stranger to her and she is at a really sensative age. Give her the option without pressure.
As for step mum "bad mouthing her" is it possible step mum is not bad mouthing her but venting about the girls behaviour as any mother would when their child is going througha difficult stage, Looking for support and guidance from other parents?
If step mum reached out to you in the first place, then she must care for the girl's wellbeing.