How do you Mums deal with bad behaviour. We have a 5 year old son who has just started Prep at a public school here in QLD. We had a really rough start to Term 1, but after some hard discipline at home and school, he came good. He ended Term 1 on a high and his teachers had nothing but praise for him. We’re in Term 2 now and everyday for the past 3 weeks he has been absolutely horrible at school and at home. At school they have a chart, where they all start in the ‘cloud’. Good behaviour means they move up to the ‘zone’ and bad behaviour means they move down to Step 1, Step 2 and Step 3. Everyday this term he has been in Step 1 at least. The first week I let it slide because he is still only 5 and I thought he just needed to readjust back into routine, but we’re now at the last day of week three and he has had the worst day yet. We have a rewards system in place when it comes to behaviour at school. He absolutely loves to ride his scooter, so if he has been good at school, we go to the bakery, get some afternoon tea and then go to the skatepark for an hour before going home. If he has had a bad day at school, he misses out on the skatepark and doesn’t get to watch any TV or use any screens (iPads/phones) for that entire afternoon/night. We also have a chart in place where he gets a sticker for every good day at school, and once he gets 10 stickers in a row (2 weeks of good behaviour at school) he gets ANY toy of his choice. We don’t really have anything in place for at home because if he does something, like talk to me disrespectfully or is rough, he gets pulled up on it immediately and he generally listens and doesn’t do it at home. The issues are mainly at school when he is around his peers.
A lot of people have suggested that maybe I shouldn’t discipline for the behaviours at school, but I just don’t agree with that. If it was a one off thing, I would leave it alone, but his bad behaviour is an everyday occurance that needs to be addressed and dealt with. I just feel like he is turning into a self righteous little ass hole and I don’t know how to turn it around. He speaks to me like absolute shit, his dad is constantly rousing on him to not talk to me the way he does, he is extremely rough (in a non violent way) to his peers and just speaks to his teachers, and anyone really like shit. He has absolutely no respect for anyone. Respect is a big thing in our household, and any sort of disrespect to others or property won’t be tolerated. We constantly praise him for good behaviours, and we often talk to him about other people’s feelings and how his behaviours affect other people and he does seem to get it but just constantly makes poor decisions.
We’ve taken him to a Child Phsycologist, and a Paediatrician but they seem to think he is fine and just needs discipline and structure. We (mum and dad) have also completed the Triple P Parenting Program which we didn’t find overly helpful because we were doing most of the things that they suggest anyway.
I just feel like I am constantly disciplining and it doesn’t seem to be working. I know he is still only 5, but it’s just disheartening when his dad and I are genuinely trying to parent at the best of our ability and to a high standard, and it just doesn’t seem to be paying off. I want my son to grow up to be a respectful, decent young man, and I know how important these early years are in achieving that, but we just seem to keep failing. Any tips would be appreciated.
Parenting Bad Behaviours
Parenting Bad Behaviours
Posted in:
Parenthood Guilt, Behaviour
7 Replies
Some kids just need more time. You are looking for gradual improvement. Is it getting better over time (even slight improvement), I’d be celebrating.
Be careful with respect. I’m not saying this is you, some of the families I’ve been around who expect respect don’t talk to there children or each other very respectfully.
He may also need more direct instructions. What is it exactly he is doing wrong? Does he need to change his tone of voice? Does he refuse to do what he is asked? Be specific, ‘respect’ is a broard term so be specific.
Have you asked the teacher what his behaviour is thats causing him to have bad days? Is he playing with other children at school and learned this behaviour off of them? You need to find out what the teachers are doing when he is like this as well, appart from moving him down the cloud.
This seems to be the type of thing that you need a professional to observe and help you figure it out specifically for you.
I would say don't remove outdoor play and activities. He is only five and has to sit still and follow instructions and clearly he's struggling with that a lot, don't remove even more activity/ free play from him. Sure remove the bakery treat or tv if he's got on the chart, but it also is a double punishment.
I admire you for following through, but perhaps instead try a positive reward and if he's had a bad day (remember one step means he's only had one bad time in the whole day) so remember to praise him for how hard he must have tried the whole rest of the day. Talk to him about what happened that time in his opinion, let him figure out what happened and what he could do differently next time. Praise praise praise and encourage every morning and night. Kids will be what they're told they are, and they believe one bad name so much more easily than 100 good traits.
Have you spoken to the teachers? Do they find his behaviour a problem?
I am of the opinion generally that you discipline the behaviour in front of you. He has consequences at school and unless they ask for your support I wouldn’t interfere.
Def get on top of the way he speaks to you. Let him know consistently in life respect leads to positive outcomes and disrespect means negative.
My suggestion would be a team sport. Get him active. Exhaust him. Occupy him a little more.
You attended a course and felt it wasn’t helpful cause you know it all... be mindful about your role and your energy are you a little negative generally? When we think we know it all we don’t often see what’s in front of us.
Is he mirroring behaviour? How does your hubby speak to you? Or is there someone he spends a lot of time with who speaks terribly to you or there significant other?
Is it actually "bad" behaviour, or are your admittedly high standards clouding your view? He IS only 5, his brain is not the same as a grown adult's brain and he has had a big change this year, being school. It's exhausting for little kids and some of them aren't ready at only 5 to handle it, socially and emotionally. So the anxiety and frustration and exhaustion comes out in that so-called "bad" behaviour. We cannot hold our children to constantly high standards that they aren't capable of meeting. And if he never gets a break from trying to be perfect he's going to be exhausted.
Personally, I'd pick your battles. Make sure you make him feel loved too. If he's responding to you with a raised voice or cranky words, check in on him. Is he tired? Hungry? Bored? Sad? Constantly piling on the discipline and rousing on him for speaking to you the wrong way probably makes him feel like shit, and feeling like he isn't good enough!
Listen carefully to the words coming out of his mouth. Is he mirroring you back to you? Are you unconsciously modelling the behaviour he's displaying, both at home and at school?
My personal advice: CHILL. And do some reading on developmental psychology - it may help.
I think you should appreciate yourself in how much you are trying and persisting.
You probably have already, but having a meeting with school to determine what exactly is happening and how you and they are going to manage it. That way, everyone has their set roles with the behaviour in front of them.
I actually have the opposite problem, my child is awful at home and good at school. It’s taken me years of specific positive reinforcement and relative consequences for inappropriate behaviour. I also taught him the traffic light self regulation and be very specific about what I want him to do and do it with him. Problem is as soon as I step away he spirals! However, he has ADHD and ODD.
Make sure you take breaks for yourself to top yourself up to deal with it all the time!
Our 6yr old had such a hard time in prep last year. Academically he was great but behaviourally and socially he really struggled. We had calls and letters and meetings with the school. Ended up doing 10sessions with a psych.
This year has been completely different so hang in there.
The sorts of things we did were lots of communication with the school so we were on the same page.
I had a behaviour chart for Mon - Sun that had things on it like;
I made my bed
I sat up properly at the table
I said hello to my friends
I had a good day at school
I looked at people while they were talking to me.
Every night after dinner he would get his stickers and we would talk about which item he got a sticker for. He had to get at least 3 everyday to work towards a reward on the weekend. Usually activity based.
I also cut out Xbox, iPhones, iPads, Nintendo etc Mon - Thu which helped immensely. And if he didn’t have a good day at school he wasn’t even allowed tv before dinner. Just playing with toys or sitting at the kitchen table drawing while I made dinner.
Anyway I hope this helps.respect is a very big thing in our household too.
Whatever you try I think consistency and limiting screen time is the key.
Best of luck.