Today is “are you okay day” I did a round of phone calls and a few drop ins on the ones I know need it, but, I do this regularly, I grew up with a sister who tried to commit suicide numerous amounts of times so it’s just what I do. (Sister is doing really well now) along side being that person there for everyone else, I run after 4 children under 6 years old, care for my home and partner. Tonight I was just scrolling through my Facebook and seeing all statuses and all the videos dedicated and I had to ask myself if I’m okay, which I think I was refusing to ask myself that question, you know “what you don’t know won’t hurt you” but it does hurt. It really hurts because no, I’m not okay. It really sucks, because I don’t have time to not be okay. I’ve got my 4 children (the struggle started since I had my 4th baby) I have my partner, I have my parents, my sister who I think I’ll still regularly check on and worry about till the day I die, a few friends struggling, one who has been at my house drunk at crazy times because she’s not coping and drinkingherself stupid to numb the pain but then wants to do something stupid and she knows my door is always open. So no, I don’t have time to not be okay, but life doesn’t care, and I’m not okay, and it really fucking hurts, it would be easier to count the days I haven’t cried since having my last baby 7 months ago. I don’t know why this is happening to me, I don’t understand mental illness, I know that you can’t just fix someone and all you can do is be there, be present, and be supportive. I know deep down I’m not just a bit hormanal, I’ve been blaming hormones for too long. I don’t want to harm myself but I just want the whole world to just stop for a moment, let me catch my breath because I feel like I’m under water and I’m drowning, I feel like I just can’t breathe. Everyday is so hard, I’m so tired, I’m always crying, and not one person knows, well except everyone reading this. I know deep down that I need to get through this alone, but I don’t know how.
If you’ve gotten this far, Thankyou for reading.. I just needed an outlet.
7 Replies
I’m so sorry you’re not okay.
Please take the time to focus on you, it’s okay to let your guard down and even if it’s just having that conversation with your GP, your partner, your parents.
There’s also lifeline if you feel you need it, 13 11 14.
For what it’s worth, I’m also not okay and I finally spoke up and I’m getting the help. I too blamed hormones for way too long
It's ok to not be ok. It's time to speak up and not be everyone else's rock. Speak to your partner, your parents, your GP. Start the conversation with literally "I am not ok". If it's too hard to actually speak - print this post and hand it to them to read. Thanks for trusting to share with us. You've made the first step. Well done. Sending virtual hugs xx
If you hide it, how can anyone help you?
You can’t resent people for not caring if they don’t know.
Reach out, to your husband, to your GP, you deserve the help that you give others.
Give others the opportunity to help you too ❤️
I understand this completely. I’m a mother I care full time for my partner and I work casual (5day fortnight). We also have a dog a house and all the bills and responsiblies that go with it. As well as my mum, and my partners family who all rely on me now. No I am not ok it like you I don’t have time to not be ok. Thankfully mine isn’t more than exhaustion. But while it is all fine and dandy for people to say look after yourself. But the world doesn’t stop therefore there is no time to look after yourself etc. as there is always something that needs to be done. Can you maybe put the kids in daycare for a day a week just so you can have a little breathing space. Given yours is more serious than mine I do strongly encourage you to check in a have a chat to your dr. And even your partner. It is hard and I understand your pain. Hopefully you are able to get some help. Please don’t be afraid to ask. (Maybe ask sister if she could take kids for a bit while you sleep, dance sing, stuff your face full of ice cream anything you want) but try to find some you time. Good luck Mumma. I feel you.
I too am not ok. I have 4 children ranging in age from 18 down to 5. I have a partner who is a couple of years younger than I am. The children run me ragged enough but my partner is the one making me exhausted. I can't talk to any of my friends about him because they already don't like him much. He suffers from depression and anxiety. Most people think he's a wanker or a dropkick simply because of how he deals with social situations. If he had his way we'd live out bush and never see another human again. I'm ok with that also, I'm not much of a people person myself. BUT I'm also an adult who realises, and sucks up the fact, that there are things we HAVE to do in our lives that we don't really want to do.
I'd love to not work and be at home with him and the kids, but there's bills to pay so I work. He is a stay at home Dad (mind you he's not the father of my children but he is the only Dad my youngest has known) and I'm happy with that. I love that he is comfortable in that role. Going to work forces me to get out of the house.
What's really getting to me though is his complete lack of regard for how his shitty behaviour affects the rest of us in the house. He is really, stupidly petty about some things. Food for example. He would rather throw his icecream out (yep he gets his own as the kids are like fucking locusts with the stuff) than share it with anyone. God forbid a kid asks to share (once theirs is all gone).
He throws childish tantrums on a weekly basis because he wants something and can't have it, but lectures the kids about how they always just want stuff and argue when they get told no. He's suicidal at least once a month, whomever says men don't have hormonal cycles is dead wrong. He won't get help, or if he does he goes in thinking he's going to be treated like shit because of one bad doctors visit. Now he thinks that all medical professionals think he's just after pain meds because of the way he looks. He's not. He hates taking medication.
I'm trying to be as understanding as I can but even I have my limits. "No we can't build a house out of containers, we need money and land to do that. To get said money we BOTH need to be working".. and doesn't that set him off. He thinks I resent him for being at him and I honestly don't, BUT if he wants these things we both need to have job. A bank would laugh at us if we applied for a loan.
Every time he gets told no he's worse than the kids.
I'm so fucking tired of walking on eggshells around him.
I'm sorry, I've hijacked your post and spilled all my bullshit. It probably doesn't even make much sense. I just needed to get it out before I go crazy myself.
Its time you start looking after yourself ‘first’!!
Time to tell your partner, your family and trusted friends that you need help, you need to talk, you need to vent. There is no shame in that.
I think when you are usually the strong one, people forget that you may also have hard times - that you need help.
Also see your GP, talk to a counsellor.
Make time for you xx
I could have written this word for word 7 months after the birth of my son. One day I absolutely lost my shit, things weren't getting better, nothing was changing and I wasn't coping. I remember sitting crying on my bathroom floor. My daughter had my son in the lounge room playing. I am not one to ask for help. Instead I offer more of me to others then I keep for myself. I called the gp and made a booking for that night to ask for help and it was the most excruciating experiance for me. Made me so vulnerable. Taking my own advise I had dished out to multiple people was a hard pill to swallow. My GP could see the struggle all over my whole body. We drew up a mental health plan and we looked in to an antidepressant I could take and I left feeling apprehensive and scared that this choice to help myself would change me. It did change me for the better. I am now 5 years past this point. I have learnt better coping mechanisms I have been off tablets for 3 years now and coping much better. I've learnt to take time for myself and not to say no to me. It was a hard slog to learn to say I'm not ok. I'm now a better person for my kids. No one knew at the time that I was seeking help except my kids and hubby.
You got this mumma. You know the process and the next steps. Swallow that pill and make the appointment. Don't be afraid to use medication suggested by the doc for your situation. It is a helping hand up while you are learning new methods to cope and be a better you for you and your family.