My son is almost 27. I have been in and out of the mental health care system since he was 14. They were absolutely no help to us at all. At 17 he startes using ice. I had to send him to live with his father at 17 as I was terrified of his abusive mood swings that could happen for something as little as not being able to find something. Holes punched in my walls getting right up in my face, screaming at me and calling me the most disrespectful names. Last year after an extremely abusive phone call that left me shaking and an anxious mess I had to block him from my life. My dilemma is I have sacrificed my relationship with my grandson because the mother is still involved with my son and tells him everything. I cannot even think about my son without my heart facing and feeling sick. I feel extremely guilty but for the sake of my own mental health and peace of mind I absolutely cannot risk a blow up which I feel is coming anyway as I know through my other children (who r both delightful humans) that he is not doing well atm. He owes his younger brother a fairly large sum of money that he has made no effort to pay off but still has money for drugs and alcahol. Can i go on with my life guilt free without feeling like a horrible mum for not wanting to ever have him in my life ever again. He has admitted himself to the Physch ward at the hospital quite a few times but always leaves without following up with help available to him as an adult.
6 Replies
I think you need a professional to help you work through your feelings. I can’t pretend I know what you are going through. I can imagine that you feel pulled in two directions.
I think you’ve done the right thing, cutting off contact. You can’t help someone else when you are drowning yourself. And keeping in contact would mean drowning.
I’m so sorry you’re going through that.
I think distance is a good thing for you, at the moment, nothing positive would come of having contact with him.
I pray he gets the treatment he needs and comes good.
Stay safe mumma xxxxx
I was reading this thinking i had written it. My son is 27 too, and an ice, pill, and heroin addict from age 17, and weed before that. He has kids too who i can't see because to see them means seeing him. I wrote him out of my life 4 years ago for the same vile behAViour you describe, plus more.
Best thing i ever did as my mental health was becoming very dark because of him. He refuses help and refuses to admit he has a serious problem. My other kids too, are nothing like him. Everyone is afraid of him. He's unpredictable.
No one in the family or extended family will speak to him anymore and hAVent for years it's just too dangerous.
Sometimes you have to save yourself first than allow yourself to be a doormat and become a mental mess because of others, family or not is irrelevant.
I don't feel bad for my choice to cut him off. I could no longer help. I am mentally in a stronger place these days. Seek therapy for yourself so you can recover. don't feel guilty for putting you first .
Your grandkids will get to an age one day where you might be able to rekindle with them as adults. I might be able to with mine too. But sadly, it will all depend on a lot of factors. Him knowing where i live will be one of them. There will always be a risk.
I could have written this myself also...i literally have to let my son go too..same thing...the emotional abuse was rife! My problem is with his father which i am still with enables him....he refuses to talk to me unless he really needs something.He speaks to his father as if nothing happend...it also pisses me off that his father could do nothing about it for years...noone knows the extent of how hard it is without being in it.He has ruined my marriage becaise of it alll.....i just can't stand too sèe him right now.i hope one day he realises the pain he caused xxx
His abusive behaviour is domestic violence, so you are right to remove him from your life at least while he's suffering from addiction.
The child is in danger living in a house with an ice user. You have rights to access as a grandparent. I suggest getting legal advice from a family lawyer. I would also consider making a report to child protection.
We have cut our father out of our life. He is not a drug addict but a narcissist. Just because someone is blood family doesn’t mean you have to be unhappy around them.
Things have been terrific and we’ve all lived happy healthy life since cutting him out.
Don’t feel bad, its your sons decision to make those choices and you can choose to be healthy.