Long, please be patient.
TW: domestic violence, alcohol abuse and child protective services
I’ve written in before. Mine is the ex husband who won’t pay child support because he gets paid cash for working on his partners farm. He’s also the ex I’ve written in about before, who rings up and leaves messages on my phone when I’m at work, alleging things like Child Protection have been in contact with him and have told him I use marijuana and that I’ve moved out of home and left the children there, and he claims he has dash cam footage of me smoking bongs in my car.
My middle son is the one I have written in about before, who has mental health issues, is refusing to take his meds and who has been suicidal. This is also the boy who was hanging around with juvenile delinquents before lockdown and who got into trouble with the police on one occasion.
Two weeks ago, he contacted the boys to ask if they wanted to come up for the week. The youngest and middle boy wanted to.
Ex came down (he lives in the Victorian high country and comes to town for shopping) and picked up the youngest. He only had his missus’ farm ute so he couldn’t take both boys. I asked if it’s ok if I take the middle boy up later in the day. He said it’s ok.
So, later that day, Mr 14 and I went up the mountain. At around 6pm, I dropped him off, did a u turn outside their property so I could leave, and the ex comes running down the drive yelling and screaming at me to “get back here you cnt of a thing, what the fck do you think you’re playing at, etc), and starts bashing the back of my car whilst screaming unintelligibly.
I was terrified and drove off at speed and went to sit outside the general store until my hands stopped shaking and I felt safe to drive.
My younger son snap chatted me that dad is drunk and throwing Mr 14s clothes out of his bag in the mud, looking for drugs. He didn’t have drugs.
A short while later, Mr 14 rang me and told me to get the cops as dad has hurt someone. I asked what happened. He told me that dad was going off, chucked his things in the dirt, screaming and yelling and threatening to grab the rifle if Mum comes back, and another boy who lives there, his partners 16 year old adoptive son, came out and yelled at my ex, telling him to shut up and leave Mr 14 alone. Ex has then seized this boy by the hair and started slamming him into the door jamb, cutting his head and giving him a black eye. Mr 16 has then gone off and grabbed a scooter handle and belted my ex over the head with it and broken his nose.
I called the local policeman, who didn’t answer, so I rang 000.
They attended the premises about an hour later (they had to come from a fair distance.
In this time, the 16 year old ran off to a mates place and I told my sons to come down the street to the shop and I took them home.
My ex lied to the police. He and his partner told them I dropped off Mr 14 without permission, that the only reason he came to their house was to smoke bongs with the older boy, and that Mr 16 hit him first.
A day later, the local policeman rang me and asked if I can take in the 16 year old, as he’s been kicked out and has no where to go, so of course, I went to get my sons step brother and bring him somewhere safe.
He’s been here 2 weeks now. He’s fine, well behaved and good mannered.
Last week I got a call from CPS, as my sons and the other boy have been exposed to domestic violence and they needed to check they are ok. Which is fine of course.
They came to talk to us all, and to ask what happens at the ex’s house. We all told them the truth, that he’s violent, his mood changes in an instant and he drinks at least a bottle of spirits a day and has a long history of cannabis usage. I also asked them if CPS ever ring the other parent who doesn’t have the kids and tell him if I’m doing bad things. They said they do not, and they asked me if he has a history of mental illness.
CPS seemed ok with the situation at my house, except for the state of Mr 14s bedroom, which is absolutely disgusting and squalid. I offer to help him clean it up. Sometimes he allows me to, other times he refuses. Since he’s always home due to COVID-19, I can’t just barge in and start chucking stuff out. As gross and inappropriate as his room is, it’s his personal space.
They also know I have autism. They have offered me some help with getting on NDIS as they believe I need it. I’m not sure I do. I think I function ok. I’m a disability support worker for less functional people on the spectrum. They’ve also offered help with Mr 14 and his mental health needs, which is awesome and I really hope he will engage with this.
I’m not too sure why I am writing this, I think I might need to debrief a bit about something that was pretty scary.
*editted to tell you that despite what my ex thinks, I don’t smoke weed, not even cigarettes
28 Replies
My advice would be to start the NDIS process. It doesn’t matter that you are capable of holding down a job helping others with less skills. Autistic burn out is a thing, and we (I’m autistic and ‘pass’) get more warn out than other people and that’s when things start to slip.
It might mean access to more psychologist appointments for yourself and someone to do some cleaning/gardening.
Let someone take some of the load off of you.
I tried reading this but struggled to get past the fact you left both of your children with a violent drunk that was smashing up your car and just sat in the car. Not making contact with the children or police until your son had called you to tell you he had be assaulted
Not the IM but just think it's a cycle of incredible toxicity. I feel so heartbroken for the children. They have been exposed to such trauma. No one is breaking the cycle. This will continue to happen.
I have lived this cycle as a child. I brought 2 children into this world to a very violent and toxin man, but I broke the cycle. This is such a let down to the children. How can you as a parent leave you children in a home with a drunk screaming about having a gun and assaulting children. But considering the first thing she writes is about child support I can see where her priorities are
Oh get fucked!!! I did NOT LEAVE THEM THERE!!!
He was yelling at me, so I drove off.
I had NO idea he had those things or was drunk when I left.
When I drove off I did NOT know he was drunk or had assaulted anyone or had mentioned a gun.
I only knew about this when my son rang me a short while later and I got the cops 👮♀️
No, this will NOT continue to happen because I am never sending my kids to their stupid fucked up father ever again after this.
I didn’t KNOW he was drunk at the time, all I knew was he was screaming at me and hitting my car. He’s never hurt the kids ever.
And it wasn’t MY son who was assaulted
The first thing mentioned is child support because the poster has used this to describe the other times she's written in.
It has nothing to do with this story but sets the stage for what has come before.
If you don't comprehend what you read, and aren't asking for clarification but just being an asshole, maybe you shouldn't comment on it?
Anyone else would have probably called the police when their ex was acting so erratically, drunk or not. However, I think you’re so conditioned to the crazy, it’s wasn’t that big of a deal to you. Most of us wouldn’t have let our kids stay with a man swearing and screaming and clearly out of control. I probably would have driven up the road, waited, called the cops, when they came got my kids back. You get used to things, the fact you said he attacked the other kid, not yours, shows youre kind of used to his behaviour.
He also doesn’t need to be physical to hurt your kids, there’s a lot of other damage that can be done.
It’s probably good in a way that this happened, that he went next level, now you and your family can get the help you need. Now you can really see what this man is, you can’t ignore it anymore.
Also, when the kids were brave enough to tell CPS what happens regularly at their dads house, we’re you surprised or did you know all this?
You already shouldnt have been leaving them there. At least now you have the authorities on side. Make it permanent ans get all of those children help. And as said, above, get yourself help because you accept things that are just not ok, and you let your kids down when you do nothing in those situations.
I mean weren’t you worried after phone call one?
Why did your poor son have to ring again?!?
You say he’s violent, a drinker, a weed smoker.....
Trying so hard to be compassionate but it’s bloody hard.
You drove away in fear, you were shaking and yet left them there with that monster.
Don’t you think they were scared when he was banging on your car, screaming and yelling?
What about their fear?
No, I did not know all this. I knew he got grumpy and yelled some times, but I had no idea he drank a bottle of spirits a night, plus beers and regular punch ons with him and his missus were a thing. If I had, I wouldn’t have sent my sons there.
Get as much help on board as possible. You all need help. You have been in such a toxic cycle of crap that I don't think you can see the wood for the trees. You need help. Your kids need help. Get whatever help you can get, then ask for more. None of this is ok or remotely normal.
If you didn’t know, you need to ask yourself why?
Why aren’t your children confiding in you about such traumatic shit happening at their dads?
You need to build your relationships with them, so you have open communication.
The signs were there, your son is struggling, did you not question what happens at dads place?
Because children adapt, they internalise everything that happens and it becomes their fault.
Because they think that if they see something happening (or experience it) that others do and if nothing is done it's because it's normal.
Because they already see what is on mum's plate and don't want to make it worse.
Because they love dad and don't want to get him in trouble, or they've been told not to tell.
The abuse cycle is one of NOT telling. We do what we know until we know better.
Yes they should have told, but we don't live in a perfect world while scum sucking assholes like this are allowed to breathe.
Thankfully the time has come that this IM knows better and is on the way to taking those next steps to help protect their kids and heal the damage done. Part of that is finally going to be breaking their silence which is a monumental time in a childs life and they start to learn those skills for "telling" where they feel safe and secure doing so.
Do you honestly believe she had no idea?
Read her other comments and the bit about “we” told the police what he is like.
Please, she knows what this man is and capable of, she’s written previously about him.
She’s just put her head in the sand because he hasn’t beaten them yet.
That wasn't what was asked?
Yes, I believe she didn't know he was drinking the amount he was. Yes, I believe she didn't know he had a gun there. Yes, I believe she thought he was only being a fuckwit banging and yelling because she was there. I've seen it happen.
She's never claimed to not know that he's a piece of shit.
I got to tell the cops what my dad was like too, after he killed someone. You honestly think anyone gave a fuck what he was like to his wife and kids before that? He was just our normal.
Take a look around, it happens a lot more than many want to admit. Why do you think it's called a cycle of abuse? It's her normal too...
I just want to say I am so proud of you.
What a tough predicament, long term, to be in and I'm glad you're finally strong enough to say no fucking more.
Take the support if it's offered, you can leave if you change your mind.
Encourage your young fella to take the support offered to him, it's rare to be offered TBH and there is no shame in needing a bit of a hand sometimes. He needs to take this opportunity wholeheartedly and take complete advantage of it if he wants to break this cycle he's in. I know when they're young they don't see a way forward but life is much brighter with the blinkers off.
What a cunt of a man to turn up to pick up his kids and not even have room in the car for them all. Beyond everything else which is much more fucked up - who even does that!
I hope the new missus got a wake up call too.
I don’t believe this was a random\isolated event, probably more severe but I’m sure there’s been a lot happen that isn’t okay. I’m sure your exes issues are the reason your son has issues. Please, don’t send your children there again ever. They need protection.
Take all the supports they are offering, your family is in crisis, you can’t see it because you’re still in the fog, but things will get better. I guarantee, getting that dickhead out of you and children’s life is the first step to a brighter future. If he comes near you, you call the police and you get an avo/Dvo, whatever they are called and you follow through. You won’t believe how things change when you get rid of that toxic in your life, you’ll look back and won’t believe all the shit you and your kids have gone through. Good luck, sending you light and love.
You drove off at speed out of fear and went and sat in your car until you could stop shaking, but felt it was perfectly safe to leave your children there. I’m really can’t decide who is the worse parent in this situation
Considering I don’t abuse people and carry on like a fuckwit, I’d say it isn’t me.
My husband has hurt me before. He has never hurt the kids. If I went back and told them to get in the car, I was afraid I would be assaulted.
My sons have never been assaulted by their dad.
It’s ok though. Next time I have any interaction with this man in person, I will be bringing protection with me.
But you willingly took the chance of leaving them with a dangerous person after they acted like that. You chose to drive away, you chose to not protect them. You have so many excuses but you are just as much to blame for what your children had to go through. If you need protection so do you children. You have commented a lot saying owe but he hasn’t hurt the kids before blah blah blah, but you took the chance that he would. Then didn’t even try to get them back until what, 2 distressed whine calls later? You decided maybe was the right time to get them out and call the cops? Wouldn’t that have been the first thing you did, I mean you were that terrified to were shaking right?
The first wasn’t a phone call it was a Snapchat from my younger son. He told me dad chucked his brothers stuff in the mud and was yelling. I asked him then if he wanted me to come and get him and his brother and he said no dad will calm down soon and I want to go play with my mates. A short while later when the older boy who’s things had been tossed everywhere rang me up, and told me what else was happening, and that dad said if Mum comes back he’s getting the rifle then I DID ring the police immediately. I asked the policeman if I should go get the boys and he said no, but if I can get them to come to me I could try that instead but I was NOT to go in case he did have a rifle.
I rang my son back and told him and his brother the cops are coming and can they please go to the end of the street and I’ll get them.
And needless to say, this man won’t ever see his kids again. He doesn’t deserve to.
I’m not sure what you are trying to explain here? It doesn’t make you sound any better
There are some people here who don't understand what it's like to have an abusive ex. My ex is abusive too and I don't know how many times I have been yelled at or threatened at drop off or pick ups but I do know it's aimed at me, if I get out of there quickly then the sooner he goes back to "normal" and my kids don't need to witness it longer than they have to.
OP you did the right thing at the time. If you stayed, the boys probably would have witnessed you get beaten then they probably would have got beaten too trying to protect you and with a gun on the property ... who knows what would have happened if your ex felt overpowered by 3 boys. A man who obviously likes to not be overpowered. You're also doing great taking in your children's step brother. Please ignore any negative feedback you get. You're a survivor, so are your kids, don't forget it.