Long story short, my (grade 3) daughter has been friends with the same group of girls since preschool. Literally thick as theives since day one!
The thing is, they all really seem to bring out the worst in each other. They always have!
I swear it seems like they're always arguing!
For the sake of my post we'll call them Amy, Beth, Claire.
Amy, Beth and my daughter all have very big personalities, Claire is the sort of kid who's happy to let other kids take the lead, a go with the flow girl if you will.
This year they were all placed in different classes at school (their friendship being the main reason why), Claire has sort of branched out and made a new group of friends (which is lovely) but it's left my daughter feeling a bit like the 3rd wheel.
Amy and Beth are 9 going on 19 and my daughter is still quite young minded, they can be very catty, now there's only 3 of them they seem to be ganging up on my daughter a bit, Amy seems to instigate a lot of drama (when it's just my daughter and Beth playing together there are much less issues)... I could keep going but I don't want my point to get lost.
The thing that's kind of driving me nuts is my daughter is coming home nearly everyday with -
"Amy and Beth wouldn't let me play"
"Amy and Beth ran away from me"
"Amy and Beth were telling lies about me"
*again, this is just a few examples*
I have talked with my daughter many times about conflict resolution.
I've explained what healthy friendships are and how real friends make us feel good and welcome, not sad and hurt.
I have encouraged her to make some new friends, which she has - she's a friendly outgoing kid and she's made a few really lovely friends in her class but she still insists on playing with these girls who upset her on an almost daily basis!
The school is aware as I mentioned above, but they can't stop them playing together if they want to. Amy and Beth's mum's have actively excluded me from their little clique from the beginning so beyond courteous "hellos" we don't really talk (that's not from my lack of trying either - I just got to the point with them where I thought "I'm not wasting my time on people who clearly don't want me around"). So bringing it up with them will be super awkward.
What would you do here?
It sounds terrible but I'm kind of sick of hearing about it and I'm struggling to remain patient with my daughter when she chooses to stay in this situation!
I understand she probably feels some loyalty to these girls and they are getting to that tough age, I'm also not that naive to think my daughter is entirely innocent - I'm sure she can give it as good as she gets sometimes.
I guess what I saying is, i dont want to be dismissive, unempathetic and just adopt a "suck it up" attitude but I am growing tired of it, i just want her to realise this is toxic!
Any non judgemental and realistic advice (so, please no 'move schools' suggestions or anything equally extreme) would be hugely appreciated.
P.s I hope this was easy to follow, i tried to include as much relevant info as possible whilst remaining consise!
3 Replies
Girls in that age group can be so horrible and what you described is really common. It's nasty but not physical or verbal that they can get in trouble for it. In every friendship group there's an "Amy", who is the more dominant child who kind of has the rest of the group at her mercy. Sometimes the "Amy" is actually wonderful with fantastic leadership skills that lead the group on fun adventures and help other kids, then sometimes the "Amy" is just a nasty piece of work like your daughters "Amy". Your daughter needs to find another group of friends. I would actually request to the school to stop her playing with them, she is hurting herself and this could be a really long year of them reeling her in to push her away, then repeat x 50. If they were verbally bullying her you would be doing what you can to keep her away and this is just as damaging.
Apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, the mums are bitchy and their girls are too.
Why bother saying something to the mums when they are doing the exact same thing to you?
Our school has had the same issues, they even created a girls kindness program.
Maybe find out some of the other girls she has made friends with and invite them over?
Try and really nurture those friendships, you made need to put in some effort to get them going for her lol
Even find out if these other girls do after school activities and join them?
It sounds like you've already got a good solution to give your daughter. You said of the other girls parents 'I'm not wasting my time on people who clearly don't want me around.' Maybe you need to point out that they are not being good friends, yes it will be hard and hurt to make the choice to not be friends with them anymore, it looks like they have already made the choice to not be friends with you. Expect her and help her to grieve the lost friendship, but help her move onto loving and supportive friends who accept her for who she is. She needs to learn healthy boundaries and how to spot abusive/unhelpful people.