Why are people so quick to bag out step parents, especially step mother's?
Every time someone posts a step parenting question, someone always has to have a go at the poster.
Just because things aren't all sunshine and daisies it doesn't mean the step kids aren't being cared for.
We don't expect stepchildren to love their step parents like their own, so whats the difference? Just because you love their parent, doesnt automatically mean you have to love your step kids straight away. Hopefully this love will come in time.
Step parenting isn't easy at all. We didn't know what we were getting into either.
Expecting a few nasty replies sadly.
Thats why I asked anonymously.
I am just curious why its such a sensitive subject for some people.
Why are step parents picked on so much?
Why are step parents picked on so much?
Posted in:
Parenthood Guilt
24 Replies
1. I think step parenting is bloody difficult.
2. I wish people would think more carefully and have a well thought out plan when they become step parents and really researched how to be a good step parent. It’s a big job, it’s a complex job and it’s not as simple as treating the kids as your own, because they aren’t your own and how you treat them will depend on the kids ages and how long you’ve been on the scene.
3. Empathy from both sides would go a long way.
4. The only time I’ve been a bit confused by a step parent, was when the step parent couldn’t understand why the mother would want more time with her own child, because dad wasn’t going to be home.
I LOVE your answer. Thanks so much
I've seen some step mums come here with absolutely ghastly and completely unwarranted attitudes towards their step children or their step children's biological mothers.
I find those types of questions (or rants) really quite upsetting and the harsh responses they receive usually aren't unjustified.
I've also seen some step mums come here who clearly care about their step children but for whatever reason they're struggling. Often those posts get absolutely dragged with really unfair or straight up mean responses and I hate that as well, I'll also call that bullshit out of I see it!
It is a sensitive topic though.
Many commenters are having issues with their own children's step parents, many commenters know what these situations are like from a childs perspective and I think that can sometimes make people put too much of their own experiences or read too much into the questions being posed.
Totally agree. From what I've seen the issue usually comes more from overstepping, seeing partner through their love goggles or just completely rigidly. I think also people are in a rush into a family set up , whether it's easier with kids involved or financially or they just want that for themselves and their kids, and that makes it all the more difficult to navigate boundaries. I think it's sensitive when we feel for the kids involved, they really are torn and harmed by conflict and they didn't asked for any of it.
I just find the attitude of step parents in a lot of these questions is that the step kids are an option.
To take or leave.
Like they aren’t actually a member of the family.
Should we have step child if.......whatever circumstances they are in but they never consider it an option to ship their own kids off. To not have their own children.
When a mum writes in about a problem with their child, they never (or only in extreme cases), consider the option of opting out or not having the child with them.
They want to work through whatever the issue is, but step parents always mention throwing in the towel, it’s an option they always consider, but worded nicely of course, never actually stated, just implied.
They also seem to put a lot of blame on the bio mum when things go wrong, which often isn’t the case, sadly, sometimes it is.
It’s like they take no responsibility for the child’s behaviour, because they’re a part time parent, it’s all mums fault.
I guess I just find them unaccountable.
Also, as a single mum, from being on the forum for a while, I also think women are way too quick to move in and have more kids with the new man. I think this is where most of the problems stem from.
Agree then come across as self centred and in their thinking about their family, household finances vs other kids.
I think a lot of posters bring their own experiences to the post and assume the Stepmum is the automatic bad guy.
I had the stepmother from hell growing up, my own kids also had a bad experience with their Dad's ex partner. I had all this experience behind me when I became a step parent and it has made me super aware of my place and not overstepping. As much as I am trying to make sure I am treating all our kids equally and not make the same mistakes, my step kids have been pushing every button and trying to get a reaction out of me. It is my partners ex that causes it, I won't go into it but I know as the bio Mum there are things she does to the kids that I wouldnt dream of, like talk about child support and encourage the kids to be rude about my cooking etc. I have posted here for advice a few times, sometimes I get told I'm doing a great job and other times I get told I'm destroying these kids lives and they are going to need therapy forever. On nearly every post I write at least one person tells me it's not my problem, easy to say but I'm basically the main carer and if I didnt consider them my problem that wouldnt make me a very good step parent. We have majority of care and partner works full time so I'm with the kids more than their parents.
As a single mum, why get entangled in all that?
Bitter bio mum, step kids that hate you?
Doesn’t it suck the joy out of life for you?
He must be an amazing partner, that’s all I can say.
I’m single, my life is happy and peaceful.
Kids are happy.
Only way I would repartner is if it’s a great situation for everyone and brings me joy.
Do you find being single so bad?
I was single for 5 years and I'm not with my partner because I didn't want to be single anymore. I'm with him because we love each other and we make a great team, we want to grow old together. The kids were great before I moved in, we waited 3 years to make sure all was good and it still went to shit. It's not all bad really, I ignore 99 per cent of it and the bad attitude has started to backfire on Mum too, so hopefully she's starting to learn that you can't involve your kids in your own fights for your own personal gain. Underneath the attitude they are awesome people, I know one day they will grow up and see that I'm not that bad. I won't let his ex get what she wants, which is me to leave. The long term relationship is what I'm thinking of by staying.
Good for you!! Well said!!
I’m just tired and your post just seemed so negative and exhausting lol
I hope everything works out for you and your lovely blended family.
The only time i really get bothered by this step parent gig , is when a step mum writes in about family court issues of her partner and HIS ex, and posting the discussion as WE want this and WE want that when it comes to court and co parenting issues. No matter how you look at it, there is no WE in family court issues that involve a step parent and as unfair as it can seem depending on circumstance, the facts are that the bio parents court cases and mediation meetings are purely for them, alone.
I'm not a step parent but my kids have step mums. The only time there's a problem is when they try to override or get involved in me and the kids fathers' legal decisions. It's important that step parents don't get involved in that way.
"Stepmum, don't say 'we' as it's not your child and it has nothing to do with you!"
"Stepmum, you should be treating that child like your own"
Referring to legal issues, did you even read the comment? Of course step parents should treat them as their own , that's just naturally expected, but they need to take a massive step back when it's for legal reasons. It's then that it's not their business .
I disagree on the treating them “as your own”. As a mum, step mum and partner of step dad I like my kids to be treated like neices or nephews - love them, care about them but accept your not the parent.
The worst thing that happens to step parents is when the actual parent is lacking. I feel terrible for the steppies left in this position. Been there and having an uncontrolled, unwell, unparented teen destroying the family is heartbreaking. Leaves you with no choice but to leave.
'As your own', meaning non biased and not playing favourites.
Nothing more .
Hi all after reading all the replies I would like to clarify a few things.
I’m a step parent and always refer to the child as my daughter because that’s what is expected except apparently on this page.
My husband and I have a daughter each and they are ours.
Many women say the step father should step up and help parent the child because you all live in the same house and it was his choice to take on that child. So why is a step mother different?
Also referring to the court things I also refer to it as we that is because the decisions that are made about how much custody to apply for directly affect you as a family unit not to mention the judge considers the step parent and the extended family as directly involved we have a family report coming up and they have stated not only my husband attends but so do I as well as my daughter and my parents because we are all significant people in the child’s life.
So yes the court expects the step parent to step up and be another parental figure in the child’s life and in many cases is given the right to step in and take control when the parent is not available eg at work. This information was provided by our family law solicitor.
So essentially the step parent has as much right as the parents to care for and love the child like their own in they eyes of the court this is actually a good thing.
Yes there are some crappy step parents out there but there are some really good ones that only want what is best for the child and to be able to love them like there own.
And many of them are really berated by many women on here. They come for love and support in difficult times I think some woman need to understand that a step parents love can be equal to the love of there own parents
I see that as completely overstepping. The child will always be the mother and fathers and choices about care and time shared will always be theirs. You are an adult and as such need to be safe and caring, fair but there is a line. You're comparing apples and oranges to support your own idea, different advice can be given for different situations because there is a line people can be either side of it.
It’s not your child, you can paint it anyway you want but if you break up tomorrow, you’re gone. Custody arrangements need to suit the biological parents, because they are the parents and are in it for the long haul, forever. The custody arrangement needs to ensure kids have a relationship with their parents, not you. They need to ensure you and your family are good person if child is spending time with you, but your wants and needs are irrelevant.
Obviously if mum is an absent parent, that is different.
Well said. And the two responses here prove your point.
Decisions have an impact in the whole family so it is imperative that both biological parent AND step parent are involved.
I disagree strongly! If anyone else referred toy children as theirs I would be devastated. If my ex re partners I expect that he should still do all the parenting. They would be a friend to my child. I detest the word step parent! My kids have two loving parents, they don’t need more.
As a step parent myself, it’s a bloody hard job. Dealing with the behaviour and attitudes from the children when they are old enough to know what they are doing is wrong but still loving and caring for them as your own. I don’t think step parents get enough credit and ppl automatically assume we are just wicked nasty people.
I've had a step dad and he is better then my own biological parents and the only one I still see.
My ex husband was an awful step dad unfortunately and has ruined relationships for my and my family.
My sons step mother has been awful. Punishing all kids for shit her boys do. She also demanded that my son live with them as he needed his father because he is a boy but then given the chance for 50/50 has declined and has shown my ex how to dodge child support legally. She is scum of the earth.
Being a step parent is only good for a small selection of people. I'm not sure I would be a good step mother and since I'm not sure I'm not inclined to even consider it.
Step mothering is so difficult and everyone has their opinions.
In a perfect world everyone would get along.
I was a terrible step mum, in retaliation to how I was treated by the Bio mum and the child. I felt isolated, bullied, and the child even admitted she was trying to break me and her father up.
I regret my part in not dealing with it better. Her father could have done a lot more too. But hindsight is wonderful.
But things are getting better now in my situation. Maturity with his daughter and from me too!
I think everyone’s personalities / ego gets in the way and it’s emotionally challenging. Mostly for the kids.
A lot of people are triggered when they see step mum posts. They type away with their own emotions unchecked.
Some people have a hard time finding empathy for other people’s struggles and are quick to judge. Seems the norm on social media.
Tough gig, I commend all step parents giving it a go in the best interests of the kids with the best they can. Not everyone is equiped with the tools in dealing with the hard situations And it would be wonderful if people could assess the situation and give constructive advice without judgement.