My best friend passed away last July from Stage 4 triple negative BRCA1 Breast Cancer, leaving behind her Husband and 4 beautiful kids, ages ranging from 20 down to 7.
Ive maintained contact with them, spent milestone days with them while they grieved, listened to him have meltdowns (he is a very ‘why me’ kind of person). Ive helped out when he was away for work with taking kids to school, groceries, picking up sick kids from school etc.
He started dating around 3 months ago which is absolutely fine, the 3 weeks ago announced his engagement on facebook... now this is where it gets messy. He has removed any memory of his beautiful wife from his social media, all pictures from the shared rooms in their home. He spends no time alone with his kids, and has told the older 2 if they don’t ‘fall into line’ then they can find somewhere else to live.
They older 2 have confided in me that they all have no personal hygiene products at all, so I am going to buy them what they need, the younger two don’t have even have fruit for school.
I’m lost, and heartbroken for those babies. Their mother was devoted to them. Her life revolved around her family. They have no family in Australia, so getting docs involved would be a last resort. What else can I do for them?
8 Replies
I'm sorry no-one has responded. It's a tough one. I think the only people that could influence this would be the kids making their thoughts very clear... But you can't exactly advise the kids to do this if they'll be reprimanded for it.
Children are reprimanded daily for not ‘accepting’ this new woman as their mother. They are in a terrible situation being ignored and always in trouble for being ‘defiant’ when they show any emotion.
It’s messy. There’s no “right” answers here.
I’d just make myself available for them as needed. Teach the older two to become as financially independent as possible - and they are old enough to buy their own feminine hygiene products so maybe start the ball rolling with Centrelink or shared housing if necessary.
As for the young ones - drop around a basket of fruit every so often just as a friend “I was at the shops and though of you and couldn’t resist buying you a small basket” type thing
Unfortunately their father hasnt opened bank accounts for them, hasnt given them the ability to get licensed, one has her L’s but he wont take her driving.
I’ll just continue to do the little bits that I can.
Also they arent citizens, only permanent residents, and he earns alot of money, so unsure if the children would qualify for Centrelink.
I would try not to get docs involved unless it’s bad. The father might be dealing with this in a destructive way, maybe seeing her pics are too painful as Facebook shows memories. Sometimes people just try to pretend it doesn’t exist. If you can afford it maybe get the kids what they need on a regular basis. Of course you can never replace their mum, but these kids might be in your life forever. It seems you’re already helping them so much.
I have just done a big hygiene shop for them, with a few luxury items for each child.
He is definitely being destructive, to the point where 3 of the kids aren’t calling him dad anymore.
I love them, and if I could I would take them in, however financially its not an option. Docs isnt an option as all their family is in the UK and I couldn’t bare to see them split up, and I personally cannot take them on... so the better option is to leave them with him and keep them together
Ah rebound relationships based on trauma... very very hard on families.
Where is dad from originally? You indicated that there's no family in Australia?
Apart from keeping the communication going and maybe dropping fruit and some odds & ends by the house plus encouraging the older kids to get jobs and education, there aren't too many options.
Contacting family might not be advisable.
They are from the UK. Children don’t even have bank accounts let alone a license to be able to get to work. Unfortunately the father is so self absorbed that he will not take them or pick them up if they were to get jobs. I will be taking them to set up bank accounts but have to draw the line with taking them to work as I work shift work myself and wouldn’t have my own family to raise.
I’ve just spent over $300 getting them a 3 month supply of hygiene products and some school snacks, but this isn’t a long term sustainable solution.
I’m worried for the kids, but if I speak up he will stop me from seeing the younger 2 and that would really hurt. I mean they are the connection to their mum and I miss her, so losing the kids would hurt as bad as losing her