Leaving DV, Guilt, Heartbreak & Children

Hey Sisterhood,

I don’t know what do.. I am not doing ok.. Life has thrown me some pretty big curve balls, I have just left a domestic violence relationship, with someone that really broke me, I never really understand domestic violence and narcissist behaviour and to be honest I still don’t... but I’m broken, in my life it was always just me and my son who is now 4 years old, his dad never wanted anything to do with him, by choices of his own, so I never forced otherwise even after I tried.. This new man came into my life with me son was about 3... life was glory for us for the first couple of months, and then everything was a roller coaster, ended up in court, ended up back and forth together.. to now.. completely done after a big reality check, my life and my child’s is more important than what I was being blind sided by expecting a big change, that was never happening... Fast forward.. my son is really struggling, I am really struggling.. my boy won’t stop asking about him, why he won’t ring, why we can’t go there.. he is now asking about his dad.. everything I have kept age appropriate.. my son now is struggling when it comes to school drop off, he thinks that I will not be back, even after reassurance, it takes someone having to take him off me, he is fine once I leave.. he is taking it out at home also, not listening, doing things he knows he shouldn’t do, tonight I just broke down, infront or him, one thing I never wanted to do, I just cried and asked him why he was being so naughty and not listening, I feel like I have failed my son, I feel like I have failed as a mother, I have tried to continue our normal routine before all this, I have tried to keep him busy, I am trying so god damn hard, I feel like an absolute failure.. how can I help my son? How can I help myself? I don’t want to be a mother that cries, that breaks down, I want to be here for him, and I’m trying.. I don’t know what else to do.. please any guidance, or advice? I have booked in some counselling sessions for myself and for him, what else can I do :( Help me...