Not for facebook please!
My son is 13, he has a best friend that he met last year (also 13). This young lad is currently dealing with the separation of his parents.
I don't know his parents overly well but based on what I do know, Mr 13 has been completely overlooked in this situation.
I also don't think this boy has many, if any people in his life to debrief or talk about all this with so he's been really opening up to my son.
My son has never really had any direct experience with separations or break ups, myself and his dad have been happily married for nearly 20 years, the rest of our very small immediate family are also either happily married or have been single for as long as my son would remember.
My son has mentioned to me that he wants to be supportive of his mate but he doesn't really know what to say, especially when his mate is talking about meeting new step parents when his parents have only been separated literally for a few weeks.
From what my son has mentioned, this poor kid is hurt, angry, confused and is being shipped from pillar to post.
My own parents divorced when I was a kid but back then it was something shameful and embarrassing so I didn't tell a soul about my parents separation, my biggest fear was that someone would find out (which now seems silly as I'm sure everyone knew, it would have been quite the juicy local gossip). My point is that based on my own experiences, I don't really have any good advice for my son besides just listening and empathising.
My son also struggles a bit with anxiety, I know this has kind of imbedded the idea of myself and his dad potentially separating. As I said earlier, we're happily married but this boy was completely blindsided by the news of his parents splitting, I think my sons is now worried that may happen to him (despite my reassurance).
I also know as an anxiety sufferer myself that getting too emotionally invested in other people's problems is a heavy burden to take on, sometimes it's too much to take on, especially for a kid.
So my question, how do I help my son help his mate without it becoming detrimental to him?
3 Replies
Call the school and ask that a school councillor reach out to this boy. They won't need to bring up yours or your sons name. Let them take it from here.
Encourage him to be a true mate, ask if his friend wants him to come to the school counsellor with him, maybe get your boy to study up just a little on how his friend is feeling so even if he doesn't know how it feels he understands. If he doesn't have access to transport and wants to seek help from Headspace etc, offer to give the young fella a lift.
Firstly, well done on being a good example for your son and for raising a kid who is sensitive to the needs of others.
You and your son can help support the other boy by giving him a safe place to be when things are hard at home and letting him know there are other people that he can contact like kids helplines if he wants to and help him to find them.
It’s probably a really good idea for you, as the adult, to contact the school and speak to some kind of councillor about the boy and your concerns. Ultimately, they have the training and access to the right resources to help—but this needs to be done very carefully because it could cause the boy to feel like he has been betrayed. Maybe a first step is to ask your son if they think he would be open to talking to the school councillor and if so, he might actually be the best person to make that suggestion and offer to go with him if he wants that. Boys can be hard to get to open up and it’s a really fine line you have to walk to get them to do that and to trust you and then not to make them regret it.
Another thing you could consider is to invite his mother out for a coffee and begin to grow a friendship that might lead to them having dinner or something at your house. It could mean that you are setting an example if she sees you asking questions of both boys over dinner for example, and maybe it might lead to the kind of friendship that will allow you to ask her ‘how is Billy coping with the separation?’ I’m not saying that she needs an example as in she is clueless, and nor that you should get any more involved than you feel comfortable with, but sometimes we get so caught up in our own shit we just forget how we are meant to act and be there for our kids (her) and that sometimes it’s just as easy as inviting someone for a coffee and a bit of conversation.