Just wondering if anyone has ever given sole custody of their kids to their father. I have 2 kids 3yo n 2yo n I hate being a mum and I think they deserve someone that actually wants to be around and who really will love them unconditionally and forever and give them a better life than I ever will. Partner isn't the bio dad of my 3yo so does anyone know if that would change anything and if that means he couldn't have her? Also if I put them up for adoption what are the chances that they would stay together? Has anyone ever or know anyone that has put kids up for adoption that weren't newborns? Any other info would be great. Also if you have nothing nice to say don't say it I couldn't care less about your opinion on this post only comment with actual information!
TIA :)
28 Replies
Purely guessing, but if you give them up, id think the bio dad would have next rights & would have to choose to keep them or surrender their rights also. Out of interest, if your partner has them, are you planning to still be with him? Where do you see yourself being in that scenario? Have you sought counselling for your own feelings & thoughts? Especially to help with making such a big decision. Ive had depression / pnd & its made me at times want to walk out the door & drive away forever, but i never did it, i got some help & thankfully its all turned around now. You must be desperate, i couldnt imagine, best of luck
It sounds like you have thought long and hard about this, and it sounds incredibly selfless to be able to see this fault in yourself and want a better life for your children. I have no advise, but wanted to wish you well. Good on you for seeking advise. Good luck :)
I would seek legal advice and counselling. I think it's very brave of you to be thinking about this seriously and what is best for your children in the long term. I would think about wether your kids would want you in their lives on a part time basis too and consider if your emotionally able to do weekend visitation etc. Having a bit more time to yourself and having the kids one weekend a fortnight might suit you (I don't know, just an option). I do know a step father who has custody of his step daughter and biological son, so it's not impossible. I think it's important to do it the right way though (and that's with proper legal advice) and counselling from a professional. Things could spiral out if control fast without this.
I think your first step should be to go and talk with a gp... Whilst motherhood can be challenging at time I wonder if there's an underlying problem here such as mental illness of some sort.
How horrible for your children for u to be in their life for 2 and 3 yrs and then u just dump them because shit got too hard. I would ask a grandparent, aunty or uncle to consider taking them on at least that way they will still have some connection to their family where as withan adoption they will loose all connections to family.
totally think that your comment is harsh - she never said shit got hard - have some compassion - I am sure she came here to hear that from your
Never matters what people write at the end about don't bother commenting people like you and the other comment below just can't help yourself giving someone a kick in the ribs hey???? I beleive she said only comment info she couldn't care less for your opinions .... But hope that made you feel good to give someone a kick in their ribs whilst on their knees asking for help
iM my advice is to go speak to a lawyer, if they go for adoption they have to find someone willing to adopt both and or may end up in foster care getting split and back together over the years
Adoption is not as simple as just give them up and someone will take them it's complex and difficult and the father would be the best option if possible
I don't know the full details but I do know a guy who has custody of his daughter and step son however I know the bio dad signed off his rights... But that's why you should speak to a family lawyer
Good luck but I do think you should speak to a gp also to triple check there's no pnd there as you could be making an irreversible decision and you'd wanna check that avenue before a final decision IMO
You don't know her situation, don't judge. She has asked for facts not your opinion. It must have been incredibly hard for her to reach out.
I also think this is horrible. For you to have raised your children for the years you already have, then dump them because you hate being a parent. This to me doesn't sound like you want a better life for them, this sounds like you want a better life for YOU. You got yourself here, you raise those children. They loo upto you, you are their Mum. If you dump them they may not want to give you a second chance one day, if you change your mind when they're older. They're going to look at you when they're older & say 'she never wanted us when we needed her most'. You have to be sure about this 100%. They deserve you to put them first despite how much you dislike being a parent. Would you just give up on anything else just because it's not always sunshine & rainbows? No, so why give up on two little innocent souls that need you. Sorry, that's my honest opinion & if you risk getting negatives responses when you posted onto this site :)
From the view of someone who had post natal depression have you been to your GP and told them how you feel? A lot of what you said sounds like some of the feelings you might have if you had pnd. I know this might not be what you want to hear but when I had pnd I felt useless and that my daughter deserved better. Afterwards I'm so happy that I went and feel like I'm the best mum I can be! It actually took a relatively short time to feel better (a few months) as I went on anti depressants too. Perhaps check this avenue first (if you haven't) and then maybe the doctor/psychologist (if you go to one) May point you in the direction of what steps you need to take if you do end up wanting to put them up for adoption.
I think you are being a good Mum if you give them up. Simply if you dont like being a parent then yes your kids deserve better.
Im not sure on how the custody thing goes. I do believe their fathers are the first option to DHS.
Well done for reaching out and wanting the best for your children. You are a great mum. I would be getting legal advice re keeping your children together. I would adopt your littlies in a heartbeat to keep them together! Good luck with what ever you choose.
I would seek legal advice and go to some sort of councelling.. It would be hard to find someone who would take two kids ( I know one couple who would do it just to keep them together).. Maybe look into what your state adoption things are and make sure this is 100% what u want to do
You hate being a mother is not good enough to giving up your kids. Are you young? Are you on drugs? (not being nasty, just may be a possibility) Are you depressed? Do you have support with the kids, from grandparents or other family for some time off for yourself? I think if you do this you will regret this decision for the rest of your life. Firstly if you are on drugs and/or depressed get help to sort your self out and you might actually appreciate your kids instead of seeing them as a burden in your life. The first three years of a childs life is the hardest for any mother, and that increases if you are a sole parent. After they start school life gets a bit easier and you can start having your life back bit again. I would say look at reasons why you don't like being a mother instead of taking the easy way out and giving them up. On the other hand if you are a mother that doesn't look after your kids, neglect them and they get abused, you should give them up. It sounds like you are depressed, go to your GP and get a care plan in place and see a social worker, get support from a church organisation (salvos) etc. they will help you in providing you with help through your hard times, they may give you babysitting so you can have a bit more time to yourself to get your depression under wraps. They may offer you someone to talk (social worker) etc. See your GP, get help and reveluate in a years time if the children are in safe hands under your guardianship.
Placing your kids up for adoption is not an easy answer! Not everyone is built to be a mother, and neither are all men built to be fathers. Unfortunately people don't know this until after the children arrive.
Firstly go talk to your GP and get counselling. It's a huge decision and not one to take lightly. We all feel like that at times. Talk to their father and see if they will take them on. Adoption in Australia is a difficult process and isn't always successful. If dad isn't an option, maybe a relative. Seek legal advise. Is your partner the bio dad of the youngest? If so how does he feel about this? I'm not saying this to mean but it's ultimately your responsibility and you made a choice to have kids. Step up and be the mum they need you to be. Suck it up, work on your own issues. Put them in full time daycare if you need too.
I can't believe so many of you are bagging her out. This is obviously a cry for help from someone with real psychological issues. I pray she gets the help she needs.
Not necessarily psychological issues! Parenting isn't for everyone, just like I'd probably die being an accountant!
You people make me sick! This woman is only talking about options for her children to have an amazing life! Do you all want what is best for your child! Well that is exactly what this woman is saying she wants! All of you need to get down of your pedi stool and take a long hard look in the mirror!
I think your best option would be to seek out counselling and legal advice. That way you can be prepared for any possible emotional disturbances to your life, and the kids, while getting sound legal advice in regards to your wishes for them.
I think the bio dad would have first preference and then maybe open it up to family members. When I was younger my parents were asked to take on my cousin but weren't able to for various reasons and my Aunty took her on (her brothers child). Whatever the outcome is, it would be a huge decision for you and I hope you are able to access counseling to help you through it all
You poor woman! I have to say that at times this though has popped through my own head! I've struggled with depression and anxiety all my life, so it didn't take much for me to start feeling like my little girl would be better off without me. Although I love her and would do ANYTHING for her, if I were to be honest, I don't really love being a Mum. Anyway, my point is that if you haven't already, it might be worth seeing a doctor or psychologist about the possibility of depression/anxiety being the root cause. If for no other reason than to rule it out. Then if you're 100% sure relinquishing parenthood is still best for you and the children (and in some situations it absolutely is and I say "good on you" to the people that can recognise that early on and avoid ruining lives), look into custody arrangements. Perhaps have a consult with a family law professional to see whether you can make arrangements to ensure they stay together? Above all, I really hope you can get some objective advice (from a professional) as to whether this is the right option for you and your children. It would be an even worse tragedy if in 15 years you realise you made a terrible mistake, simply because you didn't get the right support/help. Best of luck!
I cannot comment on the legalities of the post and the only advice I can offer is to speak to someone about all of this, not even to change your mind but just to offer some guidance and support; family, a friend, a doctor. I would like to comment though to the negative posters because we need to offer support and guidance not hatred and judgement:-
I believe it took such a huge amount of strength and courage to post for help and advice and for that she is truly amazing. She probably doesn't feel strong, courageous or amazing, but just the fact that she reached out to ask what is best for her children is enormous and shows the strength of character she has. I wish for her all the best and I hope she is able to put any negative advice she may read behind her, and do what she feels is right for her and her children and not what people expect of her. Just because she is asking her ex to have custody does not mean she will never be in their lives, it just means she is taking a step away for a while. And it most certainly does not mean she does not love them, quite the opposite, it's the love she has for them that is her main driving force.
I wish her love and strength xo
I'm amazed at the lack of understanding shown by some people. Not everyone is built for parenting and enjoys it! There are some jobs I just would not be able to do, I know I would be positively dreadful at being a doctor or a nurse and would hate being a scientist! Luckily with a job you can do it for awhile and then go find something more suitable. Parenting you can't without having a bunch of people telling you you have psychological issues, or basically calling you the lowest of low. Now I appreciate that this involves children so isn't it better the mum involved speaks up acknowledges the issues and tries to find some solutions rather going through parenting in a half hearted manner or even worse neglects her children because she just doesn't have it in her. She is one of the bravest mums in my opinions, putting her children's welfare over and above what others will think of her.
I will not pretend to understand your situation but I wanted you to know I support your decision and think you are very strong to put this question out there. I've had a look into it for you and have found that your partner can adopt them both if the bio dad (and you) sign over your parental rights to him. People can pay out on you but jerk your chin up. You ARE doing what is best for your children as you have not dumped them and you want them to stay together. Remember that while we may not understand we respect you and your decision. Your in my thoughts and prayers xoxo
I don't have any info on how things work but I can completely relate, I've considered leaving many times. It's so bloody hard raising kids, and I'm not good at it they would be better without me. I just want you to know ur not the only one who's feels like this and the haters who have opinions on it should mind their own business. For me I thought well fathers do it all the time I can too, truth is I couldn't I love them although they bleed me dry I love them and the fact that I thought about leaving because I wanted to best for them does mean I'm doing a good enough job. I'm not perfect I don't parent perfect it's still hard but it gets easier and it is worth it. I'm not trying to change your mind just sharing my experience, I started looking after myself with food sleep and exercise and lowering my standards, let kids play and have fun enjoy creating a connection rather than feeing pressured to be perfect mum and tick all the boxes.
Good luck I hope you make the right decision for you.
Aww sweetie, I can so relate to you and all that you have said. You really made me feel better about my parenting and feelings (I'm not the one who asked the question) I just wanted you to know you have helped me so thank you. I don't think I'm the perfect mum and have no idea what I'm doing but my kids are healthy, fun, kind and polite children and they love me. But time for yourself is also important. I'm really appreciate your comment. Xoxo
You should contact child safety, they deal with adoptions and have people who can give you the ins and outs of what you can do for your children and how to go about it. http://www.communities.qld.gov.au/childsafety/adoption/parents-consideri... . Good luck wish you all the best