Am I being a bad mother?
I love my kids very much. There has beeb alot of trying times but thats ok.
Recently my partner and I decided we should combine households and live together. This isnt a quick thing weve been together a fair amount of time. One of my children is having real issues with it all the sudden. I think its because as a single parent she can wear me down to get what she wants and she wont be able to do that. She was fine with it when we all first discussed it now all of the sudden its an issue.
Shes an older teen an although i love her dearly i feel like i deserve a right to be happy too... not to push them aside but give his and my kids the family that supports and nutures everyone. This man is a good man. He has never yelled at any kids..shares his opinions sure and tells them if he thinks tjey are doing something that is dissapointing. Which any adult that is regularly in their life does.
I guess what im feeling is very torn. I dont want to make my kids feel like they arent important. But every other kid thinks its amazing news and about time
7 Replies
Developmentally it’s too late for him to be stepping in as a parental figure for your daughter. That’s most likely the issue.
All of her parenting has to come from you at this point and she needs to know you can parent her, and stick to your guns wether he is in the picture or isn’t otherwise she will have zero respect for you.
All discussions about behaviour and discipline etc have to come from you.
No older teenager would respect mums boyfriend and accept him taking on a parental role. He needs to be working on just enjoying each other’s company.
I dont think thats true at all. Its not about him being a parental figure. Its about respecting the rules and boundaries put in place when it all comes to living under one roof. Its about showing respect to both adults in the house that provide a home for her. And if there is younger children what example does that set for them? Your parent can't tell me what to do because they arent my parent. That'll make for a nice blended family
I think you need to ask her why she is against moving in with him. Is she scared you'll have less time with her? Does she love where you live now? Was she holding on to hope that her family would reunite but now she knows that won't happen? Has she just had too much change/pressure and this is just the straw that broke the camel's back so to speak? Honestly, there are sooo many things that she might be feeling. If she's almost finished high-school, you could explain that soon she'll be an adult and moving out and you don't want to be lonely when that happens. I think you need to have a heart to heart where you genuinely want to understand her to be able to then honestly decide whether this is the right thing to do. You deserve to be happy, but if you need to wait a short while so that she copes, that may be an OK option too because if she really fights you on this, no one will be happy. Hopefully she has the emotional maturity to value your feelings too.
I was in your daughter's position so maybe i can offer some perspectives.
When your parents separate and they subsequently start seeing new people/moving on you can feel a huge lack of control over your life (especially as a teenager when those feelings are heightened anyway).
There's also always a bit of fear that your relationship with your parent will change for the worse (whether that's rational or not). I can rememeber feeling like my step parents came in and knocked my whole world off it's axis because suddenly things were different, there was another adult to answer to and any criticism (of even the most unimportant things) felt like a huge jab at me personally which resulted in me arcing up.
I felt like my territory was under attack in a way.
I imagine she feels a sense of injustice about things. Particulary if things you've allowed her to do up until this point will no longer be allowed - she'll associate that with step dad and hate him for it.
As you've not mentioned anything about it, will the move uproot her social life? Her schooling or job?
That would understandably have a huge impact and be a big reason behind her aversion to the idea.
I'd probably have a family meeting, get everyone's (who'll be directly involved in the moving in) thoughts and feelings on the table. Create some boundaries and clear expectations that everyone's happy with before proceeding.
She'll probably wallow in some typical teenaged angst and self pitty for a bit but she'll adjust if she's properly involved and supported through the process.
Good luck
Being the oldest sucks. Being a teen and going through any chances sucks. Make sure you take the time to connect one on one, let her have an opinion, speak about worries and stresses. Make special deals and allowances, while you're also introducing new expectations.
Your kids need to adjust. She prob doesn’t like it because she can’t get away with as much. It’s tough luck. You need to think of you. You have raised them and it’s bloody hard tiring work. Don’t let her make you feel guilty or bad. She has to adjust to it.
She's an older teen. So 18/19? She's old enough to fly the nest. Tell her this. She is a young adult now living at mums. Your home your rules.