Seriously, what am I doing wrong in this whole parenting thing? My oldest (11) has told me she feels unimportant to everyone, worthless and hates herself (yes she is receiving professional support as well as counselling through school). My 8 and 6 year olds have had toileting accidents every day at school (soiled) which has been an ongoing issue for a couple of years and despite numerous Dr's and tests have zero medical reason for it- 6 year old doesn't even try to use the toilet at home. My 4 year old is in the process of being tested for behaviour issues. I'm seriously at a loss. They are amazing kids, they are polite, respectful, intelligent, happy. But the issues just seem to be piling up and I don't know what else I can do, I feel like I've tried it all. Right now I feel beyond broken, I know their school thinks I am a crap mum (for reasons mentioned above and also other reasons). I feel like even my friends judge me sometimes. I'm not perfect, I do miss the mark sometimes. But god I'm trying my best. It just doesn't seem to be enough. I want my kids to be happy. I want the best for them. Where am I going wrong?
Edit to add: no they aren't nor ever have been abused. They have had blood tests, X-ray's, scans, samples and psychological tests, seen numerous Dr's, pediatricians and specialists, psychologists and nothing out of the ordinary. Believe me when I say we have done EVERYTHING to find a reason and solution.
25 Replies
You're judging yourself too much and being hard on yourself. No parent has their shit together and deep down, inside we are crapping our pants feeling like a failure.
Could your children be sexually abused?
I too had this niggling thought.
Okay so the 8 and 6 year old may have some actual issues here... but the 11 year old... are they feeling left out because all the focus has been on the younger two? Or is she missing out somehow? If so, that’s okay, it’s just being aware and explaining things in a way she can understand. Maybe taking some time out for her to do something together. I know, having a few kids myself, that it’s hard spreading yourself between all your children especially if some are having a harder time then the others. I think the main thing is being aware andnputting in more effort where you can.
I find it odd that the both of them soil.. was it a case of one did and got all this attention so thr other started doing the same for attention? I’d be getting a second opinion though and getting more tests done for them.
I think you’re being pretty hard on yourself. I can tell you try your best and at the end of the day, that’s all you can do. And that’s all it takes to be a great mother.
Have you tried a child psychologist for the 8 and 6 year olds?
Whats the situation with their father?
What are people judging you for?
Are they trying to give you some helpful feedback?
Not sure what you mean about their father? We are happily together and they have a good relationship with him if that's what you mean.
They go to a private school, we struggle to pay the fees and are one of the more "bogan" families that attend, while the principal and teachers are absolutely amazing in supporting us and working with us to overcome and issues, the office staff are outwardly judgemental and one is quite nasty towards not just myself but our kids as well- she makes it well known she doesn't believe we should be there. I've spoken to the principal regarding her and try to limit contact with her but she is the one who calls if kids are sick or any problems and with them having accidents at school or means I've had a bit of contact with her lately, each time more unpleasant than the last. And she isn't the only one who doesn't try to hide their judgement. Helpful feedback and constructive criticism I can handle and appreciate, judgment and a "holier than thou" attitude I cannot.
Just a thought, are they being bullied at school?
When they wet themselves at school do you have to pick them up?
What are your kids doing at home when they have the most accidents?
I ask that last question because when one of my fully toilet trained kids used to be playing the PlayStation he would literally wet himself instead of pausing the game and going to the toilet 🤦♀️
I meant your friends.
No not being bullied at school, they are friends with pretty much everyone, and absolutely love going to school. They have the odd disagreement with friends, as kids do, but it's like it never happened the next day. Nothing that they get upset or anything about, they just go play with someone else for a bit and then everyone moves on. It's not wetting, it's soiling. They don't get sent home or anything, they just get changed into a clean uniform and their dirty clothes in a plastic bag. The office will sometimes ring me to let me know if they haven't got a spare uniform and have had to borrow one from the office, the teachers usually just email me and let me know it's happened. The office has called recently as there is a new lady in there who thought it was a stomach bug (didn't know the history or anything). The accidents are random, sometimes it happens when they wake up, sometimes it's while they are playing or watching TV... Sometimes I know it's because they didn't want to miss out on something other times it's just they couldn't be bothered even trying to go to the toilet. At school it's the same, there never seems to be a reason as such... The teachers never stop them going to the toilet (especially knowing the issues), they even ask discretely if they need to go (to save embarrassment of saying it in front of everyone), the kids usually say no but then have the accident. I've asked if they are scared or embarrassed to use the toilet at school but they swear they aren't.
Oh gosh! Thats so tricky! Are they loose stools or just normal healthy poo? You poor thing, it musy be so difficult. It sounds like you have tried everything!
And its definitely not a food intolerance? Just being both of them, you wonder if something they're eating is giving them diarrhea.
My son has Spina bifida so I know a bit about bowel problems/issues. He now has a bowel wash out and he never soils, he had an operation, it has been a blessing. It an extremely distressing problem, you never know when it’s going to happen and it impacts the family socially. His problem is due to his spinal nerves not sending the right messages, resulting in him not going when he needs to, which causes chronic constipation, leading to incontinence. Through his bowel op, we now empty his bowels every third day and no soiling, like never. I’m going to say the chances are your kids are chronically comstipated, which has lead to stretching of the bowel, overflow and soiling. The longer it goes on for, the stretchier the bowel, the worse it will get. With treatment, it mAy take up to a year for bowel to go back to normal, but without any other underlying issues, you can resolve this. It’s a vicious cycle because if they are chronically constipated it will hurt to go, so then they don’t, making it worse. The overflow can be loose, even if they are constipated. You need to get them onto a laxative like movicoil, daily. It will make things worse before things get better. You need to up the fibre in their diet. It will also help if they sit on the toilet after eating, eating stimulates the bowel. Once their stools become softer, they will be less painful, then they will start going. Exercise also helps stimulate the bowels, so go for a long walk then sit them on toilet. Lots of water too. Unfortunately for my child, none of this works due to the spinal nerve, he also has to use a catheter to empty his bladder, so we had to look into surgical intervention. I wish your luck and understand how hard this is.
They will need to be on the laxatives long term, not for like a week. When the bowel recovers and they are in a good routinethey will most likely be able to come off them.
Also remember, with chronic constipation, the urge to go stops and they have no control over the soiling, they aren’t being naughty.
Constipation has been ruled out. It doesn't hurt them to go at all.
Normal stools. No intolerances. They can go weeks with no accidents, then start again. There's no pattern as such, nothing dietary related that we can tell.
Did they have more accidents over the school hokidays or since school has gone back?
That's pretty much what the drs have concluded. Doesn't help us though really.
What a about try a star chart for every time they poo in the toilet?
Something to enforce pooing in the toilet rather than their pants.
There is nothing medically wrong.
Nothing psychologically.
What were they like with toilet training? They wee in the toilet fine?
And they can go periods without accidents so they do know how to poo in the toilet. So maybe they just cant be bothered sitting there? Maybe put some books in the tpilet so they can look at books while pooping
We've tried it. Plus, pocket money (x dollars for y amount of days accident free, at the end of each week if they have any money they can choose a toy or something to buy or save their money if there is something more expensive they want), removing iPads (moreso if they lie to us about having an accident, and only for 1 day or part thereof). If they do go to the toilet, they can take their iPad or a toy or whatever. These 2 were a bit hard to toilet train, they were both 4 before they would even go near a toilet or potty and took months before they would poo in the toilet but once it clicked they were fine and rarely had accidents. It wasn't until they were older the soiling started.
Much of a muchness, really. No difference between holidays or school.
Try a chiropractor. My brothers were shocking bed wetters. Mum took them to the chiropractor at 9 and 7 and neither of them wet the bed again. I know this is more than just bed wetting but i guess its worth a shot if you wanted to try that.?
I hadn't considered it really. Doubt husband would agree though as a good friend of his took his daughter to one here and she was left unable to walk (going through legal proceedings etc now due to it) so he is very cautious about that sort of stuff. Worth a try though I guess. Neither of us know what to do anymore so maybe it's worth giving it a go.
Oh gosh! Well it wouldn't surprise me if your husband isnt comfortable then. If you do decide to go down that road, find a highly recommended one.
I know you say you’re sure there’s no abuse, but my brother and I kept our sexual abuse secret for 11 years. Our abuser threatened to kill our mother if we said anything. Scans don’t show everything. Sexual violence isn’t always penetration. I would seek advice from JIRT or a similar service. 1 in 3 children are sexually abused. Please keep it in mind.