Hi Lovely Mums! I feel very nervous writing for the first time but I need help. I had a massive emotional breakdown in the car today with my 6 year old son to the point I yelled at him and cried. I love my son so much but as a single mum who has raised him basically since birth I am feeling so exhausted and know my anxiety is hitting the roof. Sadly my narcist ex husband gives no support or even knows what I deal with in life. I am feeling so overwhelmed with life right now. My son is also having hard time being back at school and doesn't want to leave me in the morning which is hard. I feel like the worst mum right now.
I am worried about the effects I am having on my son. How do I make things better?
I am worried about the effects I am having on my son. How do I make things better?
Posted in:
Parenthood Guilt
8 Replies
It’s ok to meltdown in front of your children, to show them you are human and have a breaking point. It all comes down how you deal with the aftermath. When you’ve calmed down, go and sit with him, apologise for getting so upset with him, give him a big hug. Explain to him in simple terms that you are feeling overwhelmed with everything. “Mummy has so many things she needs to do that I’m worried I might forget to do something.” Or if it’s his behaviour that’s pushed you too far, “I really love you but I really don’t like when you behave/act like this.” Show him that it’s ok to show big emotions occasionally and how to deal with the aftermath of those big emotions.
See your GP to get a mental health care plan and start seeing a psychologist. They will be able to help with coping strategies for what’s going on in your life. Do you have family or friends living nearby who could have your son for a couple hours once a week/fortnight or even overnight, to give a break?
Great advice!
You need to get yourself to a psych. Unfortunately sole parenting is very different and your son will be taking on everything you say and do and your actions can really affect him. It's good you're aware of it, so next step is to get help and get it under control.
For his separation anxiety, I have also found that's common in the sole parent dynamic as you're so close. We work on (when calm) acknowledging the feelings and it's ok to have big feelings and it's ok to not want to leave mum and to cry, but we dont want clinging and screaming because we know I can't stay. Also knowing youll have a great day, you're safe and with friends and there will be good things and it will become totally easy in time. Also reassuring theyre doing great and they did great in the morning leaving you (even if they didn't, rewrite the script). My littlest has even come up with strategies to help herself go well each day this past week. We also have lots of support from the school, which helps immensely, there has been a teacher there for her, one on one for the drop off every day so I'm not stuck with a clingon as stretching the departure out only heightens them usually. Another thing that helps is when I go to work. They still feel the feelings, but understand more that I'm not at home anyway so that's not an option. If you dont work you can just get dressed up and pretend you have important grown up work to do all day as well.
Once he settles and connects with friends and teacher he will go fine, just keep that in both your minds. This is new, and it wont be like this forever.
So us single mum aren’t allowed to have a meltdown?
Only married mums can? Coz I see a lot of that too.
I specify sole because its a different ball game. And no, if your child is borderline anxious and suffering and having a huge first week back at school, you having a meltdown is not ideal and shouldn't be excused.
A married mum can and should take it away from the kids. Singles dont have that choice but if youre sharing you can hold on for your break. If youre sole its endless, so yes the stress is much higher and I do realise that it's much more difficult but still for the wellbeing of our kids, no, it's not ok. When they're losing it, you need to be the calm for them. For the mental wellbeing of the whole household. A psych can definitely help with this.
What hope do us single mums have when even women, mums at that, place these higher expectations on us? You’re allowed to lose it, single or not and you dust yourself off and get back up. You apologise and move on. That’s how we build resilient kids, seeing failure and strength, not never seeing failure. If they never see failure and setbacks in their role models, they won’t cope with it when it happens to them. Life is full of ups and downs, they need to learn that. To the OP, tomorrow is a new day, be kind to yourself.
It’s ok mama. Kids are resilient. Others have given great advice. I will say though, even if his behaviour tipped you over the edge, make sure he understands that you regret responding the way you did. Help him understand it was not his fault.
On the night I nearly took my own life I screamed at and threw a phone at my then 8 year old son. Fortunately he called his dad. He’s now 17 and ok. In the years following I have taken steps to instill in my children the idea that:
- feelings are a natural response and are not “right” or “wrong”
- my response to their behaviour is my own responsibility
- their behaviour is their responsibility and it’s my job to teach them in love
I also engaged with some great psychologists along the way and was on medication for a few years.
He will be ok. As long as you help him through this and get some help for yourself.
Oh mumma. I feel you. Gosh it's perfectly fine to have a meltdown in front of your kid... I think as time goes on and they get older you will get better at doing your meltdown differently and not taking it out on him. But it happens, shit happens. You must care so much for him and be doing the best you can for you to even ask this question. Explain to him you shouldn't have yelled and that you were feeling very overwhelmed. Screw your ex, forget about thinking about what he may be thinking! Do what you can do for YOU now, untill you can figure the rest out to get more support or whatever it is you feel you want. Do things now to try to take the edge of for you, what does that look like for you, babysitter, exercise, a nice shower wash your hair, a lux moisturiser???? You are not the worst mum.