Hi, I was hoping you could post this anonymously on my behalf?
I am a mother of three - 2 from a previous marriage and 1 from my current relationship. I have only been in my current relationship just shy of 2 years and unfortunately, I am struggling to see a positive future with him.
From early on in the relationship, there were a number of instances which made me question whether he was the right fit for me and my family unit. For instance, while I was pregnant, there was a situation where my eldest (5yo at the time) had caused some minor damage to a baby item which angered my partner and upon noticing the damage he unexpectedly and forcibly slapped my child on the chest leaving a very severe handprint. My child was extremely upset by the incident and even now, a year later, my child raises the memory not only with me but also my partner. Other 'red flags' have included lying about going through my phone during the night while he thought I was sleeping, obtaining a personal loan without first consulting me as his partner and me only finding out about the loan after seeing an email, calling me degrading names and becoming aggressive in front of my family (on a number of occasions to the point where he has been unwelcome at their house) as well as threatening to kill himself and telling people that no other guy will want me if I leave leave because I now have 3 kids to 2 different fathers.
It is evident that alcohol really magnifies his anger and aggressive behaviour and while I have tried helping him seek professional help he only persists for a very short period of time before deciding he no longer needs or wants the help. After a major outburst during Christmas at my parents house, I told my partner that I would give him 3 months to sort himself out otherwise I was walking, however even with this warning, nothing was done on his behalf to improve until just this week when another aggressive outburst arose at a family birthday, to the point that the birthday girl began crying, and he has now booked another counselling session.
I am confused, coming from an already failed marriage, as to what to do moving forward. Even though he has booked a counselling session for this week, he has given up many times before and I know that if the children weren't involved, I would have ended the relationship quite some time ago. I am concerned though that removing myself from the relationship will disrupt my children's lives and that's the hardest thing for me to deal with and feel that I am being selfish if I do! Is there any hope that it could get better?
15 Replies
Less than 2 years and you already have a baby, live together, share money?
This is why it pays to slow relationships down when you have kids. You must have fallen pregnant very early on before getting to know him.
Clearly he's abusive and you need to do the right thing and end it and I would probably do it in a way that you and the kids are protected. Stay with a family member for a while. I think you should still encourage him to get help for his anger etc for your childs sake as he will still get access.
You said 3 months. At the end of 3 months if he hasn't turned this shit around - and I don't mean the odd counselling session, I mean he believably accepts he does need their help, commits to it and shows he's truly trying - then you walk just like you said you would.
What exactly holds you back from keeping your word?
Do you believe him when he says noone else will want you?
When you think about it, who the fuck in their right mind wants a grown man that bitch slaps a 5 year old over an accident?
Or someone that you're not just embarrassed to take to family events but you physically can't because he's banned for being a cock?
Someone who intrudes on privacy, belittles, bullies, lies... you're hanging on like you think you're holding a prize. At this point in time he's a paper bag of flaming dogshit wrapped in your future hopes and dreams. Pull the wrapper off, grieve for it and you're just left with the dogshit.
You've already got out pf a failed marriage. Why would you waste any more of your life with whats clearly the wrong person. Yes itll get better once you leave. Disrupt their lives? Exposing them to him is dusrupting their lives. In a way you wont be able to fix if you keep them around it, youre their parent, they see its your choice. Thats why he brings it up to you. Hes telling you. Imagine next time your kid brings it up being able to look at them and reassure them that was not ok to do, it is not ok with you and it should have never happened.
You were selfish when you disrupted their lives exposing them to this jerk, not taking the time to get to know him. Please put your kids first and end it, they deserve a peaceful and safe environment. Your son is telling you in his own little way, how do you respond when he mentions it? What happens if something else occurs and he tells a teacher who is a mandatory reporter? Do you want cps in your life? Not just your kids, but your poor extended family. You’ve exposed everyone to this chaos. Your kids and family will start resenting and losing respect for you and your decisions. Family may even step in at some point and try to gain custody of your kids. Is he worth all this angst?
It’s interesting that your willing to wait to see if he will now pick up his act..
Please take this as a lesson in the future to wait and see if a man is worth the investment of your time.
Personally I’d cut my losses and run! In the first two years really this is likely the best it will ever be.
Your kids deserve a mum who protects them from this kind of relationship. It’s time to leave, it was time to leave after the slap. You’ve given him too many chances. Your kids deserve a happy life and so do you, but it won’t happen while you stay in this toxic relationship with this toxic man.
You’re saying you would have given up ages ago if children weren’t involved, you’ve got this round the wrong way!!!!! Please LEAVE because there are children involved, do it for them, you won’t regret it. You’ll have major regret if you stay and wish you did it now. Your children deserve better!! You deserve better. You do not need a loser abusive man in your life.
🙌🙌🙌
I'd have been out of there the second he laid hands on my child, and he would NOT have hands left to try that shit again.
Don't stay for the kids. LEAVE for the kids. If you stay, you're showing them what's okay to put up with. This is not ok.
Me too
I stopped reading once I reached your child being slapped.
Get the fuck out of there and stop letting your children think that you're putting your relationship before their safety and well-being in their own home.
No. No no no no. You do not stay with someone abusive “for the kids”. You LEAVE someone abusive not only for yourself, but FOR YOUR KIDS. I’d have walked the moment he raised a hand to my child the first time. There would be no further opportunities for him to do so again - and the fact that your child keeps bringing it up shows that this has had quite an impact on them and does not feel safe with him- listen to your child! Leave now before any further damage is done
do you want your kids to think this behaviour is normal and acceptable?? Pack and go, and maybe consider that you need to protect your kids, fuck the haters that talk about baby daddies.
do you want your kids to think this behaviour is normal and acceptable?? Pack and go, and maybe consider that you need to protect your kids, fuck the haters that talk about baby daddies.
I’d be straight up out of there if my partner ever dared to lay a hand on my child. No question. Leave