Hello mums. I am writing with a heavy heart that just doesn’t know what to do anymore. I have a 9 year old son who has been verbally and physically abusive to me, his dad and his older sibling (not younger) for 2 years now. He has a stable home life, absolutely no abuse whatsoever towards him, No big changes, great friends, sport - the works. No exposure to abuse either. When he gets angry he swears & calls us horrible names and sometimes even kicks holes in the walls, damages property (iPad, doors etc). Usually when he can’t get his own way and he has been told no. He argues the point for everything. From brushing his teeth, to getting off iPads, eating dinner, any rules etc. He has been seeing a psychologist (2 different ones) for 2 years now. No improvement. If anything it’s gotten worse. He has no problems at school at all so they won’t diagnose him with anything. He has good grades, good social life and can control himself at school. He’s a well liked kid to people who don’t see this side. At home he can be horrible to his older sister who is 12 calling her names, saying he hopes she dies etc. He calls his parents a F**k**g Cu*t etc all the horrible names. When he’s in a rage he will physically harm myself and his father kicking, hitting etc. Sometimes he will hit his older sister but that’s rare.
He knows it’s wrong, he’s always remorseful and a great kid when he’s not raging. He just argues everything, all the time. One of the biggest challenges is when we do consequences he argues that his sister didn’t have that punishment when she did X, he will constantly compare the management of consequences to other siblings with his which aren’t comparable due to their nature (minor vs what I have written). We have tried it all, removing all of his technology (currently has none), no friends, no sport, positive enforcement, spending time together, limiting our own swearing, natural consequences, counselling, having the teacher talk to him. I just don’t know what to do anymore, I want to have a good relationship with my son but it’s so hard when he’s like this I feel it’s damaging our relationship plus effecting my marriage, my other children especially my older child who doesn’t deserve this. Does anyone have any advice (please be kind it’s really hard reaching out and talking about my son like this).
7 Replies
Has he been given anger management tools to deal with his feelings before it escalates?
What is his go to when he feels himself getting angry, like a run, a ride on a bike?
What are his coping mechanisms?
Can he stay somewhere else for a while until you gather what you can do next?
Also call on child protective services. They are not just for abused kids, they are also for kids who abuse . They may have some suggestions too.
Behavioural therapy? A weekly program.
I would rewind and see a pediatrician and start eliminating anything that could be causing this. It can't be nothing, this is not normal behaviour. Keep pushing until you get some answers.
Next time he harms him self or rages ring police and ambos. It may just scare him enough and teach him a few skills and get him some help. How awful for you. Also get him into some kind of self defence class eight discipline which might help him get the anger out. He may have also suffered some trauma that you don’t know about. He could be reacting to trauma of some sort. Poor kid, it’s awful when they don’t even understand themselves. I would def ring police and ambos. He’s going to get a lot worse. My son did go through a stage 9-11and it’s passed now he is 12 I think hormones kicking in has a lot to do with it too. They don’t know what’s happening or how to deal with it.
We went through similar with our son between the age of 9 and 11. He wouldn’t swear but did bite, kick, hit a couple of time’s and destroyed his room, had meltdowns where he looked possessed. Took him to a psychologist who said there was nothing wrong with him. My advice... set out the rules and expectations, set out the consequences and follow through no matter what. Make the consequences achievable so that you are more likely to follow though. Get rid of all technology and social media. Find out what he likes and get him involved in a team sport or tai kwondo ( that’s what our son loves) or if he’s not into teams, get him into an exercise class. Keep him busy... boys can’t deal with boredom... get his Dad to teach him how to build things, fix things, go fishing etc. Keep him active. Give him some techniques on how to cope with his feelings. Tell him it’s ok to feel rage but it’s not ok to let it out in a way that’s hurts others. Don’t discipline him straight up. Wait until he has calmed down to do it to avoid it escalating. You need to get him under control now before he gets bigger. There may be things going on at school that you don’t know about? Maybe get to know his friends parents and organise coffee dates do you can involve yourself more. Our son is 13 now and a different kid. I cried many tears over it and I’m sure you have to, it’s friggen hard, but you need to help him now before it’s to late. You said he knows he’s done the wrong thing and is remorseful so that’s a good sign that you can help him. Good luck x
Your son is 9 and going through a massive surge in testosterone. He's also not able to articulate his feelings or has the ability to navigate and control his reaction to big feelings (anger, anxiety). Being able to communicate and control these feelings and reactions are higher reasoning skills that don't come until later. That part of his brain isnt fully developed.
I would change his therapy to cognitive behavioural therapy so an expert can equip him with the tools to be able to communicate that he's getting overwhelmed. Physical activity is the best activity for regulating overactive hormones (aside from medication) maybe get him a boxing bag or some kind of apparatus that he can use in the moment of big emotions caused by a testosterone surge. This phase will most likely end around 11 and then return in his early teens.
Your son isnt broken or evil, this is a normal developmental stage, he just hasn't been taught how to handle whats going on with his body. If you teach him he has mental health issues because he can't articulate "mum I'm feeling unreasonably angry, I have the urge to break something right now so I'm going to walk the block to calm down" that will cause longer lasting damage. The biggest damage you can do is expecting a 9 year old to react to situations he has no control over (testosterone surge) like an emotionally mature adult.
Please do some reading on the cognitive behavior of adolescents, it will help you navigate this developmental phase.