Hi everyone, sorry it’s a long one...
My ex husband and I have been divorced for 10 years. We have 3 children together. And we have both moved on and had further children with our respective partners.
My issue is that my children don’t want to go to their dads. And I feel like I’m continually ‘forcing’ them to go so they maintain their relationship with him. They are 15, 13 and 11. They have had issues with his wife from day dot, and it’s just getting worse. Every single thing is an issue with her, from what toothpaste they take to their dads, to my eldest child’s work clothes smelling like oil when they finish their shift (works in fast food).... she is nasty, condescending, constantly belittles them, whinges and bitches about me to my kids, it goes on and on.
When we separated I told myself I would never keep my children from their father, as our issues were between the 2 of us, not them... but the constant backlash from her is exhausting. They only see him once a month (his wishes) and I spend the week after they’ve been there trying to return my kids back to their ‘normal’ happy selves... and then the lead up to going to his house is full of frustration and anger on their part.
I have been advised that legally there is no way I would get 100% care. I just don’t know what else to do. My kids are amazing people, and I’m not just saying that as their mum. They don’t deserve to be treated the way they are when they are with their dad. It breaks my heart hearing the stories when they return.
8 Replies
I went through this too. Just stop forcing them. Let them make their own minds up. He can take you to court but in my experience they don't care too much about older kids care arrangements, sad but true. Whatever they put on paper is useless if a child refuses to go anyway. Document it all if you haven't already.
How long ago did you receive that advice?
I’d encourage but not force.
Personal experience the courts let teenagers make up there own minds.
Stop forcing them. I decided it wasn’t up to me to damage my relationship with them forcing them to go somewhere the were not happy.
I support their decision (same ages) and remind them that whatever they want to do is fine with me. They have to have a safe place when it’s so toxic.
What has their father said about it?
This is really mentally damaging, I would stop visits if they don’t want to go.
If it went to court, they are old enough to say what they want.
Oh your poor kids, that is awful 😔
Does their father do anything at all to stop this?
Perhaps get your kids to write down things that have happened, maybe their father will realise once he sees it written in front of him how much she is really damaging them. I'm only saying this because they may be saying one or two things to him in regard to her treatment or not at all and he's oblivious because it's only once a month so he brushes it under the rug.
I would otherwise only encourage them to go but don't force them. Give them the option and help and support them to explain it to their father if/when he questions it.
This legitimately sounds like my childhood.... please don’t force them.. it does more harm then good in the long run. Trust me! I was emotionally abused by my step mum from the age of 1 till i was old enough to defend myself (aka just had enough of it) and decided on my own that i wasnt going there. My relationship was effected with my dad but since moving out of home/being an adult and he finally left her. We have a really close relationship now. But it can’t be good when he is with her. Or if you force them to go... it just creates resentment.
I am a stepmum myself. People like this, that treat children like shit, who came along after children, absolutely piss me off. Being a stepparent is a choice, if she didn’t want to be a stepparent she chose the wrong man. But the part that pisses me off even more is that the father isn’t standing up for his own children. WTF! I love and provide for my steppies as much as my own. Everyone is treated equally. I go without so ALL children can have everything they need. Why can’t everyone be accepting? And the fact you have to send toothpaste with them, wtf come on. They need to pull their fingers out of their asses. They are not setting a great example at all. I would either organise mediation with their father and this dragon and tell them it’s now the children’s choice if they have a relationship and visit them, as they as adults have made the choice to be assholes.