Hi IM's,
I have a dilemma on my hands. A friend of mine has confided in me that she is having an extramarital affair
I have told her in no uncertain that she is doing the wrong thing. I've advised her to break it off. I have explained all the possible terrible scenarios that can unfold from this affair. There are kids involved on both sides. We've talked at length about what she can do from here on in. but she's not interested.
She's also told me that he won't leave his wife/family, but she is happy to leave her husband. She's confident he will support her financially. She has not thought about the kids - all questions I ask her are met with silence.
None of these things sit right with me and so much to her annoyance I told her that she is doing the wrong thing and that I do not support it.
This has not gone down well. And now she's refusing to speak to me. I am so sad that this might be the end of the friendship but I want to be there for her if she ever needs me, when/if things fall apart for her. I feel so torn and sad.
19 Replies
Give her space. You told her some home truths that she needed to hear. In her mind that makes you an asshole (for now).
She needs to do what she is going to do now. That will either be waking up to herself or continuing the slow train wreck.
Watching someone do the slow train wreck thing, is incredibly hard to watch. After the wreck she will most likely be open to being friends again, because she will either look to you to save her, or she will look back and realise you were being a true friend telling her the truth.
It’s hard and sad, but watch and wait.
She's not talking to you because she knows you're right!
The shit will inevitably hit the fan and then she'll need a friend but the ball's in her court. Let her come to you if she needs support but don't chase her.
You're a more accepting woman than I am though, I'm not sure I could remain close friends with a person who's actions I find so morally reprehensible.
Thanks for responding. 😊
This goes against my morals and values and I’m really really struggling with this.
Our friendship spans decades and she has reached out to me, I cannot abandon her, nor do I want to. That would make me a terrible friend
In that case, good on you 😊
You obviously value friendship and loyalty which can be hard when that conflicts with your moral code and integrity, so I totally get why you feel torn!
Your friend is very lucky to have you.
I couldn't abandon her if she was my decades long friend.
If I was you, I would text her and tell her your still there for her and your door is open when shes ready.
She is doing the wrong thing, that is for sure, but I still couldnt abandon a true friend.
If she were a close friend of mine, I wouldn’t dump her or lecture her.
I’m assuming if you have been friends this long, I also have childhood friends, she is normally a pretty decent person or the friendship wouldn’t have endured.
So I would try to work out the reason behind her behaviour and subtly help her also.
How is her relationship with her husband?
Is she looking for an out?
Does he treat her bad behind closed doors?
Is she having a bit of a mid life crisis and may direct her time to a hobby rather than affair?
Does she feel overwhelmed, unsupported and feels this is her only me time?
Is her self esteem lacking and she needs outside validation?
As a long time friend, surely you can see the reasons behind it and counsel her in the most healthy way to deal with whatever is going on?
If she’s just a selfish narcissist woman who needs supply and lives on the edge, then I wouldn’t be friends with her for those reasons anyway.
Nobody likes getting called out and nobody likes having friends disapprove of what they're doing. It's not you, it's her.
Right or wrong. You are judging her for her decisions in her life. You may not agree, as I am sure most wouldn't, but you don't have to push home your point of view on her. By doing so you are pushing her away. Try to help her figure out the reasons for it, rather than making out she is a shitty person.
She is a shitty person, she’s cheating on her husband and encouraging someone else to do the same. That = shitty person. Instead of leaving her husband first she’s putting another woman’s life in jepardy. She’s the kind of woman who will sit there and cry how hard done by she is when the man breaks it off with her to focus on his marriage with his wife after she’s done everything she can to let the wife know what’s going on. The dudes already said he’s not going to leave his wife and she’s assuming the new dude will financially support her once she leaves her husband. Yeah she’s a shitty person and needs to be told what she’s doing is a shit thing.
Shaming people never gets us anywhere. She doesn’t have to condone what’s happened, she doesn’t have to agree with it but a true friend loves even when they are making a mistake. And maybe that’s exactly what he friend needs right now to help her make better decisions - some unconditional love.
This is true, but she probably knows enough to know that if someone disapproves they think what youre doing is pretty shitty, so they avoid or cut off, as they're going to keep doing it.
It's just how friendships go in different directions. You dont want to hear about it, she only wants to talk to people that are giving her the feedback she wants to hear right now. I think you're being a great friend already by simply not holding a grudge and holding space for her if she comes back.
Real friends tell you the truth when it’s needed they don’t sugar coat shit and tell you it’s candy!!
Exactly, there's a difference between "shaming" your mate and being straight with them when they need an attitude adjustment.
A true friend loves unconditionally when someone acts in a manner that will forever change and hurt the lives of the people they say they love?? Would you love a male friend unconditionally if he was frequently beating his wife? Both actions are choices to hurt another person deeply.
I've walked away from friends who are cheating. It's an immoral choice that shows they care about no-one but themselves and I struggle to see them the same way I did prior. To me, it's like seeing for the first time that they're not the people I thought they were. To be absolutely clear, I don't walk away to be mean or to punish them... I just can't see them the same way I did. It's kind of like if I found out a friend of mine was abusive, or a hard criminal, or tortured an animal. Cheating is a choice to hurt others that I can't wrap my head around.
I’ve done the same. Walking away from someone you thought you knew is a lot harder than walking away from a friend that hurt you or that is toxic.
So true. It has broken my heart to realise I was so wrong about them as people.
the “boyfriend” has said he won’t leave his wife yet she will leave her husband, is that not an indication that she is more invested than him? Emotionally I suppose. Why would he support her financially if he won’t leave his wife? Giving him way too much credit like he is an honorable person. My husband was single when his high school gf sort him out and cheated on her husband with him. I didn’t know she was married when it happened or I wouldn’t of married him because it’s so disrespectful to her marriage. They ended up continuing this in my marriage! Obviously how I found out but no one told me anything I found out myself. I was kind of surprised at the fact that people valued thier friendships with my husband more than morals because they covered for him. The effects are devastating, dishonesty and selfishness caused a lot of suffering. Your friend needs to see a therapist and stop evolving her life issues to effect others. Her bf is a loser who just wants the side hustle.
She is a liar and a cheat and most people don't like hearing the truth. Step back and let Karma do its thing.