So 4 years ago, my partner had quite a big heart procedure. Probably as big as they come. And ever since then, his recovery has been amazing. Honestly, 99% of the time, you can't even tell there was anything wrong. The doctors were always quite cagey about life expectancy and we sort of moved on with our lives. We both work, have family, the usual.
Through my work and experience, along with studies conducted, apparently after 8 years post op, is when things start to go... wrong. I never actually shared this bit of info with him. We don't dwell on stuff, we always been such a great unit. He is active at work and with kids. Even after the op, he was up and out of hospital in record time.
So it has been really, really strange that in the last 2 or so weeks, completely out of the blue, he has refered a few times to when he's no longer with us. I laugh at him and call him am idiot etc. But he has this...look. A serious look, like he wants to get a message thru to me. And my chest just hurts. Because I thought I was protecting him. I keep asking if he is feeling ok, if anything is wrong/feels different and he dismisses it, saying all is ok. He doesn't like drawing attention to himself or his heart, so this has been really unnerving.
Do you think he is having a bit of a premonition? Or has he Googled it? We are not ready for this. I'm not ready for this. The future is lightyears away for me. We have too much life to live.
19 Replies
Of course he has googled, had chats to his doctors etc. unless you stood right next to him 100% of the time and in ALL of his hospital stays and medical appointments he has had the opportunity to ask medical professionals his status and his doctors, and nurses had a duty of care to tell him his status and future prognosis and they would have made time to explain to him at some point.
I think you’ve probably been deceiving yourself if you believe you could protect him from the facts.
😭 I guess you are right. I remember when it was first discussed all those years ago. And he was so blaise, like 'yep, it is what it is, no stress mate.'
Well he heard what the doctor said when you were there. Of course he knows. I think you wanted to think that he hadn’t really heard it because it made you feel better.
He heard it.
If your such a good unit why did you lie to him?
Excuse me? I have never lied to him. I have been trying to protect him. Or may be myself and the kids a bit. I think he's been trying to protect me in a way too.
You tried to hold back information about his mortality regarding a major surgery. How is that not lying
Seriously I don't think she's lying to him 🤣
You are being so mean.
People cope with traumatic events differently. It’s not uncommon for people to forget facts or things that happen around these times.
My sister often has to give people terrible medical news and often has to repeat herself multiple multiple times with the patient and there families.
Deep down the OP knew her husband knew.
She didn’t believe he had truly taken that information in though and so played a trick on herself hoping he didn’t know.
Seriously? She googled it, it’s open information, do you tell your husband everything you google? If she’d gotten his test results or something and never told him that’s different but to say she’s lying because she googled something is one hell of a stretch
8 years is a really long time for medical advancement. The prognosis could change drastically in almost a decade. Assuming that it related to his circumstances anyway I.e. age, etc not just procedure. Don't forget that the prognosis was based on a Google search, not his specific circumstances. I think she did the right thing leaving it at what his doctors told him!
You are an idiot!!!! Unless you have been through this then shut your trap!!! move along.
Far out. I get why people don't bother posting here. People just jump down people's throats without actually reading what was being asked. People suck.
Hiya! So I had a heart operation, a major one. I am assuming you are discussing a transplant? Anyways..
I was young and my parents didn't give me all the info. However, I sure as heck did my own research and found out things that weren't explained to me directly. I still ask heaps of questions to my cardio when I see him and find out things that no one ever told me :)
So yeah, he's probably done some research himself!
OP here
Do you think I don't go to the appointments with him? That I don't attend his 6 monthly appointments with his cardiologist? Do you not think we've organised things financially and in respect to our 2 kids? Do you not think that he's trying to protect me, as I've been trying to protect him? Don't you think that I think about this all the time? That some days I jump into the shower to cry? Don't you think it literally tears me apart to even think the impact it'll have on our children.
I am the commenter above, and as someone who has experienced this - as much as this is hard to say.. it isn't about you. Whatever he is feeling (there's a lot of dark and scary moments) just isn't about you. Of course, you have built up a life together and it concerns you and your family, I am absolutely not denying that.
This is the one time he can be selfish and it be about him.
It sounds like you potentially have a lot of angst and emotional investment in this, to the point of maybe not thinking on a rational level. Can I suggest maybe chatting to your GP and considering a mental health care plan? So that you can discuss your worries and troubles freely :) I would suggest the same for him too, to see someone and just keep on top of the emotional toll and divide it is bringing you.
Please don't take the above nastily, it isn't intended to be. But he is probably just as scared and unsure as you especially if he has done some research. It might be time to sit down in some therapy together and really open up about your fears. But please, don't be overbearing. That is the hardest part that I struggle with - that someone else seems to care more than me.
I deleted my original comment because I completely disregarded the emotional toll this would be taking on the whole family when I wrote my first response, so for that I am sorry.
So now I'll try again.
I think for your emotional peace of mind, you should try not to over analyse a funny look or a moment of dark humor and turn it into some sort of sign or premonition because you'll absolutely torture yourself with 'what ifs'.
Try and ask him to be direct with you. If there's something weighing on his mind or if he's just not feeling right or maybe if he just needs some reassurance - it's better if he just up and tells you, because again, it's the unknown that's the scary part.
Perhaps some therapy may also be good for you both, to come to terms with his condition and to emotionally prepare as best you can for what the future holds.
He knows and even if he doesnt, hes experienced his time being up and now knows it could happen again. It changes the way you think.
As someone who has major health issues, I often keep to myself. This is because most of the time you end up comforting the people around you. In the event that I have tried to open up and someone has called me an idiot or brushed me off is the last time I would ever engage in a vulnerable conversation. As much as you don't like to think about it, maybe he is being a realist. I have been where your husband is. Be there for him but keep your worries to yourself or share them with a friend, but not your husband.
Maybe he had some slight pain or felt unwell for a moment, did a google search and it’s kicked of anxiety which then has side affects. Lay with him at night and hug him and talk to him. all the best