Bare with me might be long...
So my partner and I have been together for around 4 months. During this time we have had lots of ups and downs but we've had a lot of issues come our way that many wouldn't have in a new relationship.
He used to be the type to shut down for a day and not have contact whilst he sorted his emotions and then we would talk it out. However, I am the opposite so whilst I'm being shut out I am also flipping out. We've since come to a middle man and we part talk it out enough to reconnect on level ground then discuss later.
During this time I have felt that something was odd, something wasn't being said and it was something big (on his part), he always denied it.
Fast forward to now and my child was getting things out of his bag (as toddlers do)and I discovered some prescription meds. I googled them to see what it was, sure enough antidepressants.
I also checked out the side effects, sure enough many are ones of issues we have had together, (him sleeping abnormal amounts of time, distance at times, lack of contact to say some of the things).
And now it seems to all make sense and add up!
I have suffered depression and anxiety for my adulthood and so I empathize a lot with him.
My question is would you start a conversation with him about it? Only based on that I want him to feel loved, supported and I am very much here by his side.
He struggles a little (improving) with face to face talking, I was thinking of writing a heart felt letter? Or am I best to wait for him?
He's very alpha male type so doesn't like to discuss his feelings unless I ask and he's told me he's fine with me asking how he is etc.
What would you do?
11 Replies
You are putting a lot of effort in for a guy that you’ve been with for 4 months. Please be careful.
No. He's already put himself out of his comfort level to handle things in a way that accommodates your emotional needs. This isn't just about him. It's you too. If he hasn't spoken to you about this, he either doesn't want to or isn't ready.
Just to be clear, antidepressants list every symptom in the world as a side effect, so don’t assume everything relates to that.
Four months in, you should be in the honeymoon phase, having fun just getting to know each other, if it’s this much work, I would say you aren’t compatible.
He likes to take his time and process his feelings, rather than talk when emotions are high, I’m like that too, as I said, I think you are too different.
No, you shouldn’t be asking him about that, again, it’s only been four months, he obviously isn’t where you are in the relationship.
Also, base being on a relationship on how he is right now, not what you want him to become because in the end, people need to find someone that is compatible with who they are, with a little bit of compromise, but not changing their core being.
I would say this guy can’t give you what you need, emotionally.
If I was with someone for four months and they flipped out from not being in contact one day, I would run, run for the hills.
Why would you google his medications? If anyone I knew googled my medications I would feel my privacy was invaded. His medical history, is his business at this point.
You’ve been with him for 4 months. He is is allowed to have some privacy at this point. You aren’t supposed to know everything about someone you’ve known for 4 months.
That’s why people say wait for many months before introducing kids to a new boyfriend. Cause it takes about 12 months to really truly know someone and there is a time and place to divulge this information and he isn’t at it.
If you feel something is ‘off’ then you have two options. Wait until he is prepared to disclose or take it as a red flag this guy isn’t for you. Don’t try and blame his behaviour on medications, because 1. He may have been worse before medication and you may actually have the good version of him now, 2, you aren’t a doctor.
I’ve been thinking about this more.....I think you have a problem with boundaries.
If someone is uncomfortable face to face talking about something, you need to respect their boundaries.
If someone needs some time out from you and arguing, again, you don’t flip out, you respect their personal boundaries.
Googling this mans medication, again, another breach of someone’s boundaries.
And all this within four months, so many red flags and they are all you, not him.
I actually feel sorry for this man, he has depression and a new partner who doesn’t respect the most important thing, his boundaries. I would be concerned if it was my friend or family member.
They say the test to find out if a potential partner is abusive is to tell them no and see what happens....
The worst part is, you think you are teaching him and making him better, so condescending.....
This, all of this. Well said.
Yes!!
I would be furious at the snooping and lack of privacy and respect
I would tell him your child got into his bag and you seen them then that way it is not hidden. Be open with him. He may not have been on the meds long enough to make a difference yet or they may not be the right meds for him (everyone responds differently to antidepressants) my partner went through a similar stage after being on the same meds for years. He went to his psychologist and changed meds and talked it through. This took awhile for him to realise though as to him he felt ok, it almost broke us, But to me he was almost emotionless, extremely tired, depressed and no libido. He is now great and has been for the last 5 years. If he seems like the one then stick it out, if your own mental health can’t cope with his then maybe you should reconsider the relationship you are in. Good luck xx
Hmmmm... I think at a certain point of my life like if I had a child it means I’m not looking around for something casual anymore. If you’re serious enough for your child to meet him and that’s no small thing this should be discussed because what I would want to know his diagnosis, is it just depression? Is it dual? Is there bipolar? schizophrenia? Borderline? I didn’t know my partner had a mental illness until we had been together for over a year. There were definitely signs but I wish I had been notified because the road you’re on it’s tough and it’s tough on your child. If you have this notion that you can fix him, you shouldn’t be in the relationship. Your partner and my partner’s diagnosis may be different but the start of our relationship was a definite roller coaster ride.