I’m a 36 year old single mum. My daughter is eleven years old and has intellectual disabilities that I just found out is my fault because I have had an iron deficiency for years going undiagnosed including while I was pregnant with her. I just got diagnosed a week ago.
My ex and baby daddy has her living with him but for the last near 3 years I have been sleeping on his couch as I had to suddenly move after being the victim of domestic violence from an ex boyfriend (not my baby daddy). When I moved suddenly, I left everything behind and basically just took the clothes on my back and a few clothes in a garbage bag.
My family have not been supportive at all, my mother actually got drunk and verbally abused me the day I was bashed and robbed by my ex for the last time. My father has moved on and has a new wife and a new life and won’t talk to his kids anymore. I don’t have any real friends, I have a couple of women that I talk to but 99% and of the conversation is always about them and when I talk about my problems, it’s like an inconvenience to them to even listen too and the only ‘advise’ I ever get from them is just scrutiny, judgement and criticism.
After recently sitting down to reassess my life, I figured out that I’m $90000 in debt and I have a bad credit record.
I’m just feeling lost 😖 I feel like I’m a loser pretty much most of the time and now after sitting down and trying to address my issues, it’s just made me even more depressed. I feel like I can never get ahead in life and I’ve honestly been struggling since I was 17. I’ve worked for most of my adult life but having such a big soft heart, I would always help friends and family financially rather then pay debts. I don’t have any crippling addictions and I rarely go out (I can honestly never afford to), I spend my weekends just hanging out with my daughter constantly coming up with excuses as to why we can’t go anywhere.
Sorry about the rant, I don’t even know what my question is but I’m just so miserable with my situation and my life. My daughter is the only thing that makes me happy lately but I’m just so guilty that I can’t be a better mum and do more with her and more for her. I do everything I can with her that doesn’t involve money but it is getting beyond exhausting having to constantly explain why we can’t do other things or go places and have fun times.
I’m so depressed with my situation that I contemplate suicide (walking into the ocean to save money on a funeral) more often then I care to admit. I’ve spoken to drs about it and their answer is always prescribed depression medication but I don’t want to take it because I know that if I wasn’t in such a depressing situation, I would be happier. I feel bad for feeling depressed about my situation because I know a lot of other people in the world worse off, I try my hardest to be positive and happy but I’ve hit the point of just being to mentally exhausted to fake it anymore. How do I fix all of this?
8 Replies
It sounds like your parents raised you in dysfunction. When you are raised in dysfunction it’s hard to make healthy choices as an adult.
The best advice I can give you is ask your GP for a mental health care plan and a referral to a psychologist. You need emotional support yesterday and someone to support you making smart choices. Don’t discard the medication. When you are depressed you make bad decisions which lead to bad feelings and the cycle continues. Give the medication a try, if it doesn’t work, at least you’ve tried something.
I’d also contact the Salvos or similar about making an appointment for a financial counsellor. They can help you work through your options financially and help you come up with a better plan financially.
You deserve a happy, healthy future and it sounds like your daughter loves and needs you and that your ex cares about you. So please hold on to that and take the steps to move forward.
Hi, firstly, none of this is completely unfixable. There is good parts. 1. Youre out of that relationship, its up from here. Your kids dad is good and you have that coparenting support, thats another huge weight off.
Now, unfortunately dv relationships destroy so many aspects of your life at once that they do crush you, they do affect your situation and your mental health, and they do take a lot of work and time to recover from.
And you do need support. Go back to the dr. Take the script. You need to be on meds, situational or not, take the help.
But also get a mental health plan and start seeing a psychologist. You cant help yourself when youre stuck feeling hopeless and your inner voice is so down. Take the help. They will guide you, step by step, and its so nice to hear people that understand rephrase those horrible things we say to ourselves into more kind thoughts.
Id say one of the first things theyll tell you to do is get onto centrelink until you find the right job, and to get your own place. Whether its a granny flat or sharehouse of single women, find your space and youll start to bloom from there.
The rest will fall into place and you will sort it out, youll start seeing things differently and feeling more positive about everyday life, it takes time, and work, but you just have to take baby steps.
You change your narrative. You start small... you celebrate the small wins.
Set achievable small goals. Be selfish get on top of your debt. Borrow the barefoot investor, read it. Positive self talk!
The worst judge we ever face in our lives is in the mirror..
Time is so valuable and as long as you have time for your daughter she will reflect on that positively. Try to get her interested in things that are free - bushwalking adventures.
Only engage with people who show interest in return... seek out new people.
I also would encourage you to see a psychologist but also understand that there can be a financial barrier.
Centrelink maybe able to put you in contact with a financial councillor.
Good luck - you got this - maybe not tomorrow but chip away and you will get where your going xx
Stop helping friends and prioritise your daughter. You need all of your money to get on top so youre well, and to help her and be able to do fun things with her. Thats your priority, nobody else.
From your dv experience, did you come out realising we only get this one life. The time goes and its gone. The most important thing is peace and happiness. You dont have to be happy all the time, but its in those small little moments each day. Of beauty, calm, enjoyment, bonding. So switch up that dialogue between you and your daughter. She wants to spend time with you. Spend your week finding and planning something fun and ways you can afford it (a hike a swim and a picnic) a swim and precooked sausages at the beach, op shopping with a small allowance is fun. Baking. Home made pizza. Sunset walks.
Since you already have bad credit and so much debt it might be worth looking into going bankrupt. It can give you a fresh start financially.
Hi mate, many of us have been down on our luck and it sounds like you didn’t get the best start either. You’re overwhelmed, honestly, give the meds a go, they will help centre you and then you can work through your problems, one by one. Just give it a go and good luck, please let us know how you go.
Next step will be see a free financial counsellor, Google them in your area and get that debt sorted.
Also, many people are low on iron in pregnancy, you don’t know that is the cause, so please don’t blame yourself ❤️
Definitely look at a company called “way forward”, google them.
I’m recently single and also in debt that isn’t manageable to pay back.
You can call “The National Debt Helpline” on 1800 007 007 and have a speak to them, which I have done this morning, they are amazing.
They will send you information on how to negotiate with your creditors (the companies/banks etc that loaned you the money) to come to an agreement on payments you can afford, or an alternative is using the company I mentioned above (which the help line recommended to me) that is called way forward. It’s NOT FOR PROFIT organisation that helps negotiate with your credits an amount you can afford to help you get back on your feet without claiming bankruptcy or entering into a part 9 debt agreement. They will do the work for you without charging you a fee and they work with you so it’s manageable
Good luck with it all, I understand how stressful financial hardship can be.
Hello everyone! I was the one that posted originally and I thought that I would give you an update at where I’m at now. I went to my bank the very next day after posting this and they pointed me in the direction of a free financial planner at my local community place who helps people with all sorts of struggles. The great news is, he has managed to sort out a bit of my debts and my credit score has gone up 132 points since. I haven’t taken any medication to help with depression but I did consult my dr on my energy levels and ended up having an iron shot which has improved my energy levels. I have turned myself more to God and tried harder than ever to think and feel more positively and it honestly has been working and my attitude has improved. I spend a lot more quality time with my daughter also which has also improved my mood. While I may not have everything in life that I want, I have learnt to not dwell on what I don’t have and what I have lost and instead look more towards what I do have already and what I can have in the future. I want to thank you all with all of my heart and soul for your kindness and support you all showed me, you have no idea what it meant to me that people saw that I wasn’t a complete lost cause and that I still had potential to be able to turn my situation around. You’re all wonderful people who deserve wonderful blessings in your lives and I thank God that you all took the time to show me that kindness and support still exists in this world and that there is still hope.