My ex and I share a 12 year old child together.
We have been broken up for about 8 years.
Currently my child is at their dad’s Thursday afternoon to Sunday afternoon. And I have them the rest of the time. And it has been this way since we broke up.
Normally on the weekends I have things planned as this is my free time. I have no other children. My ex has one other child with his partner.
Is it fair that my ex now wants to change the arrangement and only have our child 3 weekends out of the month so he can go out and party or do things with his friends?
I feel he should be spending time with his child not friends.
Am I being selfish for wanting free time?
55 Replies
Yes thats sounds more than fair. You have every single weekend free and he has every single weekend with the child. You're lucky to have had it for so long, but thats not really fair is it. I'm surprised you haven't wanted it earlier as you don't get any down days to relax with your kid.
Why not change to weekly turnaround. Check with the child obviously. But don't let on that you don't want them.
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By the way if he has a partner and a child at home I doubt he wants the time to go out and party. Regardless, that's not your business and hes not asking for much.
If your ex is working full time then yes I think it is selfish of you.
Your ex deserves free time as well.
He isn’t asking for much of a change.
If he wasn’t as present in the child’s life my answer would be different.
Yeah sorry I think it is a bit selfish.. Why not even compromise and make it every second weekend and You could even see if he would have her Wednesday arvo till Monday morning just to balance it out or stick to the 3 weekends a month.. either way what he’s asking is more then fair.
Yea I think you are being selfish. He is aloud to have 1 weekend off!! You get 3 weekends off a month.
A fair arrangement would be you have two weeks Monday to Thursday, then reversing it for the next two weeks.
Most people want there kids some weekends so they can do fun stuff with there kids.
You have had 8 years of free weekends.
His request of one free weekend a month is very reasonable.
You are extremely lucky to have had this for 8 years.
If you are not willing to change things up then yes you are very selfish.
Not everyone is so lucky to have such a present father in theirs kids life.
See I don’t see it as lucky, to have not had one weekend with your child in eight years
No quality time.
She isn’t a SAHM with toddlers, kids at school all day, I assume she works, so when does she have quality time?
She needs to step up and have some weekends to bond with her child and yes, dad can get a bit of a social life too if he wants.
Getting a break = lucky
Never having a weekend with your child in eight years = not lucky at all, in fact sad and depressing.
Sorry I guess lucky was the wrong word.
From my understanding of the post it has been her choice to not spend the weekend with her child. So at the end of the day she is still selfish for doing this.
Seems her friends are put first.
I knew what you meant, lucky for op 😀not most other people.
I'll be blunt.
Your kid is 12.
You haven't spent a full weekend with your kid in 8 years.
You have a very small window of time left where your kid will still actually wanna hang out with their mum.
If you were smart, you'd take this opportunity and run with it.
Don't be that parent who puts more effort into their social life and realises too late that they squandered precious time with their child. You don't get a do over...
Yeah you’re being selfish.
Spend some proper time with the kid aside from school, feed, sleep repeat :) do activities, go out and hang out properly!! Make the most of it!!!
He's well and truly done his fair share of the care and parenting over the last 8 years, so you're being quite audacious saying that you think he should spend time with his kid not his mates!
He hasn't had a free weekend in 8 years!!!
It's also a bit hypocritical. Why is it okay for you to have weekend plans but it's not for him?
Wow. Self centered and selfish much. You are accusing him of doing what you are already actually doing. Why are you allowed to have free weekends to plan things and go out while he can't?
I think this is either a man, pissed off with the ex and seeing our reactions to see if he is justified or a woman troll post.
Yep putting up the gist without the whole context to get the response they want.
It's always gotta be a troll or a man.
People would rather believe a post like this is fake or made out of spite by a scorned man than acknowledge that some women/mothers don't give two shits about their kids.
You’re right, I just didn’t think a mum could write such a thing....blows my mind.
OP here. I do care about my child.
But what is wrong with some free time if I have the option to do so.
You’re getting free time every weekend, your daughters father is entitled to free time as well. Don’t you think that’s fair? You’ll struggle to get sympathy here for having one weekend a month with your own daughter.
For me it isn’t about the “free time” at all....I have a young teen.....it’s about having very little quality time with your child. I assume they study, you work and then every weekend, you’re off socialising. Don’t you ever want to take them somewhere or cook up a nice breakfast, go see a movie together, shopping etc? Even just downtime together, coexisting in the house. I honestly don’t get it. Weekends are my favourite time, family time.
OP great question. Why the double standard for your child's dad?
When is dads free time? You get every single weekend free, and he gets nothing... selfish is putting it mildly.
“He should be spending time with his child, not his friends”
Right back at ya lady. You’re not only selfish, you’re a hypocrite as well. Just let him take the kid 100% of the time, you clearly have no interest in actually being a parent.
No I know women like that exist. But if you're that narcissistic (zero weekends with her child with no reflection on that and the part that accuses him nastily when he wants 1/4 of what she's had for 8 years raises huge flags for me) why write in for help. Its enough to suspect fairly this is a nasty person trolling, man or woman.
Theres that narcissist word again loosely thrown around.
However, everything else you said is spot on x
Having down time (away from kids) is very important for some people's mental health. This does not mean that they do not care about their children or that socialising is more important
I agree it is important to have a break, but there should be a balance.
Child is old enough to know they NEVER spend a weekend with mum, that weekends are for her friends and socialising.
Long term, as child gets older, guaranteed this will become an issue, they will see mum prioritise her friends over her EVERY weekend.
I wholeheartedly agree that parents need down time.
The thing is, as things stand, OP has 4 afternoons and 4 school mornings with her child, so let's not act like this is a woman who's deprived of free time.
If she's really not willing have her child a little more often than that, well, that speaks volumes really.
My comment was for both the op and her ex. It goes both ways. Maybe this mum is worried she won't cope, maybe dad isn't coping which is why he has asked. Saying she is a bad mum who doesn't care about her kid is ignorant. I have not read that her social life is more important and if it is, maybe that is her way of having a break to be the best mum she can be, maybe she is worried that the changes will affect her negatively and she won't be the best mum she can be 🤷♀️ we have no idea, the woman is asking if she is being selfish and that's what we should be commenting on, not speculating and accusing her of being a bad parent and her social life being 'more important'
To the op, I suggest you talk to your ex honestly about why you are reluctant about these changes and also try to understand where he is coming from, he may need a break and I'm sure you can sympathise with that. One weekend out of 4 is not a lot and you could make that weekend really special with your child ☺️ please seek help and support for yourself if you feel this is all too much. You got this mumma, all the best xxx
I wont even comment anon on this one. You are being horribly selfish! This man has given EVERY SINGLE weekend for 8 years to his child. If he wants to have a weekend to himself, or just for his partner and other child or even to see some mates then he should be allowed. You’re pissed because you wont have 1 weekend a month free to galavant around town.
Please correct me if I'm wrong, but where does she say that she galavants around town, or even socialises? She states that she has plans on the weekend, that could mean anything
Hahah what do you mean where does it say she galavants? She has written in the original post that she has plans every weekend, so yes she galavants and she wants to continue to and is now pissed off that she probably can't anymore because the childs father wants to slightly change weekend arrangements . How did you miss it?
I missed it because its not there, they are your assumptions of her plans. Assumptions are the mother of all fuck ups. People are assuming so they can feel better about being so unnecessarily nasty and seemingly bitter
Different commenter here.
I don't think it matters whether her plans are to bum around in her trackies watching Netflix, to run errands, to attend a dinner party or to go on a 3 day bender.
The problem is that whatever her plans entail, they seem to take precedence over her parental responsibility and they seem to be something she prefers to do instead of spending time with her child.
I personally don't think it seems her plans take precedence based on the very little she has written and I have not taken on board every other commenters opinion. To me this woman seems worried underneath the facade that her plans take precedence. I am concerned for this woman (and child) being forced into something that they are clearly not ready for, it is a recipe for disaster and you lot will be the first to point the finger and accuse and blame with your unnecessary and nasty comments when she cannot cope, and why? To make yourself feel better, superior, intelligent? I just don't get it
Can’t cope with an extra 2 days a month with her 12 year old?
Cmon now, if it fails the bullshit test.....
I’m sure she would have happily told us if she had a legitimate reason, her only reason is plans.
Stop making it bigger than it is.
She could be going to chemo therapy on the weekend, you could make any story up, but based on the info provided, there are no extenuating circumstances. Accept it for what it is and what she has said. She Worte, “what is wrong with free time if I have the option?” She’s been pretty clear with her position.
You’re looking for something that sadly isn’t there.
I never responded to you because someone else (or multiple people did). If she isn’t ready to finally spend 1 weekend a month with her child, then she doesn’t deserve said child.
She is a selfish jerk who needs to be told some harsh truths and maybe she will realise what a trash person she is.
So having severe mental health issues that impact on your ability to care for your children is being a selfish jerk? Hrmm okay then. I really hope no one you know and care for has debilitating health issues and turns to you for help
Oh come on 🙄... You're creating your own scenario here now. The OP never mentions having any mental illnesses, debilitating health issues or any other reasonable extenuating circumstances that may impede her ability to care for her child on a more regular basis.
Based purely on the context OP has given, yes, she's being selfish on a few levels.
There is no mention this Mum has mental health problems.
She has said she simply wants free time on their weekends. (Read the comments where she says this)
So based on that yes she is a selfish jerk.
Of course we have sympathy/empathy for mums who can’t care for their kids due to mental health issues, disabilities, illness etc. I had a nervous breakdown and ended up in mental health for a week, they suggested when I got out to continue putting my child in daycare a couple days a week even though I had quit my job, which I did. She makes no reference to any such thing, she doesn’t deserve your defence.
I have severe mental health issues. It’s not an excuse. She’s had 8 years of having every single weekend free, while only having to parent a few hours a day, 4 days a week. Doesn’t matter what her weekend plans are, when does dad get his down time? He likely works through the week, and has not had a single weekend off in 8 years where she’s had all of them. She did literally say that she has plans she doesn’t want to cancel (read doesn’t WANT TO, not CAN’T) every weekend - so yes, she is putting herself/social time over her child. She’s beyond selfish, and doesn’t deserve the title of mother.
Why do you even need to question this? You should actually feel happy to have one weekend to spend with your son. It’s totally fair for him to have a weekend off. He also has another child and would need weekend of down time hinself. Work with him here on this and do it together so you don’t end up ruining a good thing.
Oh no... you have a life and he wants one too? That must be really really hard for you!
Give him the one weekend, it’s extremely reasonable and it will give you a great opportunity to actually bind with your daughter.
Your kids 12 and goes to school during the week? Why wouldn’t you want a weekend do stuff with your one child!!!! Yes you are being selfish. I really don’t understand your thinking here.
*** I feel he should be spending time with his child not friends.*** Back at ya Mumma...
yup, selfish and there seems to be a massive sense of entitlement in your post.
he wants 1 weekend. just 1 a month.
you still get 3 free weekends to plan.
be grateful he is in the picture as much as you say he is.
Yes you are being incredibly selfish. He has had her every weekend for 8 years. The guy deserves a weekend occasionally to himself. So what if he wants to go out with mates and have some fun. Clearly you think it's fine for yourself to do that. Spend some time with your child on the weekend rather than just a few hours in the evening after school.
I can't believe you are even asking this. Give your ex the weekend off as he wants and actually spend some quality time with your child. Be a parent!
I implore you to read what you have written and swap your roles. You say the weekend is your free time. It's most working peoples free time! Your ex included. He also deserves weekends without children and time to spend with his friends/downtime. Change the arrangement and be happy you have as much downtime as you do.