Partner of a very long time has a few associates that smoke ice. A few times over the last few months, I noticed odd behaviour, well different to his norm and it got me thinking... but I thought no way, he hates the stuff, he wouldn’t.
Anyway, I went to use his phone once and it was opened on a message where he was trying to score and to specifically keep it from me! I confronted him, he went off his head at me for going through his phone (which I didn’t) and left. Later calmed down apologising, saying he doesn’t know what he was thinking and didn’t go through with it. He sounded really believable - that time!
But the doubt was still in my mind. I bought a drug test and asked him to do it. He kinda beat around the bush but agreed he would do it when he had time. (I did ask as he was on his way out). I kinda forgot about it, so it never happened. A few odd things continued to happen randomly over the next few months. One time he got fair up me for opening the glovebox to get the car manual out. Like Wtf? There was an increase of socialising with said associates. And my mind kept ticking, So I went through his phone, found a stack of info that suggested he was smoking it. Went through his car, found a crack pipe!!
I CALMLY confronted him, and he went off his head at me. Like saying the most hurtful, hateful things to me. Threatening to bash my head in because I snooped through his phone and went through his car. He denied it was his and I got 3 different half stories that didn’t add up. Refused to do drug test. Said if I don’t trust him, there’s no point to our relationship. I’m starting to question my fucking sanity! I know going through his stuff crossed the line but I felt like I was being lied to. Is he reacting this way because he was caught out, or is it genuine reaction because I went through his stuff? It hasn’t been spoken about or sorted out yet. I tried to explain why I did it, he just says he doesn’t give a fuck. I shouldn’t have done it and now he can’t trust me.
Guilty or not?
Guilty or not?
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Behaviour
35 Replies
Ok. So he's using ice for sure, you're not crazy. All of those things together can't possibly be coincidence. He's starting to get an angry side which is when ice use gets frightening, I honestly would leave. If you're still interested in continuing the relationship then at least leave until he gets help and is completely clean.
Yep, definitely using. Leave, like run before it gets worse. I can honestly say after spending 8 years with an ice addict it never gets better only worse
Every sign was there, the majority of people would snoop to get a definitive answer.
This is you and your children’s life and future, which will be in the gutter if you stay with a user.
So enough guilt already about the snooping ❤️
He’s deflecting, what do you think the more pressing issue is, you being a snoop or him having a secret ice habit? It’s a joke that he says he can’t trust you, like seriously....
You need to put a plan together to leave and FYI people who don’t use, don’t generally hang out with those that do.
Friendship groups are like that, do you have any ice users in your group of friends?
Good luck, this vile drug has destroyed many families, the man you loved is gone, for now, hopefully he wakes up to himself. However, this is your cue to go, you have no responsibility to assist him as it is too dangerous for you and your kids.
Sending you love and light xxxx
The lady who did it for eight years, listen to her, she’s been there, she knows where this goes.
Mine did it for almost 15 years b4 finally getting clean. It was a long, awful, hard road.
I assume for not only you but your children also who didn’t get a choice.
They often get clean but don’t often stay clean. Being an addict never goes away. They are always one bad day away from using again. The cycle will keep repeating
Yes I have heard they are just one bad day away from another hit . After the 15 year addiction , my husband is now 6 years clean after 9 months of treatment including counciling , back then.
I think he is cured. He is no longer the awful person he was. Statistics show 80 percent of ice addicts undergoing treatment, will never relapse again.
I believe my husband is in that 80 percent.
*I wish this for all addicts xx
Ah yes mate. He's using. Not just once. You've caught him twice now (definitely) he keeps a pipe in his car, he's a user.
You're feeling mindfucked because he's doing that. And with the way he's gone off, be very careful about the way you confront him. If you want my 2c. There is no need to explain it. Get some men over and people around you. Move him out. Change the locks. Move on. If you really want to work with him. You still need to do that. Then go and speak to a doctor or a health nurse about testing that's available, and how you would go about seeing signs in future, how you would go about testing him etc. It would be months before he's proven he's clean, and because you can't tell you'll need to be extra careful for yourself. There really is no working through while staying together. They're bullshit artists. It's just something I wish someone would have told me.
He’s using, he’s already threatened violence....
I’d be getting myself out of there ASAP.
He is trying to deflect blame back to you, making you feel guilty when in this case you had a really good reason to do what you did. I wouldn’t trust him as far as I could throw him!
Deflection! Why would you even wait for an explanation! You always abandon a sinking ship! You don’t let it drown you!
Wish you the strength to seek better for yourself xx take care of you sweety
He’s using yours not crazy and he’s an arsehole.
Decide if you want to be with a drug addict or not? If not the answer is clear. He’s not even admitting he has a problem and if you stay you open yourself to continue to being treated badly. If you leave yes he may move on with someone else, probably with the same addiction. But you won’t be living with a drug addict who treats you badly and lies about his issues.
I should have left my ex when he and his mates started doing ekkies on the regular. But I didn’t and I regret it. He treated me badly made me think the issue was mine. The reality is the issue was his. Not mine. I had children to look after. I didn’t want to live with someone who used ekkies, speed, rock etc I just didn’t know how to leave. Yes he moved on, no he didn’t get help with his issues. You know what I was stronger without him and I am so much better off without him and his shit in my life. Do you, you come first not him.
Guilty, of course. Very sorry x
This sounds like my husband. This is how I caught him out and located a long history of meth abuse .
Your husband is a closet user . They always deny they use and you start feeling like you're going crazy . Hes using ice and lying about it . You are not going crazy .
You are definitely not going crazy. He is using. If I was you I would leave ASAP. I’m really sorry but he is being a bastard and it’s only going to get worse.
Classical drug user. Gets caught and blames everyone else but them self. Run DO NOT WALK!!!
This is 100% ice use, I know because I was you! My partner did this to me and I’d just had a baby and thought I was going fucking insane. He even called a family intervention on MY mental health after the baby to deflect from HIS drug use. It was humiliating and embarrassing to have his whole family rally around, take our baby for 3 nights, because they were worried about ME!! When all along he was hiding his drug use but no one but me would call him out on it.
I found a needle kit in his car (said it wasn’t his), a pipe (not his) point bags (not his), swabs to clean before injecting (not his)... none of it was his until the day he admitted he had a problem and it was his 🤦🏻♀️
You’re not crazy! You’re not wrong for snooping. Your gut said something was up and you’re right!
Only you can decide if you keep fighting for him. He won’t change until he can admit he has a problem. I wanna say run but don’t walk like other have but I know first hand it’s not that easy. I went though 2 years of hell, I wish some days I walked away but he’s clean now but will ALWAYS be one bad day away from relapse and if that happens this time I’m not staying around for the trauma again. I’m pretty sure I have PTSD from the crap he put me though but we’re doing okay now. Never ever again will I go through it again though.
That is shocking! I can't believe you're still with him.
We all have our reasons to stay. I was about to walk away the day he come clean (he didn’t know I was about to leave). It’s so important to remember that addiction changes a person, but as a loved one we still love the person they were before it all turned to shit. That’s the hardest thing to deal with. Grieving the living because the person you love has effectively died and been replaced with a person you don’t know but you know that person is still there somewhere too. My story isn’t so different to others sadly. You also get trapped in a cycle of ‘I can fix them’ (you can’t) if they love me enough they’ll change (they won’t), if I just hold on a little longer it’ll be ok (maybe - but how much is to much), I’ve invested so much into this relationship I can’t leave (no, you can leave when YOU'RE ready). Like an addict, a loved one has to make the choice to leave the relationship of their own free will..... for some this is harder then for others... but as I said ... we all have our reason for staying x
It's not so much the addiction but the fact he made you out to be crazy to so many people, you could have lost your child to that stunt. I would be so angry, that is unforgivable. That can't be blamed on drugs he was obviously of sound mind to organise it all, very cunning. He put you in front of a bus and made you think it was your fault and even gathered an audience to cement it.
I agree, deeply disturbing.
I wouldn’t turn my back on a guy like that, like a domesticated tiger, one day they will get you.
When someone shows you their true colours, you need to listen.
OP here. He is so adamant that he’s telling the truth and so mad at me for snooping. He thinks I get a thought in my head and I just run with it. Constantly looking for things to back my claim. There have been many more things ive noticed than what I’ve written and I honestly can’t see past the fact that it all indicates he’s using. But he continues to strongly deny it. It’s to the point that even my gut feeling is confused now. I mean, I know I haven’t dreamt these things up but I’m struggling to make sense of it if he really is telling the truth. My head hurts.
Don’t let him make you doubt yourself.
Next the anger will subside and he will start telling you how much he loves you, everything you want to hear.
Don’t fall for it.
Drug users are the most manipulative creatures you will ever encounter.
When you doubt yourself, come back to these comments.
Dear OP my partner (yes the one in this post) did the exact same to me. Said the exact same stuff. It feels like someone is writing my story though you. My partner strongly, even venomous denied using ICE. Said he wouldn’t do that to me and our family. How much he hated the drug. Could name ppl that left the stuff in his car. Said if I just let up about the drug use we wouldn’t be fighting and I wouldn’t be crying. He was mad at me snooping too. He refused drug test and when he did do the 5 panel drug test and it came back positive for meth he told me all the reasons it was wrong. Then 48hrs later said let’s do another test and when it came back positive for everything but cocaine told me how messed up and inaccurate the drug test was because if he’d used all these drugs (Meth, THC, amphetamines, opiates) he’d be ‘off his face’. I don’t know how he did that, but think he got some of his mates piss too.
Please know NONE of this is YOUR fault. You are NOT crazy. This is what they do! I was sooo messed up I remember crying to a friend saying “what if it (the test) comes back negative does this mean I’m sick and something is wrong with me” the test came back positive. Please please for the love of god do NOT be like me!! Trust that beautiful gut before it gets any more confused and hurt. I lost 2 years of my life to this manipulation, the games, the hurt, the tears and the pain.... so much pain. He told me I was over thinking, or reading to much on google. Told me to go talk to a druggy, told me to get a drug habit and see he wasn’t one. So much. To much. My heart bleeds for you. Because I was you.
The reason you feel so confused is because, deep down, you know his behavior isn't right but you desperately want to believe it's the truth. It's your gut and brain sounding alarm bells. I know because this was me. Spent years with an alcoholic partner, the stories he told, explanations, lies. To the point where I was doubting what I'd seen with my own eyes. But even though on the surface I believed, deep down I knew he was being false. You will come to this realisation, seems you are close now. There might be a few things that bring you closer to this realisation. For me one was when my psychologist asked whether it was normal in a relationship to not feel I could leave my purse with my partner (he would steal my money). That just crystallized for me how stuffed up our relationship was, I wasn't crazy and there was something wrong. FYI those awful feelings of confusion and doubt disappeared once we were no longer together. It is not you, it is him.
It has a name, cognitive dissonance.
Far out I'm just reading these now . My husband has a 15 year addiction, clean 6 yrs now .
I just want to say he drove me to the brink of insanity with his outrageous lies and stealing money from me that whole time.
I often thought of taking my own life just to end the trauma of what he was subjecting me mentally to.
We too are still together after a period of separation when I could take no more . That's when he finally got clean . We are still working on the loose ends of the addiction to this day though such as him maintaining employment and building up the last few percent of trust back. It's a battle that still lasts long after addiction ends, just to pick up the pieces that the addiction itself destroyed, let alone the ice use on it's own. But we have never been happier now. I no longer think about harming myself to escape it . I no longer have images of picking up a knife to slit my own wrists,, stab my own legs and slash my own throat. It's been a long time since I've thought that way all because of what he allowed ice to do to us.
But it's in the past. Its Finally over , but Never forgotten.
Your stories have made me see that I too, was never alone. Thank you .
I’m the commentator that had her partner call the intervention on me after we had our baby. Thank you for your story.... I felt the same. So low at times I wanted to die to end my own conflict and confusion. It helps as well to know I was not alone and loved ones watching someone struggle with addiction feel the way I did (and you did). I needed help of ‘Lives lives Well’ (op look into this for your own state I am in QLD) I went and saw them and they helped me feel less crazy so I was able to put thing in place for when I was ready to leave. He came clean though and then stated seeing them himself. Recovery is possible when they want it. Always remember it is when THEY want to say I need help and then take the right steps to get it
You know what. Disregard everything you wrote except for the bit where he threatened to bash your head in. HE THREATENED TO BASH YOUR HEAD IN.
Where is the love or respect, or even basic human decency in that.
Now add all the rest back in.
He's not the same man anymore and you owe THIS man absolutely fucking nothing.
Get professional help to help you through the grieving process.
Exactly what I am going through. Your husband is an ice addict and it is only going to get worse as his addiction increases. Sadly it will increase, ice addicts do not realise how much they change for this drug. Attitude, personality, violence, neglect,all come with an addict. You have every right to do everything you have done. Your relationship started going down hill when he started lying about the drugs. He is blaming you because you found out his dirty little secret. They lie, cheat, steal, manipulate, and basically do what ever they have to, to get their next fix. You are in for one hell if a bumpy ride. Expect alot of denial, aggression, blame, narsasistic behaviour, and tantrums. Be safe yourself, I can not describe the aggression that these addicts can have. If you can muster up the courage get out now before it gets too bad.
Yes he’s guilty. Reading your post sent me back. Although my husband told me (a friends wife had threatened to tell me) and he swore he’d quit. I saw all the signs you did I had just ignored them. He relapsed a few times got clean for over 6 months then relapsed again, he lied deceived spend any money we had a pushed me and our kids away. I finally had enough and asked him to leave. He panicked and refused said he’d get help. And he DID he started going to NA 7 days a week made new clean friends and has been clean for 5 years in a couple of weeks. He is an amazing husband, I can’t thank NA enough for giving me my husband back, to be honest our marriage has never been better! He still goes to meetings twice a week and has a sponsor. I wish you the very best. But if you decide to stay please get seperate bank accounts, pay bills immediately and move money. If you have expensive jewellery leave it with friends or family the same with anything of value. You can’t force him to give up, it needs to be his decision. Rehab is the best idea, and NA.
HES GUILTY... GET OUT NOW BEFORE IT GETD WORSE!
You aren’t going crazy. He is definitely doing it himself. I could have written this exact post myself 4 yrs ago. My husband thankfully recovered from this but it is a very long road and very, very tough. You really need to decide whether this is a fight you want to have or not. My husband’s mental health will NEVER be the same and he’s now on medication for probably the rest of his life. I would not wish this predicament on my worst enemy. We had 2 small children at the time and I was pregnant with our third when I found out. She saved his life. If you have no children to fight for then I honestly would not go through it. The trust takes years to even come close to what it was before. You’ll always be wondering if he’s relapsed. You’ll monitor his behavior so closely that every time he does something out of the ordinary you’ll start thinking he’s relapsed. I also lost most of my family because they refused to stand by and watch me fight for my husband. We were one of the lucky ones. And still 4 years later we are just as financially fucked as we were when he quit. He destroyed us financially. We’ll now never own our own house because of the position he put us in. Please think long and hard before you put your life and your wellbeing on the line for this man. Good luck.
You aren’t going crazy. He is definitely doing it himself. I could have written this exact most myself 4 yrs ago. My husband thankfully recovered from this but it is a very long road and very, very tough. You really need to decide whether this is a fight you want to have or not. My husband’s mental health will NEVER be the same and he’s now on medication for probably the rest of his life. I would not wish this predicament on my worst enemy. We had 2 small children at the time and I was pregnant with our third when I found out. She saved his life. If you have no children to fight for then I honestly would not go through it. The trust takes years to even come close to what it was before. You’ll always be wondering if he’s relapsed. You’ll monitor his behavior so closely that every time he does something out of the ordinary you’ll start thinking he’s relapsed. I also lost most of my family because they refused to stand by and watch me fight for my husband. We were one of the lucky ones. And still 4 years later we are just as financially fucked as we were when he quit. He destroyed us financially. We’ll now never own our own house because of the position he put us in. Please think long and hard before you put your life and your wellbeing on the line for this man. Good luck.