12 months ago, my ex was in a really toxic relationship with a drug addict who kept her addiction (hard drugs) a secret. She was caught out by one of my friends and I of course, let him know what was going on and that I no longer felt comfortable with him having our son around her.
He was initially completely on board, until she sucked him back in with her lies. There were a lot of other contributing factors, but that was the main one that caused me to stop contact and try to arrange a happy medium through mediation where he still saw our son, but without her present.
Shortly thereafter, his relationship completely broke down and he started using as well, mediation failed because the agency we used declared the situation unsafe to continue, so I used that as my stepping stone to completely cut contact with him. He only ever reaches out for special occasions and hasn't seen our son for nearly 12 months.
Here is where the guilt comes in. My son was old enough when he stopped seeing his Dad that he still remembers he has one and doesn't fully understand why Dad's no longer around.
I know within myself that my ex is not mentally or physically able to properly care for our son BUT he still misses his Dad and makes up stories about their non-existent time together.
I don't want to feel this way anymore. It's so hard to hear him talk about his Dad, knowing his Dad chose drugs over him, but knowing if access was permitted, my son would be put in real danger.
Has anyone been in the situation where they have had to cut contact for your child's safety? If so, how do you deal with the guilt if you feel any?
3 Replies
I have been in a similar situation. I stopped visits. He has now made no attempt to contact the kids in 4 years. He will occasionally ring me and ask for money or for me to lie in court for him but I laugh and hang up. I don’t have a single regret or bit of guilt. He is a dead shit and will end up dead in an ally. Not my problem. he had shit chance for a beautiful family, drugs were more important. My kids know of him (not the gory details, but the very basics) My oldest has some memories of him my youngest has none as she was a tiny baby. They now have an amazing step dad that is the perfect role model of what a parent should be. People make decisions, sometimes shit ones, but we have to be strong and do what’s best for our babies.
I have no problem telling mine that he has his own problems and doesnt make good choices to be able to give proper care to a little one, but dont worry mum does and makes sure he's safe.
I don't feel guilt, maybe your child is young or maybe you didn't see the damage having a relationship can do to him, or possibly your remembering how you knew him before he went this way, but it is what it is now, you're definitely doing the best thing for him.
You should feel relief, luck and gratitude for your son not experiencing the reality of the situation. I was a child of a drug using mother who my dad never stopped contact with her and I witnessed her being bashed, a knife held to her throat, severe road rage and public bashing’s, I was starved when my sister and I would go and see her for 2 weeks in the holidays. It was a scary time and thankfully only lasted a few years because she eventually died and was found in public toilets. I’m telling you this because the trauma is real and it is not something you ever forget. I was 9 when she died. Let your son tell his stories because at least they are positive, it is better than the horrific stories he may have experienced if he still had contact, be great full you put his needs first because the opposite could be horrific. You can always tell him the truth, nothing wrong with doing that also.