Hello ladies. First of all, I apologize for the long read.
It's not really a question I guess. A guy I know just recently lost his wife to cancer about 3 months ago, and we started talking to each other. I've known him for quite sometime and his was was a very sweet woman. He started talking to me last month on social media. He feels horrible about his wife and I am trying to be there for him as much as I can. I didn't mention anything about getting into a relationship, with anybody, but this is what he said to me..."Hi I just wanted to let you know that I don’t want you to be thinking that I’m looking for anyone right now for a partner or anything, not saying you may be thinking like that i just wanted to clarify it that’s all, and hope you don’t take this the wrong way, right now I’m still grieving and yesterday was a rough day I just like to chat to people and just to be friends, I talk to a lot of friends on here and I hope you understand that, I don’t know what is in store for me but I just wanted to let you know that thats all and I hope that it doesn’t change anything and that we can still chat that’s if you want to." I told him I totally understood where he's coming from. And believe me, I am giving him his space.
I can actually see us as a couple sometime down the road, but not right yet. He may never want to be in another relationship again, but I guess all I can do is to be there for him. I've been single and a single parent for 8 years, and people are already telling me about this guy, and I'm like "Geez, give the man time to grieve his wife!"
I guess all I'm saying is that im starting to like this guy the more I talk to him. And if I don't message him, he'll be sure to message me 🙂. Even this morning, he said "Wishing you a great day today"...
He was even interested in my past. How I was treated by other men and stuff like that. When I told him that a man has never given me flowers, he didn't know what to say.
(From him, talking about his wife)..."I wonder is she watching me, what’s she doing, is she an angel which I think she is, is she mad at me for even talking to another woman yet, so many things just flow through my mind, I know it’s no harm in talking to you but what does she think, can she see me, can she know my thoughts, so
many questions but I know she would not want me to be sad and she would want me to continue on and do the things l love, like I said I don’t know if and when I’ll have another woman yet not sure when or ever, I’m just letting my heart lead me and I don’t know where it will take me, am I weird, I have so many stupid questions, what do you think?" And this was my response..."No, they are not stupid questions. And I can guarantee you that she wouldn't want you to be alone. Yes, you're gonna need some time to yourself before you even think of getting into a relationship. And, I dunno, maybe she's happy you're talking to someone, someone who's trying to understand what you're going through, and trying to help you. Maybe she thinks you need that. But as for a relationship, that'll be on YOUR time, no one else's. I like to think that we are friends, and like I said before, I'm here for ya. I might not fully understand what you are going through, and the loneliness you're going through every day, but please know you have a friend here who will listen ok" and he said..."Thanks I appreciate your thoughtfulness and yes I greatly appreciate having you as a friend and someone I can talk to"
Friends, just friends, hopefully more later on, but neither of us are rushing it. What do you all think? Please no bashing.
9 Replies
Sorry but no. When reality sets in you'll probably be bored with him still grieving and focusing on his wife. You won't even know him without all of this going on.
Its also wrong to be his friend right now with an agenda. He's just lonely and filling a void.
Think about how it will feel when you need to let him down and you won't want to be in this support role you're playing anymore. It's really not fair. Let him find a real friend. You go on and find someone you actually could date. Messages to see how hes going need to be cut down to weekly or fortnightly checkin, or even less often. If you think he's interested in you, put your cards on the table and say look I need to focus on me too, but when you're ready to date, let me know we could get a coffee.
Great reply, thank you so much!
What I really should have said is that this is incredibly one sided - to him. He's set the boundaries and it's all about him taking and what he gets out of the conversation. Really, y o u could be just about anyone who listens and sympathizes and let's him continue.
You're worth so much more than that. Xx
Oh love. At the end of the day, he loves his wife. He is grieving his wife. His house is lonely and quiet and hes seeking the company from you and whoever else he talks to, to fill those holes that his wifes passing has left. You can't give him the support he needs because you have developed feelings for him, and even your advise to him about what his wife would want is more about your agenda of a future realtionship than comforting him. Slowly your feelings will get stronger, and hearing about his wife will wear thin. He needs a friend. Not someone who is hinting about a future together. I just dont think its fare on him or you because your going to be left hurt. Either back right off with relationship talk or if dont feel like you can keep your feelings in check, limit your talk time.
My feelings aren't that strong toward him I guess. I've known him for years, and I've been there for people whenever they need me. But I will definitely take these replies in consideration. I will back off a bit. Thank you guys so much, you're really helping me here 😊
He is grieving, you need to back off and let him grieve. It won’t work any way. He is just looking for comfort and he has told you. You are looking more into it because you want to. It’s way too early. You need to cut back on replying to him and just be there without any attachment. I’m not saying you are wrong but I think you are taking it all a little the wrong way because you are falling for him. He is heartbroken, devasted & lost right now and will be for the longest time. You need to put a wall up and shut off from it. You need to act to him like you are interested in someone else, because you also don’t need your emotions being played off of his grief. He is so up and down and it will affect you. Don’t give up too much in your conversations. Keep it short and act disinterested for a while and see how things pan out way down the track. Just be a friend and don’t be to invested. You are the one who will end up heartbroken. He won’t stop loving his wife & it would be such a hard thing in a relationship to go into.
I cannot tell whether or not you have met him face-to-face or only on social media. If it is the latter be careful he isn't a catfish.
I thought the same thing!
Ummm what part of I’m only interested in your friendship, please understand that and I don’t want a relationship do you not understand? You are targeting a grieving, vulnerable person for your own gain. I see you have known him for years so he obviously feels he can open up to you but you need to fully respect and support him right now, if you can’t do that without feelings getting in the way you need to back off a bit. I believe it wouldn’t hurt to be honest yourself and saying I’m starting to look forward to hearing from you more than I should and it’s unfair on our friendship to be talking so often with that in the way, I’m going to back it up for a bit. Make sure he knows you’re there if he needs but not for ‘have a good day’ mixed messages. He is clearly trying to fill his lonely hours and does this with more people than just you so it isn’t anything more than what it is