yesterday i wrote a question about my adult step-children hurting us both emotionally and financially by cutting us off or disappearing for weeks on end with little or no contact. I discussed the fact it was killing my husband and his mental health is suffering and I am struggling to manage my own anger regarding this and help him. I should re-iterate they both have un-diagnosed mental illness (delusions, manic behaviour and even psychosis at times but both refuses to seek help, they both believe they are shamans here from god to help us) but i truly believe there is a blurry line between mental health behaviour and just general shit behaviour. The common response was cut them off, cut contact etc etc etc. Whilst i agree with this on an intellectual level, on an emotional level and actually enacting this are VERY different stories. I would love to hear from parents who have been forced to do this (for whatever reason) and how they have managed their own mental health afterwards. I know that dealing with these things can tear families apart. Even just the thought of setting these boundaries with them is sending my husband in a downward spiral.
Adult Children
Adult Children
Posted in:
Mental Health, Anxiety & Depression, Self Care, Men's Business, Being a Dad
11 Replies
I’m not sure if there is a line between mental health and shitty behaviour. I think their psychosis could absolutely mean they are not able to rationally act appropriately.
I dont think I would cut them off emotionally but I would financially. Unless it was to help with basic needs food shelter or treatment.
I think it’s very important to look after each other on this journey - acknowledge your anger and grief. You expected a certain way of life and your missing out on that!
I really feel for you and the rough road your walking! I really hope that you can find a balance between offering support for these humans and supporting and filling your own cup! Good luck mumma
I commented saying not to cut them off, and want to write it again just for assurance. I have an immediate family member who is heavily into drugs and has psychotic tendencies as well as a lot of mental health issues (including being a klepto).
I got to the point in my life where it was either cut her off and hope she came good, or stand by her. We had an intervention, said our piece and had to accept who she was. She knows how we feel on matters, financially we don't support her (although I guess we do as we pay for her counselling appointments on the odd occasion she actually attends when she is desperate for Centrelink money and needs to prove she is in need of said pension). We discussed rehab and it wasn't something she wanted, nor was medicating or accepting she had an issue.
I am happy with my decision to stand by her as IF she ever comes clean (a massive if) then I will have been there through thick and thin and she will know she can depend on me no matter what.
It's hard to see her waste herself away but I am always there to pick up her calls mid breakdown and take her out to dinner often to ensure she has a good feed.
thank you for commenting again, it helps to hear you have been able to do this and actually follow through. Like you said it is so hard to watch them go through this but as adults we cant make them do anything.
It absolutely is hard and devastating, especially when you have invested so much time and finances into their lives in the hopes they will be better people :(
I never said cut them out. I said, don’t give them money and stop giving advice.
This is there own journey to follow.
i took no offence to any advice i received yesterday. was merely asking for real life experiences of actually following through. I agree it is their journey but we are on this with them whether we want to or not.
I didn't say to cut them off either. Stop giving money and enabling. Set healthy boundaries. Seek help if you need with knowing slecifically what that is in practical terms.
Something like this would be easy for me to solve as I'd just cut them off and not look back , but I know you dont want that. It took me 15 years to finally disown and stop enabling a similar type of family member . These days that person is recovered but the damage was done for me . All my feelings are long gone and I will never have the person in my life again .
I'm glad they got well , but I have other things to do that occupy me now for the better . You just haven't entered that mindset yet . And you will get there . But it can take many years . Seek counciling for yourself and your partner to learn some mental self help techniques because this is going to be a long , long road of self respect and self recovery. No one can help you decide , you have to help yourselves . They have more money than they are telling you too by the way . Please stop the financial support. You and your partner are being used to the bone and they're laughing at your nievety , that I guarentee. Even though I know you both won't stop enabling them until it breaks you.
can i ask if this family member was one of your children? I only ask because i feel like it is 'easier' (not that any of this is easy) when it's a sibling or aunt, cousin etc. As a parent we are meant to look after our children and protect them and trust me when i say society judges parents who cut their children off. You only have to read the comments about that poor girl who was recently murdered in the park and the judgemental comments people made about 'where were her parents'?' 'they say they love her why wasn't she at home' etc etc.
Yes you are totally right , people do judge the parents , and it's not right that parents are continually judged when their children are into adulthood. My son was 25 when I cut him off . I haven't seen or spoken to him in years . Maybe I was lucky as no one judged me ( that I'm aware of ) for having done it as everyone was sick to death of him . It was killing me as his mother and he also devastated other family members by the things he was doing. None of his family talk to him anymore, the cut off has extended right through to his siblings and grandparents. But as his mother, it was the only choice because I had tried absolutely everything I could to 'fix' him by over - helping ( enabling if you will ) , and just like you , I put up with it for years . The kindest thing I could finally do for both him and I was cut off all contact . Theres a time when you will finally say 'I have had enough' . It's very hard to endure many sleepless nights and anxiety, it's time now to focus on yourselves. But only you will know when your limit is reached. You sound like a very caring , amazing woman to these children, it's important not to torture yourself with what other people might think if you have to cut them off . Others aren't living your world of nightmares , so they should never make you feel worse . They dont know what you go through . You will feel a mixture of sadness and relief once you let this toxic pair of adults go and focus on you and your partner again . I promise you the relief far outweighs the sadness when you do .
It doesnt mean you stop loving them . It just means you are following through with total disownment if boundaries u have been setting for them aren't being followed . Nobody deserves to be bullied by their adult children. You aren't abandoning them . You are just cutting ties because thats what is healthy for all of you .
Oops slip of the keys , that age is 35 xx