My husband and I have 2 young children ( 5 and 8 )
He also has 2 children from a previous relationship who are grown up and don't live with us anymore. He is slightly older than me. I have wanted a 3rd and last baby for a long time but he says no. He is done and is not prepared to negotiate.
I suggested counselling but he is not interested in that either.
I just don't know how to move past this. It breaks my heart. We have talked about it so many times but obviously there is no compromise. Has anybody ever been able to move on from this point and was still able to have a happy relationship and future together and if so how did you do that?
How to get over husband saying No to 3rd Baby
How to get over husband saying No to 3rd Baby
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Pregnancy
16 Replies
When you guys were planning to have kids, was there a discussion on how many you'd like to have?
No we never talked about it. It never even crossed my mind.
A no always overrides a yes. I think you need to accept his decision and enjoy the 2 beautiful children you have. Maybe some counselling for yourself might help you process his decision.
I think you need to come at this from a place of empathy.
He has been parenting for over 20 years. That’s a long stretch, he’s tired and doesn’t have the energy required to do another round. Your 3rd baby would be his 5th. That’s a stretch for most people. It sounds like 5 and 8 are great ages where he would be starting to feel like life is getting easier again. And no doubt about it, babies make life harder. When you really feel done, you feel really done, counselling doesn’t move you past that.
I think if you have empathy for how he feels you can move past it. I say this as someone who moved past it (not the same situation), no regrets. I was sad for a while but I could really see the other point of view and I decided to move forward.
How were you able to move past it? It just seems so impossible right now. I love my kids more than anything so I don't want to make their world fall apart but I just don't know what to do.
I cried, I was sad, but I also thought about how miserable it would be raising a child that wasn’t wanted by somebody else, and how unfair that would be to the dad, the child and the other kids.
I looked at the negative consequences, and reminded myself of the negative consequences, a be lot.
Then I focused on other things I wanted to do, that would have been put on hold or harder with another child.
After a while I just stopped thinking about it. I’m really happy and have no regrets. I don’t feel like something is missing and I don’t resent anyone.
But that empathy into your husbands point of view is key to moving on. If you keep thinking about what you want versus what the family needs, you won’t get anywhere. You won’t get a baby, but you will also be miserable. Part of being in a family is prioritising the needs and desires of the family. In your case the kids you have deserve a father who isn’t pushed beyond coping, and isn’t burnt out and has energy to love the children that already exist.
If you need help to change that mind set then I suggest you see a counsellor on your own.
Why does he need councilling for saying no? You both have created two kids together already. So many women on here lately who are bitter, upset, or angry at their partners for not knocking them up , this is his decision not to give you his sperm stop making him feel guilty for it. A no always, always outweighs a yes. Stop being selfish.
Yes I have had to get over not having another one. My partner has a child from a previous relationship and we have one together. I wanted another, he didn't. Honestly it has taken a couple of years to accept it. There is greiving for what might have been. Three things that I found important are 1. Acknowledging that he has the right to his perspective 2. A no trumps a yes in these situations and 3. Nobody is guaranteed anything in this world and understanding this can help with acceptance. I do still feel sad about not having another bio child, but now it is what it is.
You'll move on. Think of all of the older people you know, how many of them are still crying about not having more kids? Probably none.
Enjoy the kids you do have and remember this saying:
"It's better to regret a child you didn't have, than one you did have" (more so referring to him who may regret it if you had another)
I'm so done having babies, like so so done. Not a single circumstance or person could make me change my mind.
If my partner kept hounding me for 1 more, tried to 'negotiate' and even suggested counselling - I'd probably tell him to pack his shit and not come back until he respected and accepted my no.
I'm not saying that to be a bitch and I'm not saying you're not allowed to feel your feelings, what I am saying is that you're not allowed to be coercive which is what you have been up until this point.
You need to let yourself grieve! Because with grief comes acceptance, with acceptance comes the ability to move on.
You may need some professional help processing those feelings in a healthy way, so do consider seeking some!
From your husband's perspective, I understand it being a non-negotiable no. There's no compromise, no counselling would EVER make me change my mind. It's nothing to do with loving my partner or children - I'm just done with that phase of my life and can't go back.
Perhaps focus on the future and look for positives and something for you to enjoy. Maybe career, holidays, hobbies, enjoying doing things with your kids that would be restricted with a baby. My kids are also 5 and 8 and we're finding things much easier and we have much more choice about our activities.
I'll add that if you need it, get counselling for yourself. Please don't resent your partner for thinking differently. I've seen the result, twice, of friends/family having babies when one partner isn't 100% on board. Neither is a happy relationship.
I’m 42, I would never want another at this age, never, ever.
Counselling, for what?
He’s pretty clear about his wants.
Please, just appreciate what you have.
Focus on your career, hobbies, the kids you have, there’s plenty to keep life busy.
I think solo counselling for you. He said no you need to respect it think of the roles were reversed. Your feels are ok but you need to work through how to let it go so you can enjoy your husband and family
Say, "I want #3" and explain you don't feel complete or whatever the case may be, and also state, "I'm going to stop birth control" and put the responsibility for preventing a future pregnancy in his court.
If he's truly against it he will take the reigns and either commit to condoms or a vasectomy.
You're not lying or being deceptive by doing this, instead you're living your truth. He needs to step up and take responsibility if that's his only option.
Full disclosure, I did this, and got number three but it destroyed my relationship, but it was still the right decision. Our relationship would have eventually fallen apart anyway...
Well I know a chick in this exact situation, not that I agree with it but she got pregnant on purpose had a third baby and husband loves it just like the others
Honestly I mean you've got two options. Either you accept that he does not want another child and work on your journey of healing. Or you leave him so you can have the child on your own without him. I'm not saying this to be callous either. I feel for you, and I know it must be hard to desire a child and have your partner not. But honestly you have to respect his right to autonomy, just as he should yours. That all aside, I think maybe you need some counselling by yourself to help you work through your feelings and thoughts. Because he's not struggling with the idea, you are. He's made up his mind already.