Hi All,
In a loving relationship with my partner of 3 years but he’s lost interest in me sexually.
We’ve had conversations about this and he thinks it’s because we’ve grown comfortable in our relationship and put on some weight from what we were, I’m 92kgs and he’s close to that too.
I’m very upset at being constantly rejected all the time and just want him to come onto me for once. I’m a firm believer that looks aren’t everything and he should like my personality/who I am over how much we weigh. I’m obviously not affected by the weight thing and love him to pieces, everything else in our relationship is fine so I’m surprised by this.
When we do have sex (I’m lucky if it’s once a week), it’s fine we both enjoy it and it’s good, so I don’t understand why he doesn’t want to initiate it or do it often when I initiate it. I’ve discussed seeing a doctor to him and asking for advice but he refuses to see one.
Has anyone else been in this situation? What do I do?
17 Replies
I thought sex once a week in a long term relationship was good so i dont have any advice
Hi, I’m the person who asked the question. It’s once a week if I’m lucky, not guaranteed once a week. I’d like it more as I have a higher sex drive but he’s not into it.
Different commenter here ..
Gosh once a week is great. I'd be lucky to get it once every six weeks and i'm 65kilos. 😫
Oh wow, that doesn’t really give me a lot of hope! I just want it once a week. That’s all I’m asking for and can’t seem to get it. He’s got a great work/life balance so this weight issue seems to be the only thing holding him back.
Long term relationship, 4 young kids, 8 months pregnant, 110kgs, partner works 6 days a week for 12-17 hr shifts and we still have sex 3-10 times a week. I would say there is another issue other than just your weight.
Looks definitely arnt everything BUT you do have to be physically attracted to a person to want to be intimate with them. You say you have both put on some weight. If you have put on say 2-5kgs no it shouldn’t matter but if you have put on say 10-30 kgs I can see why he would be lacking in the physical attraction department
I do believe they should love you for who you are and not your looks, especially if you’ve had kids together and your body isn’t what it once was. However, if he fell in love with you and was attracted to you looking a certain way and you’ve changed extensively then I think it’s fair call to potentially have a lack of interest - it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you it’s just that the sexual attraction isn’t there right now.
You’ve only been in a relationship together a very short amount of time in the bigger scheme of things, so for this type of issue to arise so early in the relationship is a bit of a flag for me..
Thank you for commenting, I’m the one who asked the question.
There has been a bit of a change, around 10 kgs but I’ve lost 8 so far and I think I’m expecting it to be okay after losing 8.
I’m a bit unsure what the flag is though. I am worried that we’ll get to an ideal weight and it still won’t be enough for some reason.
Maybe it's about his own weight gain rather than your own. I know when I'm heavier I don't feel as confident or comfortable or happy within myself which usually results in a lower sex drive
Look I'm going to be blunt.
My partner and I are both probably around the same weight range, being overweight definitely has a negative impact on your sex life in many aspects.
1. Just the physical limitations, having sex with big bodies is hard work, sometimes painful even (knees, back, hips - you name it). Occasionally I think to myself it's just too much effort.
2. Being overweight impacts your libido, it may not have affected yours but I'd hazard a guess it has impacted his. Again, it ties into the above, just being overweight kills your energy for most activities.
3. Looks aren't everything but physical attraction is important.
4. The impact it has on your self esteem. I have looked at myself and felt nothing but pure revulsion, it's hard to get in the mood when you feel so bad about yourself.
Do you think it'd be fair to say that you both need a lifestyle overhaul?
Would some relationships counselling be something you could both consider?
Thank you for being blunt I really appreciate it.
We are going through a lifestyle change because I want to make this relationship work and get the intimacy back, he’s starting to become happier but I think there’s a little way to go.
You are correct in saying that I’m fine with the situation, I’m confident in my body and know we’re working on it so I’m finding it hard to understand why he feels this way.
I’m up for any solutions, but is counselling extreme? I’ve never done it before and this seems like a small issue in the grand scheme of relationship problems. Yes I’m emotionally effected by this but at least this is the “worst” thing we’ve come across?
No, I don't think counselling is extreme at all! Better to tackle small problems when they're small rather than let them fester into big problems. A therapist/counseller may be able to get to the root of the problem more efficiently too!
I think your frequency sounds great actually. And I imagine his issue with weight is more his self esteem than to do with you.
I find it strange that so many people think sex once a week is a good amount
Hi, I’m the poster. I’m not actually getting it once a week. I might need to edit that to be clearer. It’s if I’m lucky I’ll get it once a week.
Sex once a week is great if that’s what you want, there’s no perfect amount of how many times to have it, but I want it at least once a week. That’s a minimum for me and it’s not happening so I’m feeling awful for being turned down all the time but trying to respect his decision.
How's the work life balance?
My husband and I rarely have sex once a week. Sometimes if we are both super busy and just tired it's once a month.
We're both still very happy, just sometimes don't have time or energy
Work-life balance is awesome. He’s on 4 days off 3. He was upset with his previous job but moved into a new one, has been there for 3 months now and really loving it.