To cut a long story long...
My partner and I have been together 5 and a bit years. He’s always had a slow sex drive and it’s something I’ve come to accept and live with because I love him and I know he can’t help that he doesn’t care about sex. That’s fine.
The issue is have is that, progressively, he’s getting more and more out of touch with how to please me. He’s so selfish in bed and it’s causing a massive awkwardness in our relationship because each time I mention it, it turns into an argument.
I’ve gained wait over the last couple of years so given I feel self conscious and awful about myself doesn’t help but I still always make sure he is satisfied the best way I can - BJs when he wants. I never get to finish. He never pleases me, and if he finishes first it’s over. We have sex maybe once a month, if I’m lucky twice a month. I’m so sick of porn, I’m sick of the lack of sex I’m sick of al of it!!!
The problem is that I love this man, I love him so much. Our relationship is otherwise strong, and we have no issue communicating, dealing with our problems or anything else except this. Except that we can’t talk about our sex life because it’ll probably end up in him being forced to say he’s unattracted to me which he won’t say because he doesn’t want to upset me. He won’t agree to counselling and I don’t want to end the relationship.
HELP!!!
It’s a long one, but please help my sex life!!
It’s a long one, but please help my sex life!!
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Men's Business, Relationships, Behaviour
13 Replies
At the moment you are making assumptions and it’s making things worse. You are assuming he isn’t attracted to you, rather than assuming he is selfish in bed!
You need to have the conversation with him. Until you do, you will be stuck in this horrible limbo that’s eating you up inside.
It’s not your weight, you have a lazy lover.
Thank you for the comment, assumptions really do make things worse because he’s so hard to talk to, I have no choice but to assume which I know is the worst way to go! I wish there was a simple answer.
You’re getting more sex than I am . Only difference being , my husband is a great lover , albeit finishes a little too quick, but he always satisfies me first . On average it’s only every six weeks , but twice a month like yours would fab . Just talk to him in a way it doesn’t end up as an argument . He probably feels inadequate. See how u go . Sex toys are great too !
It sounds like you know there is possibly an underlying issues being your weight, is this something you want to improve on? If so, focus on yourself for now and see if that helps :)
The problem is there’s so many underlying issues how do I pick one. My weight, his emotional disconnection, our intimacy issues from day one... it’s just a big mess.
I would focus on you for now, as in IF you WANT to lose weight, do so, but I doubt that is an issue with him if it's been going on from day dot. Some people just have no sex drive, my husband is quite similar but for me it is okay as I am also similar.
But him not pleasing you is unfair, have you tried giving him direction? As in being like before we have sex I want you to finger me, go a little to the left, do it this way, or showing him how to use your vibrator and suggesting foreplay and you play with him whilst he plays with you.
He would be getting a bit disheartened knowing he isn't pleasing you I imagine and chances are it can contribute to him not making the effort. I know for us I had to really tell my husband how to get the job done haha!
This is a great reply, thank you Anon! He’s a hard one because literally nothing turns him on. I can’t flirt with him, I can’t wear a skimpy outfit or put on some naughty undies because he’ll just be all, oh that’s nice dear. and go to sleep.
I don’t even know what his deep fantasies are or what suuuuper turns him on, you know what I mean? We have terrific communication, great happiness and we understand each other except this bedroom thing. We don’t know each other sexually, and it’s just so bloody hard cause he’s so closed off about it.
My husband is the same with the outfits, he doesn't understand what the point in them is if they just come off so says why would you even bother lol.
The hardest part I found was the way I get myself off isn't the way my husband would get me off, so just trying new things with vibrators and sex toys and literally telling him what to do and where helped a lot.
Does he relax with a few drinks even? Or does that kill his drive even more?
So he doesn't have a big sex drive, but when he wants sex he wants to get himself off and doesn't care about your wants and your needs? That's not fair at all. And id be stating that clear as day and putting a foot down. Is he selfish like this in other aspects of the relationship honestly? Or is it just the sex part?
I'd be inclined to think if he is like this with sex, what else does he do that stinks of selfishness
Yes he can be very selfish at times.
He usually never ‘wants’ it per se, if we have sex it’s because I’ve cracked it or nagged or something.
This pulls on my heart and I wanted to share a page in response to check out and maybe plant a thought.
https://www.facebook.com/fightthenewdrug/
There are many other organisations out there doing similar things, but this is the first one I ever came across which changed my mind, thinking, and attitude toward Porn. Porn is a crisis within our culture today. It destroys love, is scientifically proven to 'rewire the brain', and is one of the top causes of marriage conflict and divorce. Porn is not real, it's fake, and changes your thinking to normalize the not normal! It enrages me that it's so used, and it's so 'okay' in society. It shouldn't be.
I can't offer a permanent fix to this problem, but I can sympathise and understand. I feel badly for the situation. But I can't help but think that Porn could be a route cause for why the things spoken about are happening and not getting better. Porn in a downward spiral, and essentially an addiction.
The problem beong Porn is accepted in society, but if somebody struggles with it becomes Taboo. 100% you need to talk it out, but 100% your partner needs some people around him who he can talk his issues out with honestly and without judgement too.
It’s not your weight hun, you have a selfish and lazy partner. I dated several guys like prior to meeting my husband, only concerned about getting themselves off.
Ive always had a higher sex drive than my husband but since having testicular cancer and having to have the affected testicle removed his sex drive has dropped even more. Obviously he can’t help this so I’ve always been understanding. I’ve got toys etc but it’s the intimacy I crave so if all we do is lay in bed and cuddle I’m ok with that. When we do have sex I have trouble climaxing during the act so he has always either gone down on me or used his fingers to get me off either before or after, every single time without fail because his main concern is that we both reach a climax and that’s how it should be. Unfortunately not all men feel the same. Your partner is being selfish and lazy, you need to sit down and talk to him about it or perhaps write a letter expressing your feelings if you’re worried it will end in a fight face to face. If he truly loves you he’ll want you to enjoy sex too.
I am in a similar boat here. But I know the reason behind my partners behaviour, He is autistic which makes him very self focused, hard to talk to and a low sex drive. Definitly not going to be the situation with every one but still something to consider.