Long story short, my daughter had made a little game for herself in our garden bed after school today (which in in our front yard, well into our property). She was playing quietly and she's old enough to be out there unsupervised.
A boy from our street asked her if he could play. She kindly said "no, maybe another time" because she was happy playing alone.
This boy didn't take no for an answer, he kept hanging around, pestering her, trying to interfere with her game etc until she finally lost her patience and less polietly told him to leave her alone and go home, which he did.
Moments later, she was called over to that boys house, was told off by his parents who also demanded an explanation as to why their son couldn't play with her. Being put on the spot, she kind of gave a feeble lie about being busy which they didn't believe but had no choice but to accept.
Now, I'm furious about this! I don't believe my daughter has done anything wrong and I don't believe they had any right to question or attempt to discipline my daughter. I feel the boy should have respected my daughter's wishes!
However, a few people I've spoken to about it believe my daughter was rude, that she should have let him play even though she didn't want to because that's the polite thing to do and it would've avoided it becoming a whole thing.
Just to add, my daughter has a pretty chilled personality and is a generally well rounded child. She has a bunch of little siblings so she knows how to share and how to interact/play with other kids.
I guess I just want to know what side of the fence you fall on with this and why?
34 Replies
Do they play together usually?
She has every right to say no and for that to be end of. However, friendships also go two ways and it's not much of a friendship to say no, go away. She could say it more tactfully 'I'm doing this, come back later/tomorrow and we can skate'
The parents should not have got involved and she shouldn't have gone to their house, tell her next time to come to you first and you'll sort it out.
The parents were way out of line calling your daughter over. Doesn't matter if she was rude or not. I have 4 kids and we have been through all the little tiffs with neighbourhood kids over the years and you need to take what your kid tells you with a grain of salt. They will always make their part sound very innocent while the other side is over exaggerated. If they really were upset by it they should have spoken to you, not her. I wouldn't let him play again as it sounds like this would just keep happening over every little thing.
The big issue I have is them calling your daughter over & berating her. I'd be knocking on their door & asking what happened as your DD is upset & if an issue they should come to your house & speak to you.
Your daughter has every right to say no. I teach my kids do it politely, then more firmly. I don't want them to spend their lives being a polite doormat to 'keep the peace'. I was raised like that to the extreme & it took a lot to break free from it & be confident saying no & accept people wouldn't like it but that's ok.
Your daughter was not in the wrong.
Appalling behaviour by the parents.
So, is this HER recount that she told you..? Or were you witness to this all.
There's always three sides to the story. His, her's and the truth :)
I'm not buying it honestly (her side).
It doesn't matter if she was an absolute horror, there's no circumstance that makes it OK for neighbours to call a child to their home to have a go at them. They are the adults in the situation. They needed to talk to the OP if at all. At the end of the day kids are kids and if my child came home saying the neighbours kid wouldn't let them play I would tell them not to play with them again.
We will have to agree to disagree. If a child is nasty to my kid, I sure as heck will pull them into line. It sounds like the OP has rose coloured glasses about her child so wouldn't do so herself.
Well that doesn't make sense. You realise to do that you would need to take your child's version of things too and also assume they are innocent and the other child isn't? As far as the post suggests, no parents witnessed what happened. The wrong part is that they called the child over to their property and had a go at her. That would have been scary and lucky nothing else happened to her. They (And you for the future) could always act like an adult and have a chat to the parents first.
That part is what makes me think the kids play outside all the time. The parents called her so they had both kids to sort out what's going on, maybe?
OP here.
By no means do i have rose coloured glasses on.
My daughter and this boy don't typically play alone together, they cross paths but don't particularly hang out at school (same grade) and if there's a whole bunch of kids playing in the street they'll both participate but that's about the extent of their interactions usually.
I think he really only wanted to play with my daughter because the kids in our street he usually plays with weren't around, so the request took my daughter by surprise to begin with.
I didn't witness the whole interaction but bits and pieces, in relation to where this boy lives, his parent would only have been able to witness this if they were standing near my front gate (which I assure you they weren't).
I have no reason to doubt that she was polite initially. She was very upfront with me that she got irritated with him after a while which is when she became short with him.
So you’re teaching your child that if someone says no, they don't actually mean it and to keep pestering them to say yes?? Understanding consent is something that needs to be taught early. Not pressuring someone into changing their mind because your feelings are butt hurt!!
And that makes you part of the problem. Doesn’t matter if she was rude or polite, no means no, end of story.
You’re the parent whose child will end up on charges because instead of being taught no means no, consent must be given freely and willingly, and to respect others autonomy, you’re teaching them that no only means no until you bully them in to a yes, consent means nothing and that people who say no to are wrong and must be punished...
She could be as rude as she wants. It doesn't warrant a parent pulling a child aside. Especially WITHOUT their parent present!
Let's go worst case scenario and OP's daughter told the boy to "f off" (not saying she did/didn't), that still doesn't warrant an interaction between his parents and the child alone.
If they had an issue it should have been bought to the attention of OP, prior to interacting with the child.
Also, no means no. She said no and he kept going at it.
Also if they all play in the street it gets complicated. There's almost an unwritten rule that you cant say 'its in my yard so I say so' fair is fair when the kids are playing. I dont know how your street is. You can of course pull out entirely but you can't pull in and out as it suits Miss.
It doesn't matter what the surrounding circumstances are. She said no. His and his parents entitlement is breathtaking. Some people need their alone time. She should be able to do her own thing and not be yelled at for it.
Yes! Exactly right. This boy is being taught that if someone says no, then they don't mean it and there are ways around the 'no'. His parents are not doing him any favours. You said it perfectly, Danielle, that their entitlement is breathtaking. They could have been in the middle of a game and then she said no and changed her mind. I think the commenters who are saying that she was in the wrong, need to google 'tea consent video'. It's about consent with sex, but it could easily be about kids wanting to play with each other. Consent is consent. No further explanation needed.
Nobody's said shes wrong, just that maybe it wasn't as clear cut as she's described, and maybe there's circumstances to explain why his parents called her over.
I'm torn. It is rude to say no go away which is essentially what she did. Sorry but she needs to learn that.
If she was upset or anxious or whatever and really needed the time alone she needs to be capable of saying that she would love to play another time but just needs to be alone right now and she hopes that doesn't upset him or something. Or play inside or in her backyard if street play is a thing in your neighborhood.
That said, it's totally inappropriate for the parents to call her to their house. If they want to gently encourage inclusive play, the should go to her. It's a safety matter. She should also be confident enough to say she isn't allowed to leave her house without permission if she's old enough to play in the front yard unsupervised though. And if they weren't encouraging kindness when speaking to the kids, they should have raised concerns with you, not her.
She was polite the first he asked to join her game. He then started interfering with her game so she was less than polite in telling him to bugger off the second time. The boy needs to learn to accept boundaries that other people put in place.
It’s not rude to tell someone no, or to go away if they’re bothering you. JFC this is why kids are such entitled little snowflakes today.
I am a person that prefers to be alone. But in your mind, I'm not allowed to say no to anyone being with me because I'll be the rude one? How about accepting the answer you're given?
"can we play?"
"no maybe another time"
"ok no worries"
No one should be pressured into being around anyone they don't want to.
And I agree with the comment above, this is why kids are so entitled these days.
I cant believe some of the replies.
So we're okay with teaching our daughters that we need to say yes to keep the peace and be polite.
And teaching our sons that no doesn't always mean no.
🙄
Why is gender even an issue? I teach my son to consider others too. No one is promoting hee being subservient... just kind.
It does say in the post that she KINDLY said "No, maybe another time" as her first response to his request.
That should not have to be said more than once!
I'm an adult and I get annoyed if I have to say no more than once! My first no is always a polite and kind one but if I need to say it again, that person's feelings become much less of a concern to me and I will make it known that I'm not playing!
This child had her boundaries challenged after the initial no - kindness is no longer a priority after that.
Fine. But what does that have to do with gender? Seriously... that comment was totally off topic.
You clearly didn’t read the post properly. A girl is being told she should have said yes to a boy because saying no to him is “rude”. It’s not off topic at all.
Not rude at all. Sometimes a person is happy doing what they want by themselves
Your child is not in the wrong.
Regardless if she was rude or not. If she doesn't want to play with someone, doesn't mean it should be forced upon her by strangers! I actually think it's very rude of the parents speaking to your child! Especially without you being there!
If my child was upset about this, I would be heading over to their house and asking why/how they thought it was appropriate for them to question a child on her choices! They should be teaching their child that you don't always get what you want!
I imagine that they would be over at your door had you said something to their child.
No is a complete sentence and we are not obligated to give a reason.
Your child said no so thats the end of it. She did nothing wrong at all.
Sick to death of people thinking we have we have to have a reason that they think is valid to say no. No means no and an explanation as to why is not necessary.
Your daughter is not in the wrong.
She was on her property minding her own business.
The neighbour and thier kid was wrong, they coaxed a child off her property and onto thiers... that's an issue all on its own.
They then cornered her into a discussion, that should be between two adults if a problem existed.
Your child may be a child, but they are allowed to choose who to play with.
We wouldn't go to dinner with people we didn't want too, or go out for coffee with a friend if we didn't want too.
Children are humans too and entitled to quiet enjoyment especially on thier own property.
No, the parent should of come to your door if they had a problem. They had no right to call your daughter over or say anything to her. It should of been “well that girl doesn’t have to play with you if she doesn’t want too”
I think your daughter had the right to say no! She was doing her own thing in her own time! Content by herself! The other parents had no right to talk to your daughter by herself! They maybe should have spoken to you!
Absolutely she was in the right. NO child should be forced to play with anyone! No explanation needed. Take it and accept it!!!
The same sort of thing happened to our girl today.
She has said she is getting smothered by the other kids at lunch. (We are meant to be moving schools, I guess her friends are trying to get their time in before she goes)
I told her to go sit somewhere away from them.
One of her friends wanted her to play, when she said no, her friend told the teacher.
The teacher told her it was rude to reject her friends. She had to apologise and play with her.
Personally I don’t agree at all.
The teacher should have let her have her quiet time.