My 12 year old daughter has a friend that was suddenly & tragically passed away over the weekend. This friend was her classmate and they sat next to each other in class. And to add to the problem, one of her teachers passed away about 2 months ago as well. My daughter has never experienced death, besides family pets. She is obviously devastated. She wanted to go to school this morning to be with friends, but I got a phone call from the school at lunchtime because she wasn’t coping so I picked her up. She is so upset I just don’t know how to help her. It’s breaking my heart to see her. Could any mums here give me some advice what I can do to help her?
5 Replies
I think right now you just need to be there. Rolling out the love and hugs and anything you can to create a safe space for her to grieve. If possible let her make her own decisions about school for the next week or so and just let her know you will support whatever she would like to do. I know it seems superficial but her favourite meals, snacks and time out would be helpful. Attend the funeral with her of course.
Been through it was my 12 year old son this year. His great grandfather died just after the school year started, then four months later his grandfather died. I kept telling my son that it’s ok to be sad but then he needs to remember the good times he had with them. I encouraged him to talk to me, to talk to his father or a trusted teacher. Roughly 6 months after his great grandfather died, things started to escalate so I took him to the GP for a mental health care plan so he could see a psychologist who would be able to work with him and give him strategies to help. The first session was mostly me giving all the background info about why my son was there, as well as medical history as my son has additional needs that were also part of his struggles this year. Then my son went in for a short ‘getting to know you’ activity. Dropped him off at school then two hours later I got a phone call asking me to go in as he’d made some very concerning comments. Rang the GP and got told it’d be better to go straight to emergency so he could be assessed by the mental health team. After the assessment I asked if I should have organised counseling for him sooner and got told that grief counseling is generally not recommended until around 6 months after the loss as it usually takes around that long for someone to work through all the stages of grief. My advice is to let your daughter be sad, then encourage her to talk about a happy memory. Encourage her to talk to someone when needed, you, dad, teacher, other trusted adult. If you knew the friend well, allow her to see your sadness. Keep an eye on her mood, and if she’s still struggling in 3-4 months book an appointment with your GP to get a mental health care plan as there may be a wait for a psychologist. There was a 6-8 week wait at the psychology clinic my son was referred to, but, luckily for us, there had been a cancellation so he was able to get in in leases than two weeks. Remember to look after you, too. You can’t look after your daughter if you are struggling yourself. Good luck!
I have been through this as a child, a teenager and as a parent. I honestly believe the best support for grief is from the people who are feeling the loss in the same way, right now that is from her school friends. There's not much you can do besides be there to listen. Schools are usually very good at making sure any affected kids are offered counselling and they will be bringing in school psychs, chaplains and counsellors if they haven't done so already. It's heartbreaking because you feel so helpless x
I've recently gone through loss and my mum helped by telling me that it's okay to grieve and that it's going to take a long long time. That it's completely normal if I need to cry every day. Every one deals with grief differently..
She's also text me every day asking how I am. I've found it muxh easier texting then calling or face to face.
Let her grieve how it works for her. Don't tell her what she should be feeling. I was 16 and my mum put my friends photo away and decided it was time for me to get over it.
That was the last real conversation (besides every day things) I had with her