Had a 6-month casual relationship which resulted in pregnancy. The child’s father has decided to have nothing to do with either of us. I respect his decision as I have decided to keep this baby and raise this child on my own. I’m in my mid 30’s with a child from a previous marriage. I’m also in a financial position to give both children a happy life.
I come from a large family who are all close. Parents are involved in their grandchildren’s life, siblings are close friends and cousins. We do absolutely everything together.
Informed my entire family of pregnancy which they’re all very supportive. My parents asked if the child’s fathers parents were aware? (My parents are aware he wants no involvement in the child life). To which I said I wasn’t sure. My mother said she’d feel heartbroken if my brother and or the child mother was to not inform her of a potential grandchild as despite the circumstances she would want to be a big part of that child’s life.
Which made me think. Allot.
I have accepted the fact the child’s biological father wants no involvement as there is no bitterness towards his decision. It’s been several months since we have spoken - I am in my second trimester.
Though I am stuck with the information my parents have put forward in regards to the other grandparents. I don’t know where to begin or if it’ll just turn sour.
I have met his parents a handful of times and each time they were lovely and came across as family orientated people (also a large family). I’m a little apprehensive stepping into that boundary (his territory) and informing his parents that they have another grandchild. I would also inform them that I respect their sons decision but for them if they would like a seperate relationship with the child.
It’s scary just thinking about that. I want to do the right thing by my unborn child and the other grandparents but I don’t want to create a negative baring because of their sons decision.
I just want to do the right thing. Give them the opportunity to make a decision because they may not be aware. No hard feelings if they decide to not be an active role in my child’s life.
What would you do in my circumstance?
If yes. How; a letter (before/after birth), face-to-face e.g.
No. Leave it alone. When the time comes be open and honest with my child. Age appropriate answers. When my child is old enough give everything I know about their bio dad - e.g. surname, grandparents details, other siblings, photos etc. I have absolutely nothing to hide and will be completely honest. I have no bitterness towards the bio-dad. The decision he’s made I am respecting and therefor the child will make the ultimate decision if and when the time comes.
Any other input would be appreciative.
Please note:
- click on link to read further comments :)
* After reading everyone’s comments I have decided to not reach out at this point in time. I also have no intentions requesting for child support (personal choice that I have thought through). Though, I am leaving this question up for others who may be faced with a similar obstacle. Still interested in hearing others stories and experiences. Never been placed in this position before and therefore open to all suggestions.
31 Replies
No, I wouldn’t. Because despite the fact that bio-dad has opted out (for now, you never really know it’s forever), it’s probably in the child’s and your best interest to keep the peace with him. It’s his information to tell, just like if you decided to adopt out the child but didn’t tell your family, or had an abortion and didn’t tell your family.
Also you don’t really know these people and it could be opening a can of gigantic worms and creating more stress. How much contact are you prepared to organise. Are you ready to explain why dad doesn’t want a relationship but grandparents do? Are you prepared that his parents are going to discuss there son and cause more confusion in the long run?
I think on this one, you need to take a long time to think about all the ramifications before inviting them into your lives.
I think it's worth considering that once you open this door, it's open. There's no turning back!
For example, they might have very different expectations in terms of how this relationship will work. They may want to be heavily involved - is that something you're prepared for and willing to allow?
On the other side of that, they might only want to flit in and out of your child's life when it suits them (it also opens up an opportunity for dad to do the same) - again, is that something you're prepared for and willing to allow?
Long term, it does have a bit of a potential to be sort of a double edged sword. Whilst on one hand, your child will (if we're considering the best case scenario) have a loving relationship with thier paternal grandparents but that could come with constant, painful reminders of their absent father.
Just make this choice based on what's in the best interests of your child, both long and short term. Really think long and hard about any potential implications, pros and cons etc.
If you do choose to let them know, I think this is something that really should be discussed in person and probably before baby is born.
Honestly. I didn’t think about this until my parents mentioned it. Quite frankly for the past 5 months I have been doing this on my own. I don’t want to sound like a monster but I fear opening that door into his world which may be more drama then necessary and or it could be a breeze with additional support.
My first born had inconsistency with his father and family. So I couldn’t witness that again with this one.
It’s comforting to hear others opinions on this because it never crossed my mind and I was comfortable having said conversations with my child when the questions arise. Plus had ample information if he/she wanted to find their biological father.
Nope. not your family, stay out of his decision to either tell or not tell them. You chose to keep this baby and raise it alone, he has chosen to not have contact so don’t approach his family. They may be well aware of your situation and don’t want to have a relationship either. If they contact you then you have a right to engage with them about this situation, until then stay away
It would be inappropriate for you to go to them but you could approach him about it. He can certainly choose not to parent but as his DNA is involved it would be helpful to have some amicable contact.
I wouldn’t. I’d leave that to him tbh. Not your circus not your monkeys
I would put a letter and little picture in their mail box with your number if they want to contact you if they wish..
Does this man have any other previous children?
I was in this position myself and his parents didn't want to know and let the other mums know via facebook the kids had another sibling. One chose not to respond and I speak to the other quite a bit. :)
Thank you for responding 🙂
I thought about a simple letter. I figured it would be less intimidating for myself and they had the comforts to respond or ignore.
Yes. He has children. They’re quite young.
If you can contact the other mum/s even just a facebook msg and let them know aswell and leave it to the mum to respond if she likes. I would hate to not know my kids dad had other kids out there we didn't know about. Good luck with it all. X
If you can contact the other mum/s even just a facebook msg and let them know aswell and leave it to the mum to respond if she likes. I would hate to not know my kids dad had other kids out there we didn't know about. Good luck with it all. X
If you can contact the other mum/s even just a facebook msg and let them know aswell and leave it to the mum to respond if she likes. I would hate to not know my kids dad had other kids out there we didn't know about. Good luck with it all. X
No . Just leave it. I was In this exact position. 15 years on, I have never told the doners family. His family are not mine or my child's issue, until the doner decides to tell them, it's not our place to. Once my child is 18, he can decide for himself what he would like to do, but until then, not your circus.
I'm just thinking that will be really tough for the child, if the grandparents do want contact. It will be great for the first 5 years or so but then it will be really confusing as questions get asked and the child possibly attends the same events as their Dad. Like they know it's their Dad but he doesn't want anything to do with them. That would be pretty tough for an older kid to understand!
In contrast to that, I also think if it were me as the grandparent I would want to know! Maybe there's a way they could sneak a relationship, like meet a few times a year if the grandparents do want contact? I do understand that the Dad does not want contact but that should not control what his parents views are, their relationship with their grandchildren should be separate to their children.
Tell them, Omg everyone saying just leave them out of it it has nothing to do with you. You are carrying there grandchild ! They 100% have the right to know.
How heart breaking as a mother of a son to know that if he (stupidly) chooses to not man up and be a parent that I will never even know my grandchild existed
It's not about the grandparents rights though. It's about what's in the best interests of the child!
I'm not so sure that having a relationship with their non existent father's parents IS in the child's best interests.
A child needs stability.
A child does not need to be constantly reminded of a father that didn't want them.
Yeah, sure, it's sad for the grandparents but just because they have a biological connection doesn't automatically entitle them to a relationship with him/her, especially if it makes life potentially complicated or painful for the child (which it will at some point - likely once they're old enough to actually understand the situation).
it’s not about the grandparents! It’s about the child.
Thank you for all your response 🙂
I have recently become aware that he is now in a relationship. I feel informing the grandparents may not be as wise as I initially thought. I don’t want to disrupt his life with the potential flack he may receive from his parents. I respect his decision and I don’t want him to feel forced to care for a child he never wanted.
This may sound selfish to some but my child’s happiness, security, stability and wellbeing is far more important than to involve the fathers family with the constant reminder that “daddy doesn’t love me”. This alone already breaks my heart but actually witnessing it and constantly having to reassure them whilst visiting GM/GP is another level.
As much as I want it to all pan out for the best interest of my child I can’t help but feel it’ll only place a negative stance on the child then much benefit.
Plus he is in a new relationship and I personally do not want to place any strain on that. He has made his decision and moved on and I shall allow him to do so. If either the family or him ever reach out I will consider this but from what others have put forward and their own experience it puts a sour taste in my mouth to say anything to the grandparents.
I do not consider my choice to not reach out selfish though others might. I am just protecting my child from the rejection she/he may receive. If questions arise I will always be honest, if he/she wants to reach out I won’t stop this and support any decision he/she makes. This information needs to come from him to his parents and not me. I do not feel comfortable having such conversation with them. It’s unfair for them but he has made his choice and I am respecting it.
Protecting your child is the selfless thing to do.
You sounds like such an awesome mum xxxx
Yep, his parents dont need to know at all. Its not your place regardless to tell them. Good choice mummo xx
But plz don't let him as the father off, Scott free... look into child support. He doesn't need to see his child if he chooses not to, but he should help pay for the upbringing. But that's a personal thing as well. Sometimes receiving none is in the best interests of your child too, but plz proceed otherwise.
Definitely good choice to leave the grandies out of it.
Child's best interests come first. Well done . You can always tell them what they need to know when they are 18 or once they start asking questions.
I don't think your decision is selfish, but I do feel his is extremely selfish.
I also think it is very unfair on his family to not know your child. That is his decision to tell them though. It is also unfair on his new partner, I couldn't be with someone who could just disown their child.
Hopefully he grows up and at least tells his family, so they can decide if they want to be apart of your childs life
Pop a note in their letter box explaining to them and how if they wish to be in the child’s life that they can and leave your number. I’m
Sure they would want to know. Also it’s best for
Medical history and reasons and best for your child to grow up knowing. This father may come around in time. Do the right thing by your child. The child deserves to know and so
Does the family.
pop a picture of the baby and a letter in their letterbox once the child is born. Short and simple. You sound amazing!! So level headed, independant and family-oriented. What a lucky baby to have you as a mumma.
My child's father has multiple children. I told his family about the pregnancy and they accepted the child as their own. However none of his other children have been publicly acknowledged nor does he see them or spend time with them. He spends some time with my child on very rare occasions but his family don't actively request visits or communication. It has been mainly been only due to my efforts that my child sees or interacts with his family at all.
Due to all this my child's relationships with his family are incredibly strained and starting to affect our relationship as my child is starting to withdraw and is resentful when I attempt to encourage communication and visits.
I'm getting to the point where I regret my descion and wish I just walked away from him with my child like the other mothers.
My child is early primary and we have no orders and I don't receive child support.
Something a little different but my brother and his partner had 2 children and he left a couple of years later after they were born. Had nothing to do with them. However, the rest of our family did and have continued to be there for them. They're now 17 & 18 and so glad we have been able to watch the kids grow! We are closer to their mum than we are to our own brother now unfortunately.
A couple of things to think about: he did hate that we saw the choices he had made, which was to abandon his own kids. He did try and ruin the relationship we had with the mother. He badmouthed her to everyone and anyone that would listen because his choices were exposed.
Those that mattered didn't listen. Though the situation is a little different, I couldn't imagine the circumstances around them being too different.
We are so lucky that their mother stood firm and allowed us to be a part of the kids lives. I couldn't imagine our lives without them!
Good luck with whatever decision you make x
Just want to put my 2 cents in, I have a child who’s bio father has nothing to do with her but his family do. They don’t like but respect that it is his decision and now that she’s 3 they realise that it’s in her best interest not to have him involved. Just because he doesn’t want to step up doesn’t mean they shouldn’t have the opportunity to know her and be apart of her life. She knows all her aunties & her cousins. She’s the only grandchild they have in the country and her grandma comes to visit at least twice a year. I moved on and have a partner and a baby, who his family have accepted as their own as well. Her grandma’s got pictures of both of them together at her house. It’s unconventional but it works mostly! I don’t have a lot of family around so it’s nice for her to have that connection. I’m sure we’ll have to have a conversation in the future but for now she has so many people around her that love her and that’s the main thing. He didn’t tell his family until she was a month old though after I told him they deserved to know. I think it depends on the people. But I know from my mother having a secret sister from her dad that was secretly adopted out by the mother, there’s a huge amount of regret in the family as they missed out on a whole lot of her life.
I can see that you have made your decision but I just wanted to say how wonderful of a parent you are and just an all round amazing person.
You have truly looked at it from all perspectives and taken everyone involved into consideration.
Well done mumma your babies are so lucky to have such an amazing mum.
Just wow! So much love to you xx
This is a difficult situation and has future repercussions for many people.
Will the child know his/her fathers name, whereabouts etc? I’m guessing yes and an explanation as to why they have no involvement.
If I were the grandmother I would definitely feel I had the right to know about and see my biological grandchild.
I would also question my son about why he wouldn’t want to know his own child. That would be hard to accept and personally I’d be questioning my upbringing and how my flesh and blood could abandon his baby with no moral obligation. Is he young, irresponsible or just never wants to be a dad? I find that very sad.
I see you made a decision but please inform the mother of his other kids! Let her decide if she wants to respond. You don't even have to meet or have anything to do with them but just informing them would be helpful for the future.
This is coming from a mum who's kids dad has kids all over the place but also I have a half brother my dad never told me about and didn't meet him till I was 18 it was honestly awful not being able to know anything about him. My dad then still kept him a secret from his family for another 12 years till last week! I don't have anything to do with them and presumed they knew but apparently not! My nan on that side of the family died never knowing and my Pa only just met him at my nans funeral! My half brother didn't know they existed..
Really sad but I can tell you as a sibling it has messed me up a little.
No. It's the biological father's responsibility to let his parents and extended family be aware of a child. Not yours. Your mother may be heartbroken in that scenario, but 1. That's her personal reaction, not everyone is like that. 2. Your mother is obviously trustworthy. Not every grandparent is 2. Its not the lovers responsibility to let the grandparents know. If they were to find out, that is 100% responsibility of their son to tell them the truth.
Who knows....may be a blessing in disguise his family aren't involved.
This is my exact situation! I am the grandmother - fathers side. I found out about the baby via her mum.
They live about 8 hours away.
My grandson is absolutely gorgeous. I am sad that at the moment I cannot have the contact with him that I would love to have. (Out of respect for my son. He is paying maintenance but no contact atm)
I have been buying him presents as we go along. Birth & Christmas. He is 6mths old.
Hopefully I will have contact at some point & see him grow up.
Can you speak to the baby’s father to see what his wishes are?
As a grandmother I would love to know.