Please please please no judgement
I need to vent a little too as I don't have any one to talk to.
I have a four year old daughter. Ive been a single mum the whole time. I've done it all on my own waking up at night nappy changed breastfeeding from day one to now I've had no help and no emotional support either.
My daughter has ADHD. She's been seen by a pediatrician. She sees him 3x a year. She is also moderately deaf and can't get off to sleep I have to give her melatonin or she is literally bouncing off the walls to 11pm. She doesn't stop I mean never.
We see a behavioral teacher but I dont find her to be any help her methods just arnt working it's more me learning to control her behavior but her behavior isn't naughty its just shes full of energy doesn't know how to socially interact properly
I've become so embarrassed by her. She's always throwing things at kids at school made one child's nose bleed one child's lip bleed. When you tell her it's not okay she will laugh. You will lead her away and she will pull on you hand and start biting you. Does this to teachers also.
When I'm down town she will run she never walks. If I'm holding her hand she's pulling it down pulling it out of my socket. She's has pulled me over a few times showing my undies to the world.
Now she has never had any stranger danger. She will talk to any one ask there names tell them hers.
Today she went and sat with a boy and his dad today at a cafe I couldn't get her back neither could my mum. She faught me told me off. I was going red. The man was obviously on a little date with his son and my child was interrupting them.
Before the cafe she walked to the other end of the park and lyed on a bench. She called across at me to stop looking at her. Then she started talking with people walking by telling them her whole life story again telling me to go away when I would start to walk up to her. It was beyond embarrassing people looking at me like I'm the most f***** up mum.
We bought chips the other night thought we would have a little beach date, and she insisted she went and got them telling me to get out of the shop she was going to do it all by her slef, made a scene to I left. She has TO much confidence for a little 4 year old.
I then run into my friend her daughter is so well behaved listens and just bes calm.
The little boy at the cafe was just sitting there colouring in while mine went off made conversation with strangers jumped on the couches
She never listens to me. She always has to do everything her self. She has a thing about using public toilets she likes to play in them. I said not today the ones we were near were gross. She said she is busting. She says this all the time u thought she just wanted to use the toilets. It's always been an ongoing battle about public toilets. Well she did need to go and I feel awful for not believing her and she weed all through my car. She then got out and got covered in dirt and splash in the bird bath. I told her to not go out side trying to clean up as much wee. So what did she do she went in side.
She got mud all through the house I told her to stop, to stop walking she continued. I started to tell at her.
I lost it I said to her why can't you listen to me. Why are you so naughty, why can't you be like my friends kids. I don't want to be your mum any more I hate you I'm done I can't do it any more what is wrong with you. She looked so scared. I bursted into tears and ran to the shower.
I feel so guilty why cant she be good. I'm starting to get jealous of my friends they all have such well behaved children. And they have partners. I'm on my own doing everything with a child that's so full on. My exhaust I just want to run away and never come back. I start to think maybe it is true maybe I don't want to be a mum any more. Maybe I don't deserve to be a mum. It plays on my mind that my ex was right he said I would fail that I won't be able to do it. I get scared she will hate me and run off to him because I'm becoming so angry with her.
I do love her I really do but I don't think I can be mum any more and after the way I spoke to her tonight I don't deserve her
What should I do. Does any one ever feel like this. Or never get any time to them selves a night off or a weekend off. I'm lost. I've lost all my identity. I'm embarrassed I'm sad. I'm depressed. My session with my psychologist are about to end to which is really bad timing
Need some support right now.
I know I'm shit so please don't tell me I am I'm at the lowest of lows right now.
12 Replies
She has ADHD that’s why she’s so “naughty” if she is so much trouble why haven’t you asked her paediatrician to try her on Medication during the day as well as night. My daughter was your daughter. She’s now 6.5. She’s on Ritalin (quick release 1x10mg dose and 1x5mg dose 5 hours later) and Catapres/Clonodine to sleep. Melatonin works also. If your on a heath care card Ritalin and Catapres are so much cheaper that what I’m paying for 100 tablets for something my daughter needs to function and so she can play nicely. She’s been on meds since she was 4. Do something about it now before she gets to pre-primary.
Things will get better. She's young and you've done it tough. She can't be different, and that kid you see isn't roses anyway, so please don't look down on your girl. Things will get better. As she gets older, starts school, she will learn to self manage, you will find what works, you will always have challenges and stress but you'll have more good times than you're having now. Those early years as a single parent just smash you.
She is at school, she’s hitting, kicking and biting class mates and teachers. If they truly have adhd they will not learn to self regulate, however they will loose the ability to make friends, be ostracised, teachers and peers and their parents will see them as the naughty children, not invite them to parties (while mums then say why wasn’t my kid invited when everyone else was) all the while people will sit back and say things like. She’ll learn to self regulate and calm down and by then it will be too late. Doing something early be it diet change to no additives/no gluten/no colours etc may help it will not always help and sometimes medication will do wonders for the child and you’ll think why didn’t I do this sooner.
In no way did my message say to sit back and wait and she'll magically be different.
All of this work is important. Reaching out is important. Finding what works is hard but important. Right now you have to do it all but as she gets older you'll see the change. All of those negatives are catastrophized thinking - it's not that way for most of the kids I know and support.
Hi, I have no advice for you. Just want to tell you that you haven’t failed. We all say or think things that we don’t necessarily mean when we are frustrated and at our witts end.
You’re doing fantastic and deserve a big hug 🤗.
Is there anyone who can give you a break away for an hour or so?
Its OK to lose your shit sometimes! You do need to reassure your daughter that she is loved no matter what though!
It sounds a bit like she's ruling the roost because you're too scared of her putting on a performance in public so you let her have her way. You need to stop caring what people think! All the judgie mcjudgers are going to be there no matter which way you handle her in public, so do it your way! You're the one that has to live with this child! Everyone else who might get inconvenienced from a child screaming will forget all about it in 5 minutes! If she mucks up in public take her home! Jumping on lounges in cafes is not on, just start taking her home every time she does something completely unacceptable for her age. Don't use ADHD as an excuse for any of it. It might be a reason but it's not an excuse. Running off on you is dangerous and I would honestly use a harness until she learns to walk with you and hold your hand. I would personally bite my kids back if they bit me or anyone else.
Some kids just can't stop talking to everyone and anyone! It's impossible to stop them sometimes, all you can do is teach her about polite conversations, not interrupting etc. Stranger danger is tough with kids like this, start with books now about this stuff.
Try and fit as many mini breaks in as you can! Wake up before her for a quiet coffee, stay up later to watch a show. Let her have screen time sometimes.
My daughter was similar to this and believe it or not, a lot of these traits end up being good traits as they get older! Pain in the ass now though, I know. Start searching for sports and interests that might suit her, she will need to be kept busy through primary and high school years. A discipline sport is good like karate.
I was one of those mums who thought there was no excuses and that children can learn with guidance. I could pick him up and take him away and it taught him a lesson.... but since he started showing signs of ASD it doesn't work like that anymore. It's not so simple. You could take everything away and it wouldn't make him learn. It's about finding ways to prevent the behaviour in the first place and not acting badly or angry in turn which just makes it worse. Children with Autism and ADHD stim. They can't control this so simply. This child needs to move and taking her away won't teach her to stop she will keep moving. Obviously she can't be jumping all over cafe furniture but there are other things that can be done to distract her and channel her energy into other activities. My son has to kick his legs sometimes and if I try to hold his legs ( so he doesn't kick peoples chairs on the train) he says it feels uncomfortable. So I move him to a seat he can kick all he likes. Nothing a parent could do would stop an ASD child from flapping their arms and doing things in a certain order either. Bad sleep and stress can make stimming worse. Does all this mean they can't learn? No but it's not just as simple as how you said it
We’ve told you to use your therapists, to pick one behaviour at a time.
You need to put in the work.
You’ve had two volatile relationships, your mental health has not been good, she’s had a very rough start to life.
You need to focus on her, with the professionals, it won’t be easy, but it will get better if you focus all your energy on this.
Stop comparing, you used to compare all your friends with partners, now you’re comparing your daughter to their kids.
Their kids have had stability and direction and focus from their parents.
Your daughter has special needs, it’s tougher, but you will get there with a plan.
Make a plan, tackle one behaviour at a time and knuckle down and do it.
You know she is partially a product of her environment, you have changed that, keep going.
She has ADHD so she isn’t naughty, as it’s a neurological disorder. I found medication was the only thing to help my 2 ADHD kids. And adjusting our lifestyle to suit being neurotypical instead of fitting in. I find Additude and the Sue Larkey website and podcast has great info and the you tube channel How to ADHD is great too. There is also fb groups where you can meet others in the same boat and a My Chronic Life page that has ADHD friendly things on it. It must be so hard being a neurotypical parent trying to raise an ADHD child. Do you know anyone else with ADHD? It could be good to try and learn what it feels like. You’re right, it is a lot of retraining on your part rather than disciplining your child as it’s a disorder. And it is so normal to grieve not having a neurotypical child and it’s a tough age to parent an ADHDer but you will get to a place of acceptance and even enjoying them eventually when you get the right medication and therapies.
This might help (or might not)
You haven’t failed.
This was my niece to every single word. Even when she was medicated, she was slower, but it’s like she had a compulsion to talk to strangers, she still had a demand to go faster, even tho the meds were slowing her down, it didn’t change the way she was thinking. She was angry, cranky, would hit siblings, no fear of consequences.
My sister and brother in law tried everything!! I mean everything !!
She was 11 (and trying to date a 15yo! They couldn’t let her out of their sites!! She then also got her period, heavy and causing severe pain!!) she had drs appts, scans, ultrasounds, blood checks etc etc checking for unusual hormone levels etc. everything was within normal range. She had a councillor, a paediatrician, early interventions, art therapy. Everything. Nothing was working.
Then someone mentioned additives, preservatives. They changed her diet entirely and removed ALL additives. All caramel colours, food dyes, sulfites, annatto, you name it, then removed it. (They were completely sceptical, but had nothing to lose, they were ready to admit defeat, both parents with depression, and other children to think about)
Many tears, tantrums, and screaming matches later... 5 months worth... and it slowly faded. Her habits have changed. She still gets her period, but it’s light and not painful. She still thinks differently, but she cautious, she can sit and listen, her teachers have remarked a massive change (her end of year report was all “not comprehending” and had been for the last 5 years, to her mid year report being “comprehending” with comments absolutely glowing!!) has settled within herself, has friends for the first time in years, her meltdowns have ceased, she still gets really upset, but nowhere near to where it was. Her aggression is almost non existent. They’ve recently cut out all her interventions except the councillor.
I honestly don’t know if it’s the additives and preservatives that changed her, I don’t know if it was just getting older, but my brother swears by the additives and preservatives. They won’t eat out, they take their own food everywhere, but it’s working for them. They wear by it. I just know my niece is thriving.
wow, everyone needs time and space, you are not alone. 1st thing o would do is talk to your pead about medicating her. sounds like she needs it for her own safety. it will also help you alot. second apply for funding from the ndis use it for a carer to give her social outings and time away from you so you can learn to breathe and start to enjoy being a mum again. behavioral issues become ingrained and it takes alot of time and energy to rectify. hang in there, get some help, get some meds, and start the process of healing.best of luck.
I know you said she has adhd but there is a wonderful support group on Facebook where many parents have kids with adhd as well. It’s Autism parents Australia and the other one is asd/autism- support for Aussie mums. There is amazing people on there that have no judgement for anything you write or just need to vent. I’m sure many will be able to help you with what you’re going through x